5 Questions to Answer Before Reuniting With an Ex

No matter how much they beg, should you take back an ex-partner?

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Old flames have a funny way of finding their way back into your life. Before you consider rekindling that relationship by giving them another chance, you’ll want to consider a few key aspects to avoid additional heartbreak.

Why Do Former Partners Come Back?

Often, it’s as simple as they’re lonely and looking for companionship. Sure, they could find an entirely new partner.

However, reconnecting with a previous partner can feel safer, simpler, or more like a “sure thing.” If successful, rekindling also puts the relationship on a faster track toward intimacy since you can skip through some of the formalities of early-stage dating.

Feeling lonely is miserable, so it can be deceptively simple to think, “Getting them back will solve all my problems.” (This is true for them and you.)

If you were the one to end the relationship, partners often come back hoping that you have changed your mind—or perhaps lowered your standards. For example, maybe you ended a situationship because you were looking for something more committed and fulfilling. Your ex may return to check in to see if you had second thoughts and are now willing to settle for your previous arrangement.

Finally, partners will find their way back to you when they authentically realize they made a mistake. Yes, this sounds somewhat romantic. However, we must be careful not to let them back to prove we were right. It also depends on what they figured out. For example, if they left because they thought they could do better but are only coming back upon learning that the grass wasn’t greener, that’s not a great situation.

Certain people are also more likely to try to rekindle a lost relationship. Research finds that people are most likely to want to get back together when they need more reassurance and love in their relationships (i.e., those high in attachment anxiety) and have more significant confusion over who they were as a person (i.e., lower self-concept clarity) (Cope & Mattingly, 2021). This suggests that if your former partner helped you feel more like yourself, and you’re feeling a little lost, the simplest solution is to rekindle that relationship to feel whole again.

Should You Take Them Back? 5 Questions to Ask

In many ways, the most important question is whether you should give the relationship another try. Here are five questions to help you find the answer:

1. What were the key issues that led to the initial breakup? How many of those remain? (Often, very little has truly changed. If that’s the case, expecting a different outcome is unreasonable.)
2. What has changed in them as a person? What clear evidence do you have that those changes are genuine, substantial, and sustainable? (Don’t just rely on what they say has changed. Focus on behaviors and tangible proof instead.)
3. What has changed in you since the relationship ended? How will your growth give the relationship a better chance of working? (You should have changed as well, but don’t take this to mean that you should do all the work. Change should be mutual.)
4. How open and honest is your communication? Are you holding things back? What are you not saying? How about them? (Good communication is the first step in solving any relationship problem).
5. Knowing what you know, if your best friend was in a similar position, what would you suggest they do? (This helps create enough psychological distance to facilitate objectivity.)

Is it possible to rekindle a past relationship and have it work out? Yes. However, the odds are stacked against you, as research shows that giving a relationship a second chance often isn’t the best approach (Dailey et al., 2009) and may only prolong the distress. Research also finds that on-again/off-again relationships were twice as likely to experience physical abuse compared to those whose relationships stayed together or apart (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013).

Because going back isn’t usually a great idea, grit or perseverance in the face of adversity helps. Those with more grit avoided flip-flopping or ending up back together and could stick to their decision (O’Sullivan et al., 2019). Grit, along with optimism that the break-up will work out for the best, helps avoid depressive symptoms and the type of second-guessing that can lead a person to consider going back.

Rekindling is often about convenience. Rather than doing what’s easiest, focus on doing what’s best for your long-term fulfillment.

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