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What can we do to balance our negative and positive thoughts?
Trick question! Controlling our thoughts doesn’t make for a healthy mental experience—if we try to manipulate our thoughts, we’re only fooling ourselves and, since the mind has a pretty strong will, fighting a losing battle.
Trying to put all of our inner experiences in rose-colored boxes often either doesn’t work or doesn’t last very long. It’s true that our thoughts aren’t always positive—nor should they be. A variety of thoughts, including negative ones, help us navigate the world and make important decisions. Right next to the peppy “I can totally do a triathlon!” we also need the sobering “I won’t be able to unless I start training.”
The mind likes to fret, criticize, complain, doubt, bemoan, downplay, and generally bring us back down to earth. Sometimes, it does go too far and keeps us mired in muddy, unhelpful swamps, and in those moments, we could use a positive lift.
Rather than asking yourself how to eliminate negative thoughts, instead ask: How can I gain a better awareness of the tricks my thoughts play, and how do I get out of aimless thinking traps for better mental health and more successful living?
Let’s take a look at just a few of the most common thinking traps we’re all guilty of falling into.
Thinking trap #1: Black-and-white thinking
- "I bombed this speech because I messed up my talking points."
- "My friends have partners, so they're lovable. I'm single because I'm unlovable."
- "Your parents were perfect because they supported your dreams, but mine ruined my life because they didn’t let me go to fashion school."
Raise your hand if you’ve had thoughts like these. You certainly wouldn’t be alone. As humans, we’re skilled in our abilities to compare and contrast. From a young age, we’re taught about the concept of being tall by comparing it with being short, and the concept of old by comparing it with young. No wonder we often draw all-or-nothing lines that put our situation in the “awful” box while others seem to be in the “awesome” box.
But is there really no middle ground, no room for mistakes, between a perfect speech and a “totally bombed” one? Does the line between married and single perfectly map onto the line between lovable and unlovable? Does such a firm line even exist? And how do these lines make you feel?
How to avoid this thinking trap
The first tip for healthier thinking is to allow natural nuance. Your goal isn’t to convince yourself that you’re okay with a situation when you’re not. Rather, it’s to acknowledge that there are gray areas and caveats, to-be-fairs and I-guess-it-depends.
It’s certainly frustrating that your parents didn’t support your dream of attending fashion school. But there might be other ways in which your parents were supportive—perhaps they taught you how to do things around the house, modeled responsibility, gave you warmth and comfort, paid for your degree, or welcomed your significant other into the family with open arms. They’ve certainly made mistakes, but there's a whole football field of distance between being perfect parents and ruining your life, isn’t there? Would you rather live in perpetual resentment, or allow yourself mixed feelings of appreciation and disappointment?
Next time your mind tells you a story that seems to only present two forks in the road, slow down and ask if you might be missing some options. The more of those you see, the clearer the picture will be.
Thinking trap #2: Jumping to conclusions
- "She didn’t pick up my phone call, so she must be mad at me."
- "If I don’t list all my accomplishments in this interview, they’ll never hire me."
- "The doctor is frowning at my chart, so there must be something terribly wrong with my test results."
For better or worse, our brains are faster than the speed of sound, always racing ahead to see what might lie ahead.
And this brainpower can be useful at times! If we waited while we deliberated each thought carefully and rationally, we wouldn’t be fast enough to move out of the way of a football headed straight for our head. But sometimes, this eagerness to think ahead lands us in trouble. Sometimes, even before a situation fully unfolds, we’ve already convinced ourselves that we know what’s going to happen. Not only can this cause anxiety, but sometimes it even becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, if I’ve convinced myself that nobody at this party is going to like me, I’ll hide in the corner and be nervous, sullen, or even defensive all evening. If the new people I meet end up not being fans of this crabby version of me, could you blame them? What if I had gone in with an open mind and a more relaxed attitude?
How to avoid this thinking trap
If you can sense you’re getting discouraged or feeling pessimistic about an upcoming situation, ask yourself if you’re time-traveling or mind-reading. Is your thought based on facts that have already happened? Or is it based on what you fear might happen? No matter how confident you are in your prediction—and to be fair, you might be accurate!—it’s helpful to remember that, at the very least, what you fear is not yet true. There’s no need to spend time focusing on this thought right now.
Thinking trap #3: Mental filter
- "Every time I have an insomnia night, my brain is useless the next day."
- "My partner is always leaving dirty dishes in the sink. She's hopeless!"
- "I suck at art. I've only ever drawn stick figures!"
In addition to being lightning fast, our brains are also naturally good defense lawyers. Without even knowing it, we often stake out a claim and automatically start searching for evidence to back it up. If I only had a dollar for every time a patient with insomnia has said that their daytime mood is 100 percent tied to last night’s sleep!
Sure, last night you slept poorly, and you feel awful today. And last Friday, you slept poorly and felt awful on Saturday. And last Tuesday you slept poorly and felt awful on Wednesday…there certainly seems to be a pattern. But have there been any days when you’ve felt fine after a bad night of sleep? Or any bad days even after you slept well?
When we blame our moods on sleep, we’ll of course remember the instances that prove our point—we were on the look-out for that evidence in the first place! But we have a harder time noticing or remembering evidence to the contrary. Sometimes we go even further by not even allowing ourselves to find contrary evidence.
How to avoid this thinking trap
Perhaps it’s true that you’ve only ever drawn stick figures, but have you tried to draw more seriously with an open mind? Picasso himself would never have become a great artist if he had constantly told himself he couldn't be one.
Next time you feel stuck or despairing about something, see if you’re looking at the situation with blinders on. Suspend your belief and ask if there’s anything you’re missing.
Notice how the key to avoiding these thinking traps doesn’t lie in changing your thoughts from negative to positive. That’s one wrestling match you won’t win anyway, so why spend the effort? Rather, it’s about slowing your mind, adding nuance, and painting a full picture of the scenario. Remind your brain to be fair and open, curious rather than judgmental.
With practice, you might find yourself working with your thoughts instead of against them. And isn’t that more fun?
