"You Feel That Way and That's OK"

Source: Tzivy Reiter

Mattering—for a child to feel that their feelings matter, that they are seen and heard, literally and figuratively—is one of the most important predictors of resilience. How do parents instill this sense of mattering in their children?

In my new book, I Feel That Way and That's OK!, we presented a model for early childhood parent-child interaction that lays the foundation for teaching children to identify their feelings and, secondly, that they, and their feelings, matter. We start by discussing the four cornerstones of healthy development: attachment, communication, interoception, and co-regulation.

• Attachment: The mother of the main character, Teddy, demonstrates the principles of behavior that lead to secure attachment. She doesn't rescue Teddy and his friends from their feelings. Instead, she bears witness; she listens and accepts and validates their feelings—both the so-called "good" and seemingly "bad" ones. She accompanies Teddy and his friends through their different emotions without denying them or trying to solve them away. Preschool children learn to recognize and identify their feelings and also learn that their feelings matter. They can feel sadness, worry, and anger but still, be OK. They can experience a wide range of emotions and learn to cope with them.
• Communication: One of the critical roles of parenting young children is creating an environment where emotions are honored and respected rather than ignored and dismissed. It's important to make space for young children to experience all emotions. A parent's role is to witness these emotions—to see, hear and name these emotions, create similar language in the child, and finally, to accept these emotions. It sounds simple, but in fact, it is pretty tricky. For example, our natural tendencies may lead us to say things like, "Don't be angry!" when it may be more beneficial to say, "I see you are feeling angry." Allowing for a wide range of feelings and communicating that "you feel that way and that's OK!" is critical to healthy social-emotional development in your children.
• Interoception: Sometimes called the "eighth sense," it refers to the awareness of the internal state of our bodies. How do I know how I am feeling the emotions I am experiencing? It's important to know how the different emotions are very specifically experienced, in not just people's faces but their entire bodies. Learning to pay attention to what the various parts of the body are telling us is an integral part of learning about emotions.
• Co-regulation: The warm and responsive interactions of the adult provide support and modeling to the young child and is critical in developing self-regulation. Co-regulation regulates the child rather than expecting them to handle it all by themselves at this stage in their young lives. One fundamental way to teach self-regulation is by modeling. The parent models regulated behavior, and the child learns from wordless observation. Managing your heart rate, slowing your voice, getting down to the child's level to soothe, and breathing deeply together are all effective ways to co-regulate. Teddy's mother calmly navigates all manner of challenges and feelings, both for herself and for her charges. She demonstrates how adults can model self-regulation, which the observing child can then incorporate into their repertoire of behaviors.

When our children experience distress, we don't need to approach their feelings as if it was a problem meant to be solved. We need to bear witness as they experience their feelings. To see, hear and listen to those feelings. By doing so, we are teaching them that they matter—empowering them to cope with those feelings and develop the resilience which will benefit them throughout their lives.