Why Other People, Even Your Kids, Can’t Be Your Sole Purpose

There’s a powerful narrative that many of us carry, especially parents: People are my purpose. I hear it time and again when talking about “little p” purpose—process-oriented purpose, the pursuit of things that light us up. Parents, in particular, often tell me, “I live for my children.”

On the surface, this might seem noble, even selfless. But in reality, making people—especially your children—the center of your purpose can leave you feeling empty and create an unsustainable model for the very people you love.

Let’s unpack why this idea is problematic, starting with the root of the issue: the myth of joyful parenting.

The Myth of Joyful Parenting

The belief that parenting is the ultimate source of fulfillment and joy is deeply ingrained in our culture. It’s an idea that suggests raising children will automatically lead to happiness and a meaningful life.

But here’s the reality: Parenting is hard. It’s fraught with challenges, anxieties, sleepless nights, and sacrifices. Somewhere along the way, we’ve made a cognitive leap: Because parenting is so hard, it must also be the key to joy and fulfillment.

This belief traps parents in a cycle of over-identifying with their role, leaving little room for their own growth, passions, or purpose. And when this happens, it sets the stage for two major problems.

The Two Problems With Making People Your Purpose

1. It’s Not an Enduring Source of Purpose

When you make your children your sole purpose, you tie your sense of fulfillment to their presence in your life. But here’s the truth: Kids grow up. They move away. They build lives of their own, complete with spouses, careers, and possibly children of their own.

When this happens, parents often find themselves feeling lost and purposeless. This “empty nest” syndrome can start in your 40s or 50s, leaving decades of life without a clear sense of direction.

2. It Sets a Poor Example for Generational Growth

Your children learn how to live their lives by watching you. If you model a life where they are your sole purpose, they may grow up believing their primary role is to make someone else their purpose—likely their own children.

But what happens if life doesn’t go as planned? What if they can’t have children, don’t want children, or face circumstances that prevent them from building a traditional family? By making people the center of purpose, you risk passing down a model that doesn’t equip them to find fulfillment on their own terms.

Instead of generational trauma, we should aim for generational growth. This is the idea of modeling a life of purpose, where we actively pursue things that light us up. By doing so, we give our children permission to do the same, empowering them to build lives rooted in their passions and joys—not just their responsibilities.

Modeling Little-p Purpose

It’s wonderful to feel a sense of purpose connected to the people in your life—your children, your spouse, your friends. These relationships are meaningful, and they matter deeply. But they shouldn’t be the entirety of your purpose.

Instead, build a life centered around little-p purpose—process-oriented purpose that excites and fulfills you. Here’s why this matters:

• It lights you up: When you pursue what brings you joy, you show up as your best self—for your children, your spouse, and your community.
• It gives permission: By modeling a life of purpose outside of people, you teach your children that they, too, can build fulfilling lives rooted in their passions.
• It’s enduring: Unlike roles tied to relationships, little p purpose grows with you. It evolves as you do, providing a constant source of fulfillment.

The Takeaway

If you’ve made people your sole purpose, it’s time to shift your mindset—not to diminish the importance of your loved ones, but to enhance it. When you live a life of purpose for yourself, you create a ripple effect that benefits everyone around you.

Pursue your passions. Invest in activities that excite you. Model a life of generational growth. In doing so, you’ll give your children the greatest gift: permission to pursue their own purpose, to light up their own lives, and to pass that joy down to the next generation.

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