I was all ready to discuss another topic in this post when I received the following email from a reader the other day:
"There is a huge difference between telling a child to ‘suck it up' and do their homework, and telling them to suck it up when dealing with emotions. My son reads your advice and interprets that any time his five-year-old son whines at all he needs to suck it up."
Of course, no parent likes to hear their children complain. It's frustrating and just plain irritating. It's easy for parents to think that they have a whiny child and that you need to nip that behavior in the bud by just telling them to shut up (especially when a blog post from a so-called parenting expert seems to advocate that approach!).
But let me be very clear, though I totally support teaching children to ‘suck it up' when they complain about having to do something that they would rather not, I do not by any means suggest that parents should tell them to ‘shut up' when they are expressing their emotions-even though that is what they would love to do sometimes!
The fact is that children's emotions are the most essential, yet most neglected, aspect of their development. Most essential because there is nothing more important to children's future success and happiness than the development of what I call emotional mastery. Most neglected because, despite their importance, children don't get any "formal" training in mastering their emotions, no classes in emotions nor do they learn it from their parents in any thorough way.
Emotional Overprotection
In attempting to protect their children from feeling badly, many parents prevent them from feeling emotions at all in the mistaken belief that feeling "bad" emotions, such as anger, sadness, or frustration, will somehow scar their children. To the contrary, not feeling so-called bad emotions hurts children in two ways. First, emotions are like two sides of the same coin; children can't feel good emotions, such as excitement, joy, and inspiration, unless they are allowed to feel the bad emotions too. Second, without feeling bad emotions children never learn to deal with those emotions. This overprotection leaves children wholly unprepared for the "real world" where unpleasant emotions are just a part of life.
Not-so-obvious Emotions
The challenge for parents is to be able to look beneath the irritation of the emotions that are most readily evident and get at the true emotions that their children are experiencing. For example, when children have a temper tantrum, anger is rarely the real emotion. It's easy to label a child as having "anger management" issues or as "acting out," but these are just labels assigned by parents and mental-health professionals in an attempt to simplify the incredible complexity of children. Anger is a defensive emotion aimed at protecting children (and adults) from more painful emotions such as fear, sadness, and shame. Similarly, whininess is the overt expression of children feeling frustrated, not getting their needs met, or feeling out of control (all of which, I might add, is a normal part of being a kid). When parents understand the true emotions that children are feeling, they are then in a position to teach them how to become masters rather than victims of their emotions.
Parents as Emotional Masters
Children learn their most basic emotional habits from their parents through observation and modeling. The development of emotional mastery is greatly facilitated when parents possess the qualities that their children need to learn. The reality is though that most parents-as human beings-carry with them some unhealthy emotional baggage and habits from their childhoods that, if left unchecked, will be passed on to their children. As a colleague of mine noted so insightfully, "A parent's unconscious is their child's reality." I find that observation to be particularly terrifying. If a parent has persistent anger, it is likely that their child will ingrain this anger in their emotional lives (or, if they take the brunt of that anger, develop a fearful personality). If a parent is constantly frustrated, their child may adopt that emotional style. Conversely, if parents are emotional masters, they will likely instill positive emotional habits in their children. One of the strongest recommendations I can make to parents is to explore their emotional life and ensure that they are capable of teaching their children to be emotional masters, so that their unconscious doesn't become their child's reality.
Emotional Coaching
Emotional mastery is not the absence of emotions or suppressing the emotions that children feel. Instead, it involves children being able to recognize what emotions they are experiencing, understand what is causing the emotions, and being able to express the emotions in a healthy way.
Parents can facilitate their children's understanding by engaging in "emotional coaching," in which they guide their children in the exploration of their emotional worlds. Parents can identify situations as opportunities for their children to learn about their emotions, such as hurt feelings over a disappointing performance or anger over a conflict with a friend. Children can easily separate negative from positive emotions, but only with experience can they learn the differences between different negative emotions. When children feel bad, they need to be able to distinguish whether they are, for example, fearful, angry, frustrated, sad, or hurt. Parents can describe to their children different ways they might feel in that situation and compare those feelings with what their children are feeling at the moment. Research has shown that emotional coaching can act as a buffer against a variety of psychological problems and children who are coached emotionally focus more effectively, are better learners, and do better in school.
Children can get so wrapped up in the negative emotions of the moment that they are unable to step back and see that their reactions are not serving them well. And they can't readily access tools to help them deal constructively with their emotions. This is a point at which parents can intervene. With parents' help both as role models and emotional coaches, children can learn to recognize and identify their emotions. They can then search themselves and their environment for possible causes of their emotional reactions. Seeing the reasons for their feelings provides children with further information about the emotional experience and gives them greater understanding and control over what they feel. This process also encourages children to "step back" from their emotions, which lessens their intensity and impact. It also provides children with the opportunity to express what they feel in a healthy way that serves them best.
Be Patient
Developing emotional mastery is a life-long process that requires awareness and practice. The power of parents lies in their ability to send regular instructive messages about emotions and look for teachable moments in which to instill emotional mastery. Each time children make the right emotional choice, they are making it easier to choose the next time. The great thing about emotional mastery is that it is self-rewarding. When children make the correct choice, they not only feel better, but the situation improves as well. The ultimate goal of emotional mastery is for children to be able to fully experience the entire spectrum of emotions, embrace the positive emotions, and resolve in a healthy way the negative emotions.
