Parenting
Why Do Controlling Parents Praise More?
By every external measure, my life looked like a success story.
Updated July 27, 2026 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
I ranked 56th out of one million students on Türkiye's university entrance exam, earned a master's degree from Harvard as a Fulbright and TEV scholar, and completed my Ph.D. at Cambridge, with a year as a visiting PhD student at MIT. Then, with my final degree in hand, I was blindsided by an anxiety I could not explain.
It took me years to understand why. My happiness rested entirely on academic achievement because somewhere along the way, I had come to believe my family would love me only if I were successful at school. In school, the rules were clear: study hard, get the grade, earn approval. Professional life offered no such clarity. Even when I met my own standards, I couldn't be sure others agreed. What if I couldn't maintain my success? Would my family still love me? Would anyone?
I was in a trap.
I can trace how that belief formed. My family motivated me the way many loving parents do: with rewards and praise and, when those fell short, with subtle criticism. Each carried the same underlying message: "You are loved when you meet my expectations."
Years later, as a researcher, I kept returning to a question that was both scientific and personal: What if praise and rewards sometimes reveal something deeper than encouragement?
When Praise Becomes Controlling
A classic study by Richard Ryan and his colleagues (Ryan, Mims, and Koestner, 1983), co-founders of self-determination theory with the late Edward Deci (Ryan and Deci, 2000), asked university students to solve puzzles with hidden figures while receiving different kinds of praise.
One group received informational praise: "You did very well on that one." Another group received controlling praise: "You did very well on that one, just as you should."
That small phrase, "just as you should," added pressure and expectation.
Later, when students were left alone with the puzzles, those who had received controlling praise spent less time working on them voluntarily. The lesson is powerful: Praise can become controlling when it quietly communicates, "You are meeting my standard."
This is where our research began. Rather than asking whether praise is good or bad, we asked a different question:
What kind of parents most often rely on praise and rewards?
Praise and Criticism Travel Together
To answer this, I first developed and validated a new scale measuring how parents use rewards (Bolat, 2023). More than 700 parents participated. Two distinct patterns emerged.
Some parents used rewards mainly as encouragement. They agreed with statements such as “I motivate my child with rewards.” Or, “I use rewards to encourage good behavior.” Others used rewards to gain compliance. They agreed with statements such as “I use rewards to make my child do what I want.” Or, “I promise rewards to get my child to do things they don’t want to do.”
We also measured how often parents praised and criticized their children. We also assessed parental disrespect using Brian Barber's well-established psychological control disrespect scale, which includes harsh criticism, public embarrassment, ridicule, and comparisons with other children (Barber and colleagues, 2012).
One might expect parents who frequently praise and reward their children to criticize and disrespect them less.
We found the opposite.
Parents who used rewards more often also reported more criticism and psychological disrespect. The same pattern appeared for praise. Strikingly, this was true even when parents said they used rewards to encourage rather than control.
That raised a deeper question:
Why would praise go hand in hand with criticism and disrespect?
To answer this question, we conducted another study (Bolat and Kara, 2023).
Two Sides of the Same Coin
We examined parents' use of rewards, praise, punishment threats, and autonomy support (acknowledging children's feelings and perspectives).
Three distinct parenting profiles emerged.
The first group (high controllers) relied heavily on rewards and praise. They were also more likely to threaten punishment, criticize, and pressure their children. They were less likely to acknowledge their children's feelings.
The second group (low controllers) used fewer rewards and less punishment but still showed moderate levels of control.
The third group (autonomy supporters) looked very different.
These parents used rewards and praise the least. They rarely threatened punishment. They showed the highest respect for their children's autonomy and were most likely to empathize with their children.
The Connection between Praise and Criticism
Our findings may help explain the connection between praise and criticism. Rewards and punishments, like praise and criticism, often appear to be opposites. But psychologically, they may come from the same source: the desire to control another person's behavior. Both rely on consequences rather than understanding.
Of course, this does not mean every parent who praises or rewards their child is controlling.
How These Parenting Styles Look in Everyday Life
Imagine a child who refuses to practice the piano.
One parent says, "If you practice for twenty minutes, we'll go out for ice cream." Another says, "If you don't practice, there won't be any screen time tonight."
The emotional tone is different, but both parents are asking the same question:
"How can I get my child to do what I want?"
Now imagine a third parent who asks:
"You usually enjoy playing. What might be getting in the way, and how can I help?"
When children feel understood instead of managed, respected instead of controlled, approval seeking declines, and motivation is more likely to come from within.
When Praise Becomes a Disguise for Control
Looking back, I do not think praise was the problem. Control was. Praise became one of its most socially acceptable disguises. My parents loved me deeply, but too often the message I heard was, “You are loved when you meet my expectations.”
Children who feel loved for who they are can enjoy success without depending on it.
I know because I spent decades chasing approval before I realized what I had been searching for was not achievement. It was unconditional acceptance, and praise may not provide it.
