The Polyamorous Perfect Storm

The Longitudinal Polyamorous Family Study has followed a group of respondents since 1996 as they raise their families in multiple-partner relationships. It focused on the well-being of children raised in polyamorous families and the ways in which polyamorous relationships impact adults across their lifespans. Among the fascinating data this study has produced, some repeated patterns of interaction have emerged in the findings. One of these is the perfect storm.

Perfect Storm

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The perfect storm pattern begins with a long-term polyamorous relationship in which the partners have been together for years or perhaps decades. Frequently they are primary partners, or if they are in a nonhierarchical relationship they might be nesting partners or simply the partner with whom they spend the most time and other limited resources.¹ In other words, it is usually their deepest, longest-term, and/or most intimate relationship where they get many of their relational needs met. These devoted partners often develop a pattern over the years where they rely on each other for emotional and practical support, intimacy, and perhaps sex. If something traumatic happens in their lives or they simply have a bad day, their beloved partner is the first one they want to go to for support.

The pattern usually goes like this: Morgan and Kai have been polyamorous for the last 15 years and, while they have had their ups and downs, it has been pretty great overall. Then something bad happens to Morgan—they lose their job, hair, figure, beloved parent, mobility, or something that has a lasting negative impact. Exactly at that same time while Morgan is dealing with aftermath of the event, Kai meets JP and they really click, with lots of chemistry and exciting conversations. Morgan’s needs for comfort, attention, and support go up just as Kai’s attention is drawn to JP.

Kai and JP have no nefarious intentions and do not mean to neglect Morgan, but they are simply captivated with each other and might fail to notice how much Morgan is hurting. Morgan then becomes increasingly upset, angry, and insecure, which makes communication even more difficult. This can be compounded if JP is somehow “better” than Morgan—at least in Morgan’s imagination. Kai does not have to threaten to leave or even criticize Morgan. Instead, Kai is usually just distracted by JP and still loves Morgan deeply. With only 24 hours in a day and a long history of successful relating to Morgan, Kai can sometimes focus too much on JP and fail to meet Morgan’s increased needs.

For example, one respondent who had strongly identified with their profession to maintain a sense of identity, accomplishment, and meaning was laid off. After losing his job, he fell into a depression that was intensified by the difficulty he faced finding another comparable job in a seriously foundering economic climate. His beloved began dating a new person they met through a work friend and was coming home from dates glowing with excitement and brimming with news about how interesting and engaging her new beau was turning out to be. Unemployed, depressed, and feeling very insecure, his beloved’s new relationship brought up an anguish that he had not experienced before and hopes never to experience again.

Another respondent had just had a baby and was feeling insecure about the changes to her body and upset with sleep deprivation. Her beloved’s new partner was a semi-professional dancer who spent hours in the rehearsal studio working out and enjoyed dancing socially. Without enough time to even get enough sleep much less workout for hours per day, the new mom felt stuck and compared herself quite negatively to the dancer—even though neither the dancer nor the long-term partner shamed her for her body.

Managing the Aftermath

What happens in the wake of the perfect storm? Depending on how everyone handles it, the relationship might implode spectacularly, or the people involved may address the issues in an effective way that allows them to move forward together even stronger and more resilient than before. That second outcome is far more likely to happen when the people involved have deep trust in each other, great communication skills, and excellent self-soothing abilities.

When things go poorly, the relationship can disintegrate completely. This is more likely to happen if Morgan is unable or unwilling to manage their jealousy and/or stop comparing themselves unfavorably to JP, and especially if Morgan has limited support outside of Kai. Another way things go awry is when Kai fails to meet Morgan’s increased needs and instead focuses more on their exciting new relationship with JP. Morgan then becomes increasingly upset and angry, so Morgan and Kai are more likely to have conflict, which can encourage Kai to spend more time with JP in the lower-conflict relationship. This can create a cycle of Morgan and Kai fighting and Kai going to JP for comfort, which then drives Morgan even further away. Unless Morgan and Kai do something to interrupt it, that pattern often ends in the two of them breaking up.

When things go well, everyone involved in the perfect storm is able to have effective conversations where they listen deeply to each other, empathize with each other’s feelings, and are able to negotiate equitable agreements that meet everyone’s needs to the greatest extent possible. Obviously, that is much easier to do in relationships that have built trust over time. If JP is able to engage in these conversations, that is ideal, but Morgan and Kai’s discussions are the most critical because that is the root of the issue.

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Practically, managing the perfect storm can involve Morgan seeking additional support outside of their relationship with Kai to get some of their needs met in other ways. It can be especially helpful if Morgan already has a significant support network and/or other partners that can increase their support. If possible, befriending JP can help humanize them and allow Morgan’s insecurities to wane. Navigating the outcome of the perfect storm can also include Kai going out of their way to spend extra time with and attention to Morgan to ensure that their increased needs are met. Depending on what happened and the severity of the ongoing impacts, Kai might pause in their pursuit of the new relationship with JP and then return to it after the peak of Morgan’s crisis has passed.

Generally, things turn out the best when two conditions are met. First, everyone involved makes their best effort to treat each other with compassion and have each other’s best interests at heart. Second, they can mutually negotiate agreements and boundaries that are acceptable (and followable) to all. When that happens, polyamorous relationships can survive the perfect storm and grow to include new beloveds as well.