Why People Who Ghosted You May Get Back in Touch

Most media outlets have bemoaned the isolation, loneliness, and disconnection of coronavirus quarantine and sheltering in place. What’s been little noted has been the opposite: Pandemic Reverse Ghosting Syndrome or PRGS.

Out of the blue, people we haven’t heard from in ages, people who had ghosted, rejected or even abused us are showing up. It certainly can be a welcome shift in many respects, as more people recognize the value of relationship, communication, kindness, and love. But it can also be a bit … jarring. Let's consider mild, moderate, and severe cases.

Mild PRGS: This broad category largely refers to benign and welcome contact. It includes primarily the sudden outpouring of requests for Zoom calls from people you are friendly with but rarely see under normal circumstances. These are the people (like you) who need to schedule lunches and coffee dates with friends three weeks in advance.

Suddenly – there’s more time, and the friendship becomes more visible. What happens when life returns to some semblance of normal? Who knows? I’m treating it as a godsend and enjoying it while it lasts. Mild PRGS also includes those people who are suddenly warmer, now happy to see you whereas they may have once given the impression of disliking you. Is this "Pandemic Patina?" Or a true reversal? Experts will disagree, and only time will tell.

Moderate PRGS: These are the exes and friends who’ve basically faded from view for no particular reason, but then suddenly text you, like your IG post, or even call you. Is your ex suddenly horny for you? Is there some latent regret about your parting ways two years ago? Is your former friend suddenly wistful and needing some connection to a happy memory? Chances are that Moderate PGRS will be a nice surprise, but don’t get your hopes up.

Severe PRGS: I’ve heard of several cases of exes, relatives, and friends who fell out of a relationship in a very harsh way — with anger, accusations, vitriol — having a kind of conversion during COVID-19. They apologize, express regrets about their behavior, suggest that they really do love you, and might even ask for a return to the relationship.

While it is nice that they are realizing the importance of kindness and relationship, it might also parallel the cycle of abuser-victim dyads, with the abuser continually apologizing and the victim forgiving and hoping, only to return to the cycle. This is a real judgment call: Do you acknowledge and validate the person? What might this lead to? It is always reasonable for you to maintain boundaries if the person has made you feel unsafe emotionally or physically.

Have you had ghosts in your life that turn into zombies (returning from the dead, so to speak) during the pandemic? Tell your story in the comments section.

I hope that we will all experience a boom in kindness, love, and appreciation for relationships during these difficult times. It’s a good general practice of self-compassion and other-compassion to be forgiving of the ghosts in our lives, but it's not always easy. As I told one woman bemoaning the loss of handshakes and hugs, and wondering how Europeans were coping with the loss of cheek-kisses, "May we come back kissing.”

You may also like:

• New Year’s Resolution: Make San Francisco Nice Again!
• I was interviewed by Dublin, Ireland's premier radio station on this topic on July 23, 2020: What Is Pandemic Reverse Ghosting Syndrome?
• My own huge example of PRGS: MOSF 16.1: Happy Valentine’s Day, Christine Crites of Nashville, Wherever and Whoever You Are, published February 14, 2021.

(c) 2020 Ravi Chandra, M.D., D.F.A.P.A.

Facebook image: FGC/Shutterstock