How Destructive Entitlement Can Destroy Relationships

"When I was your age, I walked ten miles in the snow to get to school." We've all heard this one, or something like it—a phrase that's meant to portray the no-nonsense type of response your grandfather might give you if you ever complained to him about how early you had to wake up to catch the bus to get to school.

It's also an example of the concept known as destructive entitlement. The term was introduced by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy through his work in Contextual Therapy. Nagy used the term to describe how individuals who have been treated unfairly, had difficult experiences, or been harmed in relationships may feel entitled to act in ways that are harmful to others, often without realizing they are perpetuating cycles of harm.

Real-World Examples of Destructive Entitlement

Destructive entitlement can appear in romantic relationships, familial relationships, or friendships—or in the workplace. Here are some examples:

In Romantic Relationships

• Affairs: When you hear a person who has an affair saying something along the lines of "You ignored me for so long, so this is what you get," that is a form of destructive entitlement. The message is: "I was hurt so you should be too."
• Emotional Neglect: If someone is emotionally neglectful and their partner points out that this is hurtful for them, a destructively entitled response would be, "Well, no one ever worried about me growing up and I am just fine. You will be too."

In Familial Relationships

• Guilt Tripping: A parent who has felt overburdened in their role might say something to their children like, "All I do is take care of you all day. No one ever takes care of me. Maybe you should know how it feels to be ignored!"

In Workplace Relationships

• Advantage Taking: If someone has had bad experiences at previous workplaces, they might have a destructively entitled stance in their new workplace, thinking, "Other workplaces have treated me badly, so what do I care if I do what is needed here?"

The Destructive Outcomes of Destructive Entitlement

I am not a relationship skills purist. I don't think there is anything wrong with people communicating with each other naturally and organically. And I do not believe it equates to substantial harm when someone says something that verges on destructive entitlement now and then; for example, when your grandfather rolls his eyes at the relative ease with which you get to take a bus to school.

I also think it makes sense to have these types of thoughts from time to time.

However, I have worked with hundreds of families and couples, and I know from this experience that when destructive entitlement is severe, chronic, or both it can create highly negative outcomes in a relationship. In relationships where destructive entitlement exists, there is a breakdown of trust, emotional disconnection over time, increased resentment and loneliness, and the use of justification for harmful behavior.

To prevent this type of relational breakdown, it's important for individuals to be self-aware of their resentments (whether in the current relationship or in the past) and how that might feed into a sense of aggression toward those in a present relationship. The aggression comes from a place of "I am (or was) uncomfortable, so you should be too." But we should want to move toward radical responsibility for ourselves and an ability to think, "I was uncomfortable and it's my job to become comfortable within myself, not make others uncomfortable too." This often requires a better understanding of self and a development of assertiveness skills.

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