Aging
How to Have a Living Wake or FUN-eral
A celebration of life before death allows the dying person to participate.
Posted May 9, 2025 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- At a FUN-eral, a dying person can be present and hear firsthand how they are loved, appreciated, and admired.
- A ceremony prior to death can help the dying person feel more in control and can soothe everyone present.
- A living wake or FUN-eral can be done very economically and can reflect the personality of the guest of honor.
My dear friend, Shatzi Weisberger, was a five-foot-tall powerhouse who had always been an inspiration to me. At age 90, she meticulously planned her death down to the last detail. She paid for her burial plot in a natural, eco-friendly cemetery in upstate New York, and she decided what she wanted to wear.
She placed sticky notes on items in her home to point out what she wanted certain people to take when she was gone. She also chose the rituals, music, and food for her memorial service. The only thing she didn’t know was when her death would happen. Despite her advanced age, she was still in excellent health.
Two years went by, and Shatzi decided to take her plans further by having a celebration before her death. That way, she could be present for it. She coined it her “FUN-eral.” It was her way of embracing her death with joy and curiosity rather than fear or pain. In fact, she looked upon her death as more of a second birthday—birthing into a different kind of existence. So planning her FUN-eral was an empowering experience for her.
What Is a Living Wake or FUN-eral?
These ceremonies can be anything we want them to be. They’re usually similar to a ceremony held after death, except in this case, the person who is dying is present. Think about it: How many times do we say beautiful things about someone who has died, yet we might never have said those things to them directly? A living wake is a chance for family and friends to fully express their love before the person is gone.
For the individual who is dying, whether they can fully participate or must attend in a bedridden state, an event like this can give them a sense of control during a time they feel utterly out of control. For everyone in attendance, it offers a kind of closure that’s more difficult to achieve once the person is gone.
At Shatzi’s celebration, 100 people showed up for the party in the community room of her apartment building. There was music, dancing, and wonderful food and drink. People laughed, but they also talked deeply about the passage from life into death. It was a profound evening.
Even the cardboard coffin in the room couldn’t destroy the uplifting mood. It was cardboard for the green burial that Shatzi had chosen, which would allow her to decompose and give back to the soil faster. There were art supplies and markers available for people to decorate the coffin with remembrances and messages to their dear friend.
Shatzi floated around the room in an all-white outfit, looking radiant and at peace. Her presence was a lesson in accepting death as a natural progression in our lives.
Another friend of mine had a living wake after she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She was just in her 30s, so it was certainly a different atmosphere from Shatzi’s event. But it was still a celebration of my friend’s life, during which her loved ones told her how much they appreciated and admired her.
Tips for Planning a Living Wake or FUN-eral
If you or a loved one decides to have a living wake, I recommend creating it to reflect the personality of the person who’s being honored. Here are some ideas to make it fun and keep the cost down:
1. If the weather isn’t a problem, an outdoor gathering can cut down on the need to rent a space, as well as the amount of cleaning required afterward.
2. If money is an issue, the food can be potluck, with each guest bringing their signature dish.
3. Consider choosing a theme. Maybe the person who will be celebrated loves Shakespeare or the world of The Great Gatsby. If guests have the ability to pull it off, the FUN-eral can become a costume party.
4. If there are musicians among the family and friends, live music can make for a particularly meaningful celebration.
5. When live music isn’t feasible, a DJ can spin the tunes most beloved by the guest of honor. (If it’s me, it’s going to be hits from the 80s!)
6. If the dying person has created artwork of any kind, this is the time to display or share it. A slideshow of photographs taken throughout their life is also a nice way to commemorate them.
7. Give everyone who wants to speak, including the guest of honor, a chance to say what they wish. Just ask them to keep it positive and loving. It isn’t a time to deal with grievances.
8. The gathering can be as informal or formal as desired—small or large, quiet or raucous, funky or elegant. Just ensure it’s what the dying person wants it to be. This is a time to bump anyone else’s preferences.
9. Take plenty of videos and photographs, which will provide wonderful memories for those left behind.
A living wake or FUN-eral can ease the pain of dying and help everyone present feel more positive about the impending loss, knowing that the dying person feels exactly how deeply they are loved.
