The Underrated Value of Your Post-Sex Talk

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Sex can be fun and satisfying. What happens afterwards, though, tends to leave a lasting impression and often determines if someone wants to have sex with that same partner again in the future. Recent research shows that post-sex communication, in particular, is crucial for sexual satisfaction.

People involved in kinky sex have long understood the importance of what they call aftercare—the attentive interaction and conversations that kinksters have after their sexy fun has ended. Taking the time to talk, cuddle, and reflect is key to kinksters’ satisfaction with their partners and is easily translated to more vanilla interactions.

Post-sex communication is so important that, when done well, it can overcome bad sex with a lasting good impression as the final note. When done poorly, however, post-sex communication can also ruin good sex with a lasting bad feeling at the end.

In ongoing relationships, post-sex communication is critical for relationship satisfaction—often even more important than the sex itself. Following the tips below can help to make you a rockstar in bed and keep your lovers coming back for more.

3 Communication Tips for Better Afterglow

Dr. Carey Noland, Associate Professor of Communication Studies at Northeastern University, studies sexual communication. Over their decades of research, one of Noland’s primary findings is that:

“Post-sex communication has no single 'most important' rule or magic formula. Every sexual relationship is unique—whether with a long-term partner or a one-time hookup—but making your partner feel valued matters regardless of context. Post-sex communication is one of the most significant ways to accomplish this. For some people, this means verbal praise and attention; for others, it's nonverbal care like cuddling or bringing water or a snack.”

The best ways to improve post-sex interactions are to leave your phone alone, talk to each other, and give each other satisfying touch.

1. Hands Off the Phone

Few things can be a bigger turn-off than someone jumping on their phone immediately after sex. (It's even worse if they grab their phone to start scrolling dating apps!)

Noland’s research finds that phone use right after sex typically leaves people feeling ignored and increasingly dissatisfied with their lover. Even if the sex itself is good, people report being less likely to want to have sex with that person again when they immediately get on their phones after sex. Instead, good lovers pay attention to the real person next to them for positive post-sex interactions.

2. Pillow Talk

Talking after sex is a time-honored way to help partners feel good about their sexual encounters. Expressing attraction, admiration, and playfulness can help lovers feel connected and appreciated once the active sexual part of the encounter has concluded.

Pillow talk can include what went well and the new things that partners might want to try in the future. If the sex went badly or lovers need something to change, Noland’s research finds that it is better to wait a little bit—for example, until they are dressed and feeling slightly less vulnerable—to bring up what went wrong and how to improve.

3. Satisfying Touch

Satisfying touch after sex turns out to be a significant factor in the post-sex experience. Cuddling and continued physical affection after making love are major sources of connection and contribute to enjoying the post-sex afterglow. Some of Noland's respondents report that they find post-sex cuddling even more intimate than the sex itself.

While satisfying touch is often the first step to a wonderful afterglow, it can be challenging. If sex is designed for and dependent on male enjoyment and ends once the male has reached orgasm, then that can leave their partners feeling unsatisfied. By communicating with their partners to see if continued stimulation is desirable and what kind of touch is appealing, men can significantly improve their partners' sexual satisfaction.

Not only is it important to satisfy partners even after the lover has orgasmed, but it can also be important even when they don’t orgasm. Whether it be intentionally or unintentionally, lovers can abstain from sexual stimulation or have sex without an orgasm and still focus on providing their partners with pleasure. Even when everyone involved who wants an orgasm has had one (or more), affectionate touch goes a long way to help leave a lasting positive impression.

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Communication Mistakes to Avoid After Sex

While Noland’s respondents detail what makes sex good or great, they also offer some insights into why sex might go badly. Hygiene is important, so lovers should be careful to shower and brush their teeth before making moves on their sexual partners.

Ghosting people after having sex with them is rude and hurtful, and many of Noland’s respondents say that post-sex ghosting could be a dealbreaker that made them want to avoid having sex with that person again in the future. That is true no matter what gender the respondents were.

Finally, phone use can interfere with sex—texting and scrolling can interrupt or inhibit initiating sex, and getting on the phone right after sex often feels like a major turn off to the other person/people who are left feeling ignored or disposable.

Having (great) sex is about more than intercourse. Making sure to satisfy partners before, during, and especially after sex can make the whole experience much better for everyone. Noland concludes that:

“Whether through trial and error or directly asking what a partner would appreciate, the key is recognizing that post-sex communication matters and actively engaging in behaviors that help both people feel good.”

Emotionally, physically, and socially, paying attention to a partner’s needs after having sex makes them much more likely to want to do it again in the future.

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