Gratitude Reconsidered: Thankfulness Is More Than a Warm Feeling

In a classic study of American character, sociologist Robert Bellah and his Harvard colleagues documented that an individualist mythology dominates the way most of us think about our lives. Although we acknowledge significant connections to other people, we feel that we should be the agents of our own destiny. Being an adult means taking care of oneself and a small circle of loved ones. Responsibility begins and ends with the self.

Those “habits of the heart,” to use Alexis de Tocqueville’s phrase, run deep. And they are perpetuated not only by social institutions—think of the ways that economics, education, healthcare, and even religion center on individual enterprise—but also by language and cultural mores. The respondents in the Harvard study had difficulty talking about the well-being of broader communities and of seeing their lives in those terms. Ideas of “we the people” surrendered to those of “I” and “me.”

Gratitude as an alternative commitment

A different approach to life is emphasized by psychological studies of gratitude. In essence, gratitude is the condition of being thankful for the good things that happen to us. More than that, gratitude acknowledges that many of those things are caused by external factors, sources we cannot control. When we say or “give” thanks, we reciprocate, in that small way, the blessings bestowed upon us.

Many people have trouble feeling and expressing gratitude. To be sure, such people are usually polite enough. With little effort, they exchange courtesies in social situations. They smile amiably. The words “please” and “thank you” flow easily from their lips. However, they do not feel profoundly grateful for the blessings that have come their way.

Sometimes, that attitude is just a kind of personal laziness or, more generously, a falling out of the habit of being attentive to others. More commonly, it is wrapped in a belief system that identifies one’s own efforts as the principal cause of good fortune. That “attribution bias,” as it is sometimes called, has a secondary feature. The believer holds that it is only their failures that are caused by external factors, perhaps bad luck, the “system,” or the mischief of other people.

As the reader will note, this worldview is largely a strategy of self-protection. Adherents treat their successes as evidence of their own capabilities and resolve. They see misfortunes as occasions to solidify their defenses.

However, psychological research on gratitude suggests the limitations of this thinking. To cite a longitudinal study of 49,000 nurses published this year, the habitual practice of gratitude—reminding oneself to be thankful to others for the good things that happen in life—had numerous positive effects. These included such physical benefits as lower blood pressure, better sleep, a stronger immune system, and less risk of mental decline. The nurses in the high-gratitude group even lived longer than their less appreciative peers.

More generally, practicing gratitude counters mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. It facilitates the formation of social bonds. It enhances empathy. Critically, it turns the mind from negative thoughts to acknowledgments that the world is not hostile territory. Every day, or so the practitioner learns, there are good things that happen to us. Treasuring the relationships that produced those outcomes is the surest route to happiness.

I support this research tradition’s emphasis on the benefits of gratitude. Although we should not minimize life’s difficulties and disappointments, we also should not forget our positive relationships. We should extend ourselves to people, including strangers. We should note—in writing or otherwise—the good things that happen each day.

Having made those points, I think it is critical to avoid a style of gratitude that is little more than vague self-affirmation. To be sure, we all want to feel liked and supported, to feel that the world is on our side. However, the best practice of gratitude demands a clear set of commitments.

To whom are we grateful?

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In my region of the country, “Thank You Jesus” signs are a common sight in the front yards of rural homes. Elsewhere, one may see “Thank God” or “Thank Science” ones. I’ve no intention here of questioning the centrality of faith traditions in people’s lives. Nor do I dispute the fundamental premise of most organized religions: that one should be grateful for the life that God has granted them and that they should express that gratitude through various forms of offering.

However, these signs seem more like announcements than confessions. Like political posters, they proclaim the directions of one’s support, whom one stands with and for. By extension, they distinguish the displayer from others, such as the “unchurched” or those who are unwilling to bear witness in this way.

Again, gratitude to the supernatural is a profound matter. It anchors lives, more significantly in bad times than in good ones. Coherently organized, it helps people avoid an existence that is little more than wandering through a succession of meaningless presents. At best, gratitude of this sort is a posture of humility in the face of the universe.

That said, gratitude shouldn’t be a platitude. Public display shouldn’t outpace personal introspection. Thankfulness shouldn’t be a wedge to separate believers from ingrates.

Note also that commitment to a deity—or to some other, even more abstractly conceived form of universal coherence—sometimes substitutes for thankfulness to the more proximate people who make one’s life worthwhile. Let the reader decide which is easier: declaring one’s debt to the supernatural or looking into the eyes of a friend or family member and telling them what they have meant to you.

Pointedly, gratitude shouldn’t be a way to remind ourselves how lucky we are. It shouldn’t just be “transactional,” that is, a semi-automatic response to happy occurrences. It should, instead, reinforce the relationships that provide a positive trajectory to our lives.

What are we grateful for?

In his oft-quoted anthem Invictus, the Victorian poet William Ernest Henley raged against life’s difficulties. “I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul,” he wrote. Others take a similar, if less extreme, approach. That is, they are satisfied to be the people they are and happy to acknowledge any pertinent source of that circumstance. Several of my students over the years held that viewpoint. They claimed to have “won the genetic lottery,” which meant having families that granted them intelligence, good looks, a comfortable environment, and sound economic prospects. Note, as well: they had no intention of changing any of those qualities. They simply wanted to acknowledge their good fortune.

One of the dangers of gratitude is that it can be self-serving. It may focus on our own circumstances rather than on the circumstances of other people, who indeed may have produced the advantages we now enjoy. Like those students, we give thanks for “our” health, job, and general life stability. Pointedly, “we” are the frame of reference here. Let others make their own declarations.

At its best, gratitude centers on the well-being of those in our broader circles of concern. The wider—and less self-interested—those commitments, the better. Being grateful that our team won the big game is merely contented partisanship. Better forms of gratitude (and hope) are spent on those who’ve endured military invasions, natural disasters, and the scourges of disease. It is that broadly human or “public” soul that must be unconquerable.

How do we express gratitude?

Acknowledging gratitude has significant therapeutic benefits. Personal reflection—whether through meditation, journaling, or some other technique—helps people clarify where they stand in their own social relationships, the wider society, and the cosmos. By affirming positive aspects of our lives, we can turn our attention more productively to the negative issues that need attention.

Private acknowledgments of this sort are useful, but they should lead to conversations with the people who’ve helped us. There is even a place for public testimonials, open declarations of the contributions that various people have made to their communities.

Verbal expressions are not to be underestimated. But all of us are clear that there are times to do more than this. Sometimes, the contributors themselves need help. Labor, money, referrals to other sources of support, or just time spent with someone are the ways we express our concern.

In sum, expressions of gratitude should not be occasions to make ourselves feel good. Ideally, they are open attempts to improve the world we live in. Let our work—more than our confessions—be the vehicle by which we feel better about our own possibilities.