7 Steps to Self-Forgiveness

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Forgiveness. One big word with transformative implications. Yet, it turns even more transformative when you add another word in front of it: self-forgiveness.

We've already established that you can be a little too hard on yourself. When you make a mistake, you blame yourself endlessly for it. When a romantic relationship doesn't work out, you feel guilty for it. When you say something not so ideal in the heat of the moment, you beat yourself up for not keeping your cool.

Look, you're human. You make mistakes. You say things you didn't mean. You do things that don't go to plan. In hindsight, you realize you should have done something else. That’s OK, and that’s more than normal. That’s all part of the journey. That's all part of living a full human life.

Guilt

Guilt is another thing that is a part of human life. It’s normal to feel it and it’s important to acknowledge it. But don’t let it stay for too long. Don’t invite guilt into your home as a permanent resident as it is too heavy a burden to house every day. It anchors you in the past and prevents you from moving forward. It makes you scared to show up fully, and it stops you from opening up to people. In the end, if you let it take over, you will feel tense and anxious, and your shoulders will physically start to hurt from carrying the weight of the guilt with you.

How to Forgive

It doesn't have to be this way. Instead, you can acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them. You can grow from your missteps and evolve through them. But you can’t stay in them. Realize that they’ve happened, that they’re now in the past, and that it’s time to move on. Realize that it’s time to let go and it’s time to forgive.

Here is how:

1. Acknowledge the guilt you feel. Denying it will only give it more power.
2. Say, “I feel guilty,” not “I am guilty.” This makes it clear that guilt isn’t a permanent part of who you are but a temporary feeling that will fade.
3. Say, “I’m sorry.” Say it to yourself, to the person you might have hurt, or to whoever might have been impacted. This is an important part of forgiveness that starts the healing.
4. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can. That’s you and me both. In any moment in time, we are doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. Remember this.
5. Learn and grow from your mistake. Identify what you learned from the situation that has made you feel guilty. It could be a specific life learning, a skill that needs developing, or perhaps a revelation about you and your values. If it was a clear mistake, think about how you can prevent it from happening again.
6. Be patient. Forgiving yourself can feel harder than forgiving someone else. That’s OK. It’s normal. Simply trust the process, repeat the steps as long as you need to, and be patient and kind toward yourself.
7. Forgive. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. You are human and the best thing about you is that you are real. Forgive yourself for your flaws. We all have them, and they make us who we are. Forgive yourself for not being stronger. You are stronger than you think, you are stronger every new day, and you are stronger than you ever thought you would be.

Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. You have always done the best you could with the knowledge you had. You will continue to do your best every day, and that is more than enough. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that are yet to come. They are an inevitable part of this mad adventure we call life, and they are often our biggest, most meaningful teachers.

Forgive yourself for the bad thoughts you have. We all have them, and the fact that you are admitting them is already a small victory to be celebrated. Forgive yourself for the times you’ve been short-tempered and said something you didn’t mean. It is a part of being human, and it is a part of being an emotional being.

Forgive yourself for the failures and the setbacks. They have made you into the person you are today, and they have brought you to where you are. Remember, before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall. Sometimes those falls lead you into your versions of Wonderland. Forgive yourself for the falls and open yourself to the possibilities.

I forgive myself. I forgive you. The question is: Are you ready to forgive yourself?

This is an excerpt from Notes on Self-Love.