How to Have Tough Conversations Without Taking Things Personally

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It started while reading Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen. They kept reiterating what another person says or thinks (negatively) about you is only that person’s perspective. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s up to you whether you take it as truth and let it make you feel bad. I’d heard and read this probably a thousand times, but it finally sunk in.

As the youngest of four growing up, my siblings (like all older siblings) sometimes teased, putting me down or taking their frustrations out on me. This is normal sibling stuff and I even appreciate it now—it taught me how to fight like hell if I need to, the epitome of Nietzsche’s “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

But back then, I internalized feeling responsible—it was somehow my fault, right? When people around me got upset, I grew this hot flush of shame. “Must be what I did that caused us to: lose the game/make a mistake in the report/get the boss disgusted/you name it. I’d worry and obsess about how to fix it, what exact words to use to apologize. On the opposite hand (mostly with loved ones), I might get defensive and shun responsibility. It was either black or white. I carried this habit well into adulthood. An empath, I was a great target for those (we all know them) who were happy to slack off while someone else took responsibility.

Reading Difficult Conversations, what I’d heard over and over again became real: What people think or say about me isn’t about me, it’s about them. I started to listen (and I could learn; there is often a kernel of truth there) but I didn’t take it into my self-concept, to think I’m “bad” in some way. The fact is, I’m not. I’m good. Or at least, good enough.

Suddenly, there was no more flush of shame. It was like a magnet that always attracted me to what others said or thought about me lost its charge. What a relief.

We’re all growing humans. Differences of opinion and conflict are inevitable. But if someone’s mad or even hateful to me, it doesn’t mean they’re right or I’m “wrong.” I can learn from every interaction but deep down, as 12-step programs teach, “What you think about me is none of my business.”

We might prefer to speak to a friend or colleague about how our spouse or boss or friend treats us or plays music or snores or ignores our needs. But that’s not the person who can help make things right. We need to invite that spouse or boss or friend into conversation directly, one-on-one, to repair and move forward. Stone, Patton, and Heen give great pointers for how to do just that:

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• Know you will have different perceptions, and both points of view are valid.
• Become aware of your assumptions and think about what’s underneath “hot” feelings: you may think the other person called you “controlling” (or whatever) because they’re mean. Maybe they were hurt or sad, felt attacked and just fought back. You want to hear their side.
• Avoid blame and create a safe space for both parties; maybe in a neutral public place where you will both stay cool.
• Listen to understand, before talking. Ask open-ended and clarifying “tell me more,” “help me understand,” and “how did you feel about that” questions to elicit the other person’s story.
• Start sentences with “I” instead of “you.”
• Try to find at least one mutual goal, solution, or process going forward—even a baby step—so you both feel positive about the conversation.

Embracing a “I can learn from this, but it doesn’t change my inner worth” attitude can be transformative. Whether it’s partners, children, colleagues, employees, or supervisors, it takes the sting out of conflicts, opening a path forward. Here’s to new freedom and understanding.

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