Dating Made Easy: The Power of Knowing What You Want

Are you clear about what you want in a relationship?

Source: Achraf Alan/Pexels

Lots of people think they know what they want in a relationship partner. Yet, one of the most common complaints I hear from daters is, “Why does dating feel so much harder than being single?”

It’s hard enough to find a decent relationship partner. That becomes impossible when you don’t know what you’re actually looking for.

A recently published study with over 500 participants suggests the answer may be relationship clarity (Kredl et al., 2025). Put simply, having relationship clarity means you clearly and confidently know what you want from a romantic relationship. For example, participants high in relationship clarity agreed with items such as “In general, I have a clear sense of what I want in a romantic relationship,” but disagreed with items such as “My beliefs about what I want in a relationship seem to change very frequently,” and “I spend a lot of time wondering about what kind of relationship I am looking for.”

Two studies followed single young adults who were actively dating and found that those with lower relationship clarity (i.e., those who were unsure what they were looking for) reported feeling lonelier over time and had lower life satisfaction.

The Problem With Not Knowing What You Want

When you don’t know what you want from a relationship, dating is more likely to leave you feeling drained and disconnected rather than fulfilled.

Why would that be? Imagine going on a scavenger hunt and needing to find “the most important thing in people’s everyday life.” What would you look for? If you came across this amazing “thing,” would you even realize? Nope. Instead, you’d be left feeling lost, confused, and unsure. Even when you thought you found the “important thing,” you’d continue second-guessing yourself (“Is this it?” “Is there something better?”). It’s the same with dating and looking for a relationship partner (who, coincidentally, is also often “the most important thing in people’s everyday life”).

Fuzzy dating goals create fuzzy relationships.

Without clear goals, people may swing between being overly pessimistic (“No one will ever meet my standards”) and being overly optimistic (“This person could be the one!”). Lack of clarity can make it harder to spot red flags, may encourage you to fall in love too fast, or cause you to miss an opportunity with someone truly great for you. Add on top of that a modern dating world that seems full of endless options, and you have a recipe for confusion, misinterpretations, and disappointment.

All of this sounds terrible (and it is). But there is good news.

The Benefits of Knowing What You Want

When participants reported higher relationship clarity (i.e., they were clear about what they wanted), they did really well. Being clearer helps filter out mismatched partners, which allows daters to operate from a place of empowered choice instead of (what feels like) random guesses and blind faith.

Clarity reveals compatibility. When you know what you want, you see who fits.

When you know what you want in your love life, you can find your best match, that person who truly aligns with your own sense of self. BONUS: You’ll likely also be willing to stay happily single instead of partnering up with any old person that’s interested. Avoiding bad relationships is weirdly underrated.

Building Your Own Relationship Clarity

Moving away from the study, based on my coaching experience, there are a few good ways to get clearer about your dating goals:

1. Start by reflecting on past relationships. Ask yourself what worked, what did not, and what you learned about your needs. Be honest and realistic. Don’t just blame all of the problems on your partner.
2. Think about the type of person who meshes best with who you are and who you hope to be. What qualities do they need to possess? Differentiate between your non-negotiables, or the qualities a partner absolutely must have (a relatively short list), versus the ones that are just nice to have (which can be longer).
3. Be honest about your timeline. Are you looking for casual fun, a long-term partnership, or something in between? Finally, check in with yourself often. Your goals today may not match your goals in 5 or 10 years (that’s normal). Make revisions as needed.

The Take-Home Message

Being single isn’t the problem, and dating itself isn’t the problem. When you know what you want, you reduce uncertainty, protect yourself from loneliness, and boost your overall well-being.