Relationship Lessons People Wish They'd Known Sooner

“I wish I knew all of this sooner.”

I hear this from clients all the time. They also ask, “Where were you in my 20s?”

The right information about relationships can save you a lot of heartache. Breakups hurt, and not just metaphorically. When people look at a photo of an ex who broke up with them, the brain regions that process physical pain light up (Kross et al., 2011).

Yet, we often leave our relationship outcomes completely to chance (or fate, if you’re feeling romantic). That lets us fall into patterns that run our love life for years.

What Everyone Wishes They Knew Sooner

Drawing on 25+ years as a relationship scientist, college professor, and author, here are my top 10 strategies for forming healthy connections. Consider these a head start or a way to quickly catch up.

1. Be the Right Person

Don’t look to relationships to fix problems or fill in what’s missing from your life (that’s your job). When you feel lost or broken, you attract partners who like incomplete or adrift partners.

Instead, focus on your relationship with yourself first. When you are the right person, it’s easier to find the right person. You want to desire a relationship without feeling like you need it to be complete.

2. Embrace Your “Quirkiness Advantage”

Be yourself authentically and unapologetically. The best relationships are with people you feel comfortable enough around to be your true self. You’re not going to be compatible with everyone. That’s OK. It only takes one.

3. No Trait Checklists

It’s tempting to shop for a partner with a desired list of traits. But when researchers pooled data from over 11,000 couples, the strongest predictors of relationship quality weren’t individual traits. They were about the relationship itself (perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction) (Joel et al., 2020).

Who someone is today is less important than who they’re going to become over the next five or 50 years. Look for someone flexible, intellectually curious, growth-oriented, and good at communicating.

4. No “Starter Partners”

Avoid the “just for now” starter partner who you know isn’t great for you long-term. You don’t want to just “keep things casual,” so stop pretending you do. You want something real. Own it.

People catch feelings, and over time, it only gets harder to leave even the worst relationships. People who fear being single are more likely to stay in unsatisfying relationships and less selective when choosing partners (Spielmann et al., 2013).

Those “meh” partners also cost you the opportunity to meet the truly great partner you deserve.

5. No Tagalong Partners

Don’t drag a relationship you’ve outgrown into a new chapter. An emotional support fallback partner becomes a security blanket. You take fewer social chances and connect less with new people.

And really, if that relationship were going to work out, it would have by now. Holding onto a relationship out of comfort stifles your growth.

6. Plenty of Fish…

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But it doesn’t always feel like it.

Most people don’t fish the whole sea. We fish the pool in front of us: the same people we see at work, the gym, or the store. Switch up your routines, and your dating pool fills up again. Take a class, say “yes” to a social event, or give online dating a try.

Your dating pool isn’t just who is attracted to you. It’s whoever thinks they’re allowed to approach you. Be approachable. Put your phone away, smile, say “hi,” and make conversation.

7. Shoot Your Shot

When you’re interested in someone, show it. If you’re too timid, you limit yourself to partners who are bold and (overly) confident enough to approach you. That can mean over-indexing for potential narcissists and missing out on great partners.

Avoid the “downward spiral of disinterest,” where both people like each other but don’t want to be the first to show interest. Researchers call this pluralistic ignorance. People chalk up their own hesitation to fear of rejection but read the other person’s hesitation as a lack of interest (Vorauer & Ratner, 1996). If the other person isn’t interested, it’s their loss.

8. Dealing With the Trust Dilemma

Should you start off trusting people and let them prove you wrong, or make them earn it?

I think the best compromise is to start off trusting people about 70 percent of the way. Most people deserve the benefit of the doubt, but no one has earned 100 percent of your trust from the start.

From there, their actions can push you toward greater trust. But 70 percent is a C-, so if their actions erode your trust, you quickly get into D and F territory.

9. Friends First

Build emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. Your partner should feel like a good friend who can become a best friend.

There’s no magical “right amount of time” to wait, but don’t rush it. It’s easier to ruin a relationship by being physical too fast than by waiting too long. If you lose a partner by not being physical, they weren’t there for the right reasons.

10. Own Your Stuff

Love isn’t something we fall into; it’s something two people grow together.

When relationships experience friction, identify your role. What did you choose? What did you tolerate or overlook? What was left unsaid?

Every failure is a learning experience. To unlock the lesson, avoid blaming others and accept responsibility for moving forward.

Takeaway: Everyone Deserves a Great Relationship

I say this all the time: Everyone deserves a great relationship. If your relationship isn’t great, you deserve better.

Rather than looking back, look forward. Ask yourself, “Where will I be in five years if nothing changes?”

The patterns that have been running your love life will keep doing their thing unless you interrupt them. That starts with your very next choice about who gets your time and what you’re willing to tolerate.