Getting My Anxious Child to Sleep Is a Bedtime Battle

This is Part 2 of a series. Read Part 1 here.

Sometimes the simpler strategies I mentioned in Part 1 of this post are not enough. Perhaps your kid yells for hours when you try to make them stay in their room, or they keep banging on your door, or they threaten self-harm, run away, refuse to go to school the next day, or even threaten suicide? What then do you do? These behaviors can be overwhelming. You may even wonder if you should take your child to the emergency room for possible psychiatric hospitalization. Doesn’t this mean that something is terribly wrong when they behave this way?

The short answer is both “Yes” and “No.” “Yes” because your child has not developed or has lost their ability to self-regulate and put themselves to sleep, and “No” because they are having a tantrum, which is almost always a situation that can be managed by inattention, even if your child has a mental health condition, neurodivergence, or developmental delay. How you handle these challenging behaviors makes the difference. You might not realize it, but you can learn to do what inpatient and residential programs do and prevent the need for these services.

Step One

Recategorize bedtime yelling, crying, hitting, and threats to run away, self-harm, or refuse to go to school as a tantrum. A tantrum simply means your child is past their capacity for self-control and is bursting loose with words and behaviors to avoid something frustrating. It is an escape attempt to obtain freedom from anticipated frustration (e.g., not being able to get to sleep easily) or gain access to something desired (e.g., more cuddling or co-sleeping). Many children and teens have learned that one way to express extreme distress is to mention suicide, self-harm, or running away. It gets fast results at school and home because adults stop enforcing bedtime rules and instead shift into risk assessment and comfort mode. So, translate any bedtime threat as: “They are just frustrated with bedtime and need to learn self-regulation.”

Step Two

Recognize that any attention you give during a tantrum is toxic for learning self-regulation. That’s right, your efforts to help are only helpful if you step aside and allow your kid to learn to do the thing they are avoiding: to calm themselves down and get to sleep. Nothing you say, whether coaching advice or stern words, is going to help. It just adds mental clutter that distracts from the important task of learning to slow down, calm down, and eventually allow sleep to happen. Your words are, in fact, an irritant. How much did you like your parents talking to you when you were mad? I get goosebumps on the back of my neck when I recall my parents trying to lecture me when they wanted me to do things I disliked. No thanks!

Step Three

Go silent and disappear as soon as the tantrum occurs. You may need to quickly get into a room with a lockable door so you can separate yourself from your kid and keep your reaction hidden. You may need to wear earbuds or noise-canceling headphones. You may need to put away all sharp knives and objects in the car trunk or your bedroom to prevent the opportunity for escalation. The goal is to act like you cannot see, hear, or notice anything your child does while they are having a tantrum. If they run out of the house, let them. The self-imposed discomfort of being outdoors in pajamas with nothing to do will eventually make them choose to return. One of my children chose to “run away” several times, and each time he returned, he slunk back inside, uttered some nasty words which I ignored, and then did the thing he was avoiding. I admit it was amusing for my husband and me to sneak a peek at him through the second-story window, kicking the nearest lamppost, until he hurt his toes and stopped. He cried and cursed but eventually calmed down and came back in, and that was the lesson. He learned he could calm down even when he was furious.

Step Four

Prepare for the tantrum. If you can predict that your child or teen will storm around the house and ruin bedtime and sleep for everyone, you might need to plan for family members to sleep in a quiet area or spend the night at a quiet house while you implement no attention to tantrums. You might want to start this training on the weekend, when you and other caregivers have extra time to catch up on sleep without worrying about waking up for work or school. You might need to sanitize the house or your child’s room by removing objects that can be broken or turned into weapons so they don’t have that option. The idea is to think ahead and prevent opportunities that could throw you off your plan to stay quiet and disappear. I also recommend that partners share the burden by alternating nights so both can avoid getting hopelessly sleep-deprived.

Step Five

Be prepared for the extinction burst. The extinction burst is what happens when the child registers that you have changed your behavior. It is a sign that you are on track and doing the right thing. Most parents confuse this with things getting worse, rather than a predictable sign that the child’s behavior will soon settle. Although they will increase all the words, volume, and behaviors that seem destructive or scary, it only means they are doing one last hurrah to see if they can unseat your new no-attention response. This is when it is most important to stay the course. Your firm, calm response sends a clear message that you're confident they can learn, grow, and develop self-regulation.

Step Six

Most children will make dramatic changes within a two-week period if you consistently stop giving attention to bedtime tantrums. Children who are Level 2 and 3 on the autism spectrum can take longer, but they too learn.

Step Seven

Be prepared to stick to these rules and do not make exceptions, even for illness or vacations. The more you stick to a regular bedtime and consistent rules for lights out and sleeping in your own bed without fuss, the easier it will be for your child to fall asleep and stay asleep.