Boundaries, Not Battles: 5 Ways to Handle Holiday Drama

Source: cottonbro studio / Pexels

Are you excited about the holiday season? Or maybe you feel mixed emotions? As we anticipate gatherings with loved ones and family, it often evokes some anxiety and even dread because your family does not behave like the ones in Hallmark movies.

The truth is that many people find the holidays challenging. The anticipation of gatherings can be taxing if there has been a history of conflicts, arguments, and tension in the past, particularly with high-conflict family members (HCPs) who cause a lot of drama. Perhaps you have one that you can sidestep, but many people may have several HCPs to manage during holiday gatherings. You can protect your peace and sanity by having a plan filled with strategies ahead of time as you head into this season.

As discussed in my book Adult Children of High-Conflict Parents, there are specific strategies you can use to deal with HCPs, and the holidays are no exception. Maybe you are worried that too much egg-nog, too much togetherness, and old family wounds can all erupt during this time. Because HCPs have issues with boundaries and regulating their emotions, tensions and emotions can escalate quickly.

Here are five strategies that can help you side-step family drama and enjoy your holidays.

1. Set your “rules of engagement” ahead of time

Boundaries can be small rules you have for yourself to avoid conflicts with HCPs. They can be small, calm limits you decide in advance. How long will you stay? What is the action step you will take if things get too heated? How will I react to my aunt’s passive-aggressive (mean) comment?

• “I’ll stay for three hours, then head out.”
• “If the conversation turns hostile, I’ll take a break, help in the kitchen, play with the kids, or just leave.”
• “I won’t engage in topics that usually lead to arguments.”

Planning specific limits before you walk in prevents getting pulled into chaos—you strategically plan ahead before things get tense.

2. Use planned go-to responses to protect your energy

High-conflict people thrive on hooking emotions. Having pre-planned phrases keeps you steady, and you can use them like mantras, practicing them in advance, so you have them accessible in your tool kit.

• “Thank you, but I am keeping the holidays light for now. Such a wonderful season!”
• "Unfortunately, I am not talking about that today, maybe another time.”
• I am focusing on the positive today, like grandma’s delicious cookies.”
• “Let’s change the topic; I want to enjoy the day.”

Keep your responses short and in a neutral tone, like you are talking to a colleague at work.

3. Visualize a pleasant visit

Visualizing works (Swart, 2019), like with athletes using visual motor rehearsal to win their race. Visualizing a happy, pleasant visit can also work by prioritizing connection and understanding that this is not the time to rehash old wounds. So, plan ahead and visualize yourself being in harmony with your family or loved ones. You can imagine laughing, talking about bonds that hold you together, like fun memories, funny childhood stories, or vacations. Aim for light conversations, shared activities like looking at old photo albums, and gravitating toward more peaceful people at your gathering.

4. Use the “last day on Earth” technique

Often, our relationships with HCPs are complicated, both filled with negative emotions and some positive ones. Whether an in-law, cousin, aunt, or child, we often have long histories with them, both good and bad. One technique to soften your approach and emotions is this technique. Ask yourself, what if you knew ahead of time this was their last day on Earth, meaning you would never see them again, and this is the last interaction you will have with them? Do your emotions soften? Do you remember some good things about them, even if they are small? Maybe the way they interact lovingly with your kids, maybe the way they care for everyone through tasty food, or maybe even laughing or having fun times with them? Sometimes, this technique can help calm emotions and mitigate emotional reactivity toward their negative comments.

5. There is no rule that you must go

I think a helpful tip is knowing you are not alone. There are many people who find the holidays particularly challenging. Knowing that many people struggle with this during this “happy” time helps normalize this experience for you so you don’t feel so isolated or think “This is just my screwed-up family." These erroneous beliefs can keep you stuck in going to events you simply do not want to attend. In all honesty, you can give yourself permission to choose what is right for you. There is no rule that you must attend any gathering, and you curate a holiday season that is right for you and your emotional readiness. Remember, the ultimate testament to self-love and self-respect is protecting your peace, which may be the best holiday present you can give yourself and your family.