What We Can Learn About Purpose from the Dying

Source: By Pixabay on Pixabay

As a hospice doctor, I have spent years sitting on the bedsides of the dying. In those final moments, I have heard people utter the same heart-wrenching words over and over: I really regret that I never had the energy, courage, or time to__. It is always something deeply personal—something central to their identity, a dream left unfulfilled, a relationship left unrepaired. But by the time these regrets surface, it is often too late to change them.

This is the tragedy of regret: It becomes most clear when we have the least ability to do anything about it. But what if we didn’t wait until we were dying to confront these regrets? What if we engaged in a life review much earlier, while we still had the agency to act?

The Power of a Life Review

The concept of a life review was first introduced by the gerontologist Robert Butler in 1963. Butler, the first director of the National Institute on Aging, developed a structured review technique that allowed elderly individuals—both those who were healthy and those with dementia—to reflect on their lives. Nurses, chaplains, social workers, and doctors began using this approach to help patients assess their most meaningful moments and, inevitably, their regrets.

A life review typically includes questions such as:

• What has been your greatest success in life?
• What has been your greatest failure?
• Name a period in your life when you were happiest. What made this so?
• When did you feel the least in control of your life, and why?
• Who are the people who have had the greatest influence on you?

At its core, a life review forces us to look at our existence deeply. It helps us recognize patterns, celebrate victories, and, perhaps most importantly, examine our regrets.

Regret as a Compass for Purpose

Regrets are not just painful, they are instructive. They tell us what matters most to us, what we wish we had prioritized, and what we truly value. And if we listen closely, they can become what I call purpose anchors—signposts guiding us toward a more meaningful life.

A purpose anchor is an inkling, a beckoning—something that lights you up and calls to be pursued. I always say that you don’t find purpose; you build or create it. And some of the best raw material for building purpose comes from flipping our regrets on their head. Instead of letting them fester, we can use them as fuel to create a life we won’t regret.

For example, 10 years ago, I conducted my own life review. I realized that if I reached my deathbed without having traditionally published a book, I would feel deep regret. At the time, I had no book to my name—neither Taking Stock nor The Purpose Code existed yet. But I recognized that regret as a purpose anchor and made it my mission to bring my writing into the world. That decision changed the trajectory of my life.

Live Now the Way You Want to Die

People often ask me, How do I die a good death? My answer is simple: We tend to die the way we lived. If we live with unresolved regrets, we die with them. If we live with intention and purpose, we die with peace.

The dying have much to teach us—not just in how they let go of life, but in how they wished they had lived it. Their regrets are our roadmaps. Their unfulfilled dreams are our lessons. And if we listen, we can use their wisdom to craft a life of meaning, before it’s too late.

Ask yourself today: If I were on my deathbed tomorrow, what would I regret? And then, instead of waiting, start living in a way that ensures you never have to say those words.

Because a good death begins with a good life.