The Philosopher's Diaries

Thoughts on persons and things.

Iskra Fileva Ph.D.

The Desire to Ridicule

Doctors mock patients, IT staff laugh at users, flight attendants make fun of passengers. There has hardly ever been a person who never engaged in ridicule. Why?

The Many Promising Careers of a Self-Saboteur

When quitting becomes a habit.

The Mistake Bullies Make

Bullies often want something that cannot be attained through intimidation.

Does It Matter What "They" Think?

Sometimes, we find ourselves obsessing over how people see us, including people we neither respect nor admire. Why? Does it really matter what they think?

Choosing Between Loved Ones and Our Own Happiness

Sometimes, the people we love want our help, but we can only help them if we sacrifice our own goals and happiness.

The Pain of Emotional Ambivalence

An ambivalent relationship with a loved one may be worse than a plainly bad one.

What Is an Emergency?

If a patient is suffocating, we try to save him immediately. If he has cancer, however, we take our time and often delay treatment thereby increasing the risk of death. Why?

Of Kings and Taxi Drivers: The Many Faces of Charisma

We like charismatic actors and royalties, but we may have mixed feelings about charismatic drivers or carpenters. Why?

Why We Want God

Psychologist William James makes an intriguing suggestion about humanity's attraction to the idea of God.

Are We Rating Each Other to Death?

Customer satisfaction surveys often encourage us to overanalyze and excessively scrutinize aspects of interactions that do not and should not matter.

The Emotional Burdens of a Go-Between

When two people you love don't get along with each other, your heart is torn. But what is even worse is to have the two try to get you involved in their squabble.

The Magical Thinking of White Supremacists

Some supremacists seem to believe that if they focus on the fact they share skin color with a great person, that greatness will rub off on them.

The Will to Heal

There is a part of us that remains sealed off from all of our maladies and unbroken by all of our suffering. We can lean on it in order to heal.

Beggars for Affection

Some friendships are asymmetric: One person wants or craves the other’s company while the converse is not true.

Why We Cannot Prepare for a Loved One’s Death

Some people's presence in our lives is at the core of our well-being and even our sanity. When they pass away, we shatter. But there is no preparation for death except betrayal.

The Dark Side of Perfectionism

The mind infected by maladaptive perfectionism desires success without any false starts and impressive achievements without any average ones.

Despair

Sometimes, we despair not of a particular thing such as a job or a relationship, but of life as a whole. We seem to reach the end of hope.

Moral Luck

Consider two people driving drunk. One runs over a pedestrian while the other gets safely home. Is it fair that only one of them goes to jail when the two acted in the same way?

Self-Sabotage

One common form of self-sabotage involves fantasizing about the future instead of adopting an actual plan. What motivates this self-destructive behavioral pattern?

The Awkward Age

We, adults, lack sympathy for adolescents. That’s partly because we have a tangled relationship with the adolescent we once were.

Lockdown Versus Freedom

Many are not sanguine about social distancing measures. They want to resume their daily routines. Does anyone have a right to stop them?

Why We Lose Control

When we lash out, it seems to us that we lose charge because anger prevails. But strong emotions do not prevail—they seduce us.

Why Do So Many Men Feel Inadequate?

I once asked the following question on social media: “Is the word ‘loser’ used to refer to men only?" Respondents were unanimous.

Ulterior Motives

It is said that a person always has two reasons for action—a good reason, and the real reason.

Is There Love Without Commitment?

Without commitment, there can be no intimacy. Non-committal people may say to each other "I love you," but they cannot be soulmates.

Why "Gentle Reminders" Are Not So Gentle

It is the recipient who should be the judge of whether a reminder is gentle or not.

Can We Escape from Ourselves?

Sometimes, we switch jobs, partners, or cities in search of novelty, only to find that nothing has fundamentally changed—circumstances are different, but we are the same people.

Irrational Optimism, Superstitious Fear

In the face of danger, some people fear the worst possible outcome. Others envision only the best. Both strategies may involve magical thinking.

Why We Seek Closure

When we cannot avoid pain, we try to re-interpret it and confine it to an earlier chapter. We write and rewrite the stories of our lives in an attempt to heal.

Intimacy in the Face of Death

I once knew a couple whose young son was dying. The parents refused to talk with him about his approaching death.

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