Parenting
Why Some Fathers Compete with Their Sons—And How to Stop
A therapist’s guide to building real connection.
Updated May 5, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Fathers often unconsciously compete with their sons due to an unaddressed Laius complex.
- Healing your own childhood wounds fosters a healthy, more present connection with your son.
- Boys learn intimacy by watching fathers model vulnerability, not control or emotional distance.
- Ditching sarcasm teaches your son to communicate with honesty, safety, and mutual respect.
Sons don’t want their father’s "balls"; they want their hearts. And, for many, the heart of a father is a difficult item to come by.”— Terrence Real
From the moment my eldest son was born 13 years ago, I’ve been searching for how to be a better dad. I was already a family therapist and knew the theories about parenting, emotional intelligence, and more. But his birth rocked my world and opened emotional doors I never knew existed. I quickly realized that all the theories weren’t helping me day to day, and that any relationship would have to be explored viscerally.
As my son celebrates a milestone this month, I’ve been reflecting on what I know—and don’t know—about being a father to a boy.
Oedipus and Laius
We all know the story of Oedipus. But the character I’ve been thinking about lately is Laius, Oedipus’s father. Laius is warned that his son will one day kill him and marry his wife. In fear, he abandons baby Oedipus to die—only for the prophecy to be tragically fulfilled.
In psychotherapy, Laius complex refers to a dynamic in which a father sees his son as a rival or threat, leading to jealousy, competition, and fear of being replaced. The fear masks unresolved pain and perpetuates psychological patriarchy and a scarcity model of love. It often manifests in controlling, distant, or punitive behaviors.
The Laius complex felt uncomfortably familiar. In recent years, I’ve worked hard to help myself and other men connect to their feelings and thrive. Therefore, I was determined not to pass down Laius's legacy to my son.
How to Not Be Laius
To soften the Laius complex, fathers must confront their insecurities and see their sons as distinct beings—not adversaries or extensions of themselves.
How to do that?
What follows is a list of steps poetic and practical for any father ready to rewrite his relational legacy:
Feel (what you’ve been taught to bury)
You won’t be able to abandon the Laius role if you don’t know what you’re feeling. Widen your emotional range; work on covert male depression. Let yourself feel anger, tenderness, fear, and love. Emotional numbness fuels control; emotional awareness breeds connection.
Heal (whatever wounds you carry from childhood)
Your son doesn't need a perfect father—he needs a present one. Tend to the wounded boy in you who wasn't fully seen or held. The more you heal that part, the less you’ll punish your actual child.
Deal (with the psychological patriarchy you inherited)
Look back at your father’s limitations and the silence passed down. Patriarchy thrives on scarcity—of power, of love, of attention. Choose generosity over competition and domination.
Unseal (the wondrous child within you)
Reconnect with the primal part of you that loves to play, feel, and explore. The wondrous child inside you is your battery. He keeps you vital and helps you engage with your son as he discovers the world.
Be real (in your partnership)
Let your son witness what empathy, honesty, and connection look like between adults. If you constantly belittle or fight with your partner, he will absorb that as his model. Mature intimacy is eye-level, curious, and vulnerable. Your son learns how to love by watching you love.
Don’t conceal (your jealousy—transform it)
When your son is close with his mother, don’t compete. Celebrate their bond. Love isn’t a pie—it expands when shared. If you feel threatened or jealous—it’s normal—notice it, but don’t act on it. His closeness to his mother will teach him how to relate to the feminine, which will benefit the whole family.
Reveal (instead of project)
Your son is not your echo, rival, or repair. Get curious. Open your heart to who your son truly is—not who you fear or wish him to be. Witness the wonder of his becoming. He is not a version of you, your brother, or your father. Open yourself to his distinct uniqueness.
Wheel (steer the conversation toward respect)
Don’t jab, mock, or use sarcasm with your son. Sarcasm is often just veiled aggression—it teaches him to hide behind humor instead of being real. Keep the jokes clean and the words kind. He’s not your bro—he’s a young man learning the art of intimate communication. Help him steer toward honesty and connection by leading the way.
Appeal (to your wise adult self)
Father from your grounded, adult self, not your reactive parts. Ask before you touch him. Ask how he wants to be celebrated, loved, and seen. When you feel triggered, pause. Breathe. Choose mentorship over domination. You’re not here to reenact Laius; you’re here to help him become a man who can feel freely, starting with you.
The Future of Our Society Lies Within Your Child
By healing the Laius complex, you’re freeing your son from the chains of harmful versions of masculinity. You’re not just softening his Oedipus complex. You’re participating in healing the world.
References
Ettinger, B. L. (2015, March 1). The Laius Complex: Abraham, Laius, Moses — Father, Trauma, and Carrying. Los Angeles Review of Books. https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/the-laius-complex-abraham-laius-moses-father-trauma-and-carrying
Levy, I. (2011). The Laius complex: From myth to psychoanalysis. International Forum of Psychoanalysis, 20(4), 222–228. https://doi.org/10.1080/0803706X.2011.597428
Real, T. (1998). I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.
