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Domestic Violence
3 Responses to Domestic Violence at Work
What to do when spillover domestic violence shows up at the workplace.
Posted March 16, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Refuse to facilitate contact between the abuser and employee.
- Create plausible deniability to increase employee safety.
- Remove employee burden by making interventions automatic, not optional.
- Provide discreet support to reduce employee isolation.
Sarah's husband appeared at her workplace for the third time that week. As he entered, her coworkers froze. Sarah rushed toward him, anxiously pleading with him to leave. "Not here," she insisted.
Her husband silenced her with a sharp "shh" and pointed his finger inches from her face. Removing his sunglasses, his eyes fixed on her with an unmistakable threat—a message everyone present could read.
No one moved. No one intervened.
Sarah's manager felt powerless and afraid. For a moment, she felt like Sarah.
When Domestic Violence Enters the Workplace
Scenes like this unfold in workplaces nationwide, leaving managers feeling helpless when domestic violence refuses to stay at home. Unlike victims constrained by complicated relationship dynamics, workplace leaders have both the responsibility and opportunity to respond effectively.
When an abusive spouse appears at work, the circumstances vary widely, often leaving managers unprepared. While it's impossible to anticipate every scenario, three guiding principles can provide a framework for response, protecting both the targeted employee and the broader workplace.
1. Disrupt Control Patterns While Preserving Safety
When Sarah's husband entered her workplace, he was extending his control into her professional environment. In situations where abusers encounter restricted access, they may request favors like having someone notify the employee or pass along messages.
Though agreeing seems like the path of least resistance, conceding reinforces their control. Every accommodation rewards the abusive partner and encourages future attempts, transforming the workplace into another controlled environment.
It's also crucial to protect the employee's position at home. When an abusive partner appears, inform the employee but clearly communicate that their partner doesn't know they've been told. This creates plausible deniability, allowing the employee to strategically decide how to respond at home, potentially reducing retaliation risk by giving them the option to feign surprise when their partner mentions the workplace visit.
The dual approach—refusing to facilitate contact while creating deniability—disrupts the control cycle without increasing risk to the employee.
2. Establish and Enforce Unwavering Boundaries
When Sarah's husband confronted her, coworkers hesitated, unsure how to address the situation. Such uncertainty is precisely what abusers exploit. Clear, consistent boundaries are essential for workplace safety.
If an abusive partner appears outside and refuses to leave, third-party intervention, through police or security, must be automatic, not optional. The abuser should be clearly informed that future attempts will trigger immediate third-party involvement without negotiation.
Many workplaces lack robust security, making it easier for abusers to gain direct access, as in Sarah's situation. When it occurs, the response should be equally firm. Critically, employees should never be consulted about involving security while their abuser is present. Though this might appear to respect the employee's agency, it forces them to choose between immediate workplace peace and potential retaliation at home.
By making third-party involvement policy-driven and automatic, organizations remove the burden from employees. This isn't about diminishing autonomy; it's about recognizing power dynamics and refusing to let the workplace become a venue where those dynamics succeed.
For boundaries to be effective, they must communicate a single message: The workplace will not accommodate abusive control tactics. An organization's limits must be more forceful than an abuser's persistence.
3. Facilitate Essential New Connections
After Sarah's husband left, she retreated to the break room, visibly shaken. Like many experiencing abuse, her workplace was the only environment where she could access support without constant monitoring.
Organizations play a crucial role in providing resources that help employees build life-saving connections. Virtual therapy through employee assistance programs has become particularly valuable, as it doesn't require obvious schedule changes that might trigger suspicion. Such digital connections provide a crucial lifeline while maintaining privacy.
In workplaces without such resources, organizations can create subtle but accessible pathways to support. Discreetly placed information about local domestic violence resources, in restrooms or break rooms, can make critical connections possible.
While such connections rarely solve the complex problem of abuse immediately, they can create crucial first steps toward safety. Each new supportive relationship weakens the isolation the abuser requires.
Maintaining Workplace Safety
When domestic violence enters the workplace, it transforms what should be a safe environment into an extension of a home nightmare. Abuse situations threaten not just individual employees but overall workplace safety and morale.
By understanding the underlying dynamics of abuse—control, isolation, and fear—leaders can respond more effectively to spillover violence. The three principles provide a framework that disrupts control patterns, establishes firm boundaries that protect employee, and facilitates connections that combat isolation.
The approach helps ensure the workplace remains what it should be: a place of safety, dignity, and connection, even when personal relationships outside work are anything but safe.
