Language is a powerful tool; it has a direct impact on our psychology and our neurochemistry. Conversations change the brain, and they change relationships from the inside out. The words we use—and how we use them—trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain and body that either open us up for healthy connection, or close us down so that we speak from a place of fear and anxiety. It is through these visceral connections that language enables people to connect, share, and organize in rapidly evolving ways. Judith E. Glaser taught us that “Words Create Worlds” because why and how we use our words determines the future course of action.
Navigating Conversations
Conversational intelligence alerts us to the three levels of conversations. How we navigate these levels dictates the quality of our conversations, and ultimately our relationships. This 'conversational matrix' maps the space where people exchange ideas and energy in a range of modes from transactional to transformational. However, there are behavioral roadblocks and blind spots that prevent us from connecting even in the simplest ways.
For example:
- 'Tell, Sell, Yell’ is a conversational behavior that involves forcing a singular point of view to the exclusions of others. Quality listening and reception of other's points of view are very limited, as the focus of the conversation becomes about protecting territory and ideas. When we Tell, Sell, and Yell our ideas we tend to ramble on, and are unaware of, or ignore our conversational partner's cues. These conversations may not always be hostile, and can feel like we are simply talking past each other.
- 'Addicted to Being Right' is a conversational behavior that leverages persuasion to posit that our beliefs and answers are the only right ones. We listen to win and focus on steering the dialogue back to our narrative and beliefs. Entering conversations with a fixed point of view can pave the way for connection if views align, or rejection if views oppose. It is with great effort that we construct arguments to assert and defend our point of view so that we can be right.
The unfortunate truth is that we cannot force others to assume our position if we want to connect with them. Tell, Sell, Yell, and Addiction to Being Right are at the core of unsuccessful conversations. Not only do these behaviors erode trust, the cornerstone of conversational intelligence, they trigger our territorial instincts, bringing us into a more defensive part of our brain.
Conversational Success
Instead of focusing on who is right and who is in the wrong, conversational success can be achieved by connecting our intentions to our impact. This motivates us and others to listen to connect, not reject. Earlier we discussed roadblocks, now let's look at some of the gateways to successful conversations.
- Situational Awareness. When you converse with others, do you try to understand the purpose, or goal, of the interaction? Whether it be to just chat, to have a difficult conversation, or to move mountains, having a grasp of the intended goal allows us to clear our minds of any preconceptions or conclusions that could stand in the way of a successful conversation. By taking the time to prime ourselves for connection, we can translate that positive intention into our listening behavior.
- Power With Others. When we mutually share in building our relationship, both parties experience the positive power of the exchange. Closing the distance between yourself and others enhances and validates both people’s power.
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Double-Click. Double-clicking originated when two rapid computer mouse clicks opened up folders and documents. In conversations it is a metaphor, described by Judith E. Glaser, to explain 'clicking twice' on specific phrases used in conversations to open up the meanings others may hold inside. This enables us to analyze, take apart, interpret and understand the meaning of conversations to make sense of what both parties intend to communicate.
Remember, hearing is the automatic process of perceiving sound. Listening is a concentrated effort to attend to, decode, and understand what we are hearing, and more importantly in conversation, what others are trying to say. These exercises in Conversational Intelligence bring us out of our ‘defensive brain’ and into the ‘social brain’ that enables us to connect, navigate, and flourish together in this rapidly changing world. So, which brain are you listening with?
