I agree with most off your post, but research in Epigenetics has shown that how a child is raised can turn on or turn off certain genes.

Jean M Twenge Ph.D.
Attachment parenting – and especially the extended breastfeeding that goes with it – has everyone talking today after Time magazine featured a cover photo of a mother breastfeeding her nearly 4-year-old son. Yes, breastfeeding for that long is a little weird, but that’s not the main thing wrong with this picture.
Attachment parenting, which also involves baby-wearing and co-sleeping, with kids and parents in the same bed, has enjoyed a resurgence lately. The problem: There is virtually no research to support it.
Yes, kids need to be attached to their parents, but that can be done without having tiny feet in your back when you’re trying to sleep. Yes, it’s “natural” because this is (we think) the way our hunter-gatherer ancestors raised their babies. But just because it’s natural and historic does not make it right or best. It is also “natural” for many babies and young children to die of disease. It’s "natural" for starvation to always be just around the corner, and for women to be second-class citizens. These things were all as common as attachment parenting during our hunter-gatherer past.
So why turn to attachment parenting now? Proponents say it’s best for children, and that they grow up to be better-adjusted. It’s not at all clear that that’s true. If attachment parenting goes hand in hand with indulgence – letting the child run the household – that could instead be a recipe for narcissism. When we reviewed the literature on parenting and narcissism for The Narcissism Epidemic, the most common pattern was overindulgent parenting (overpraising, putting the child on a pedestal, permissiveness, and little discipline) leading to narcissism later in life.
But, as my new favorite book Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids points out, such parenting effects are small. As twin and adoption studies show, most things parents wish for (intelligence, good health, good character) are determined much more by genetics than by parenting differences, especially within one culture. So whether your parenting tends toward attachment or its alternative will probably have only a small effect, if any, on how your kids turn out.
But your parenting will make a big difference in your life and whether you are happy. If you can’t sleep because your kid is in your bed, you will not be happy. If you can’t return to a job you like because you feel you have to breastfeed your toddler, you will not be happy. If your kids are wild and destructive because you’ve decided to give them everything they want, you will not be happy.
And as the saying goes, If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
I am not suggesting that parents stop sacrificing for their kids. When you're taking care of a baby (as I happen to be right now), her needs for sleep and food come before yours. For me, that means that I can't go shopping or out to lunch and expect her to nap in her stroller: At almost four months, she wants to sleep in her crib. And when she's hungry, I breastfeed her. But she doesn't sleep in my bed (I wouldn't be able to sleep), I don't wear her (my bad back would last about 20 minutes), and I'm not her human pacifier (breastfeeding is for food, which means every two to three hours, and not every time she cries).
Giving her what she needs without overindulging or oversacrificing is what makes her a happy baby and me a happy mother.
And that's the best Mother's Day present ever.
Your View Sounds Somewhat Arrogant for a Parent Concerned with Narcissism
Parenting, in the main, comes down to prerogative. If your view is that the failing of attachment parenting comes down only to the lack of research to support it, you won't mind that it is other parents who are potentially losing sleep.
Your feeling that the cost of such a style is eventual narcissism in the children of attachment style parenting, then I must point out that this idea is equally without the research to back it.
Perhaps a potentially valid hypothesis for now is that these children are just as likely to grow up to feel secure in their relationships; to have compassionate, balanced, and nonviolent means of responding to others in times of conflict; and to perhaps feel fairly secure that in times of hunger, the milk, so to speak, is right around the corner. Hardiness is what I'm talking about. Low anxiety. You know, adults who don't freak out because they might not be able to make rent. It's just a thought (not even an opinion, and no research here, obviously).
Social psychology tells us that there's a sort of happy middle ground in parenting. Permissive parenting (trying to be your kid's friend, buying booze for her parties, etc.) results in mostly low self-esteem adults who lack hardiness. Authoritarian parenting (over-the-top, military, punishing style) results in the same. But an authoritative (firm, but loving) style helps kids know boundaries but also know they're loved and that this more often than the other styles produces adults who show hardiness (ability to handle life's ups and downs).
I don't see anything that suggests that attachment style parenting is "indulgent." Breastfeeding is biological. Infants and small children have to sit in public and watch adults eat after all, and that can be an often unpleasant experience. Jamie Lynne Grumet is only doing something women have been doing as long as women have been on the planet. Don't allow the very (relatively) recent cultural white-wash of women's bodies to freak you out.
Loving our children and allowing them to curl up beside us when they are afraid in the middle of the night is one of the best parts of being a parent. My child is a teenager and I miss those times very much.
As parents I feel we should support other parents until they are doing what we absolutely know (as you pointed out) is harmful to their children.
Basically, mind your own kids. That's hard enough.
Yes Judy. Kudos for the
Yes Judy. Kudos for the extremely modest, and non-judgemental rebuke.
Attachment Parenting Good for Some, Not All
We need to be careful about assuming that just because a parenting style is/isn't good for us and our children, that this also applies to other people. While I agree that attachment parenting isn't for everyone, I have seen that it works well for some families. Mine in particular.
My two boys never slept through the night until well past toddlerhood, and attachment parenting helped me to sleep better during those years than I would have otherwise. As for "indulging" my children, anyone who has cared for colicky babies or high-strung toddlers will agree that whatever strategy keeps everyone (mother and child) calmest is best. Attachment parenting got me through those years. Our boys are now healthy and socially well-adjusted, so I am trying to put in the past the negative things that people said to me about co-sleeping and breastfeeding long past the "normal" age during those years.
I think it's important that professionals interacting with mothers of young children look at individual circumstances and family histories before making comments that can cause more harm than good. Attachment parenting is just one option that may work well for some families. Nobody should be shamed for choosing a strategy that works best for them and their children.
Divisive...
This article, and the Times article that it references, seem to have the solitary purpose of dividing up women. Why are we all wasting so much energy telling everyone how to (or how not to) parent their children? As if it's anyone's business anyway.
Now it's all Sharks and Jets - women either defending their choices to breastfeed longer and co-sleep or defending their choice to wean early, sleep in their own beds and return to work. It's not one or the other. It's whatever works for your family. Why isn't Time doing an article celebrating all the different ways we choose to raise our children?
Jean Twenge, PhD - sounds like you're a great mom. Why does it sounds like you're defending your choices? You don't have to. None of us do. Let's just all agree that no matter how we raise our kids, they're all going to be just a little bit messed up, and a little bit amazing....
And while we're at it, let's do away with provocative titles meant to criticize one party or the other- "Are you Mom Enough?" or "...It's the Indulgence."
You're right
I agree with you. I should have been more clear -- there are a variety of ways to parent that can make women happy. That's what I meant -- that we should focus on finding the right balance of the child's and the mother's needs. These can of course differ from one mother to another. Co-sleeping might be right for other moms even though it's not right for me.
I take issue with attachment parenting for the same reason you give: It's often divisive. It's presented as a mandate: Do this or you don't love your kid enough. And, with its emphasis on things that are so demanding to moms, it can sometimes lead to overindulgence. If you co-sleep and toddler breastfeed because you want to, and you set other limits with your kids, more power to you. But too often it becomes about the kid getting everything he/she wants. A lot of kids want to sleep in mommy's bed; a lot fewer moms (and dads) want the kid there.
Attachment parenting is always responsive
Jean M Twenge Ph.D. wrote:I take issue with attachment parenting for the same reason you give...It's presented as a mandate.
I am going to call you out on this. Attachment Parenting is only presented as a mandate in the media or by its critics. The key to Attachment Parenting is responsiveness to the baby cues/needs while respecting the parents abilities/needs. I challenge you to find an Attachment Parenting source that believes otherwise.
Attachment parenting is always responsive
Jean M Twenge Ph.D. wrote:I take issue with attachment parenting for the same reason you give...It's presented as a mandate.
I am going to call you out on this. Attachment Parenting is only presented as a mandate in the media or by its critics. The key to Attachment Parenting is responsiveness to the baby cues/needs while respecting the parents abilities/needs. I challenge you to find an Attachment Parenting source that believes otherwise.
Missed the point
While I agree with you that some people may try to push AP as the way people should parent, I find that to equally be the case with people who are more “Gina ford” in their approach. I think it’s the labelling in the first place that causes division.... but also so does a woman stating it’s “natural” for women to be second class citizens. Why have you internalised that view? Similarly the fact you interpret not doing AP as not loving your kids enough says more about you than the approach.
Perhaps something for your own psychoanalysis rather than projecting?
Co-sleeping/extended breastfeeding=over indulgence & over sacrifice??
The article appears to make co-sleeping or extended breastfeeding synonymous with over-sacrificing or over-indulging. I was not aware there was such a high correlation...
I agree with Diana. As a preschool/infant teacher, I work with a wide range of cultures and families everyday. Besides making sure the children are safe, secure, and provided with educational opportunities to grow socio-emotionally, cognitively and physically, it is also part of my job to make women feel adequate as mothers. To support the family, not throw research at them and show there is only one right way or best way to raise their child. We should not judge a woman for wanting to stop breastfeeding to return to work but neither should we judge a woman for wanting to sleep with her baby. Both of these choices in themselves do not cause harm to a child's well-being. I personally know many mothers who prefer to have their babies sleep with them and do not believe they are "over sacrifcing." In fact, in many cultures around the world, co-sleeping is the norm. We must take into account a families culture, circumstances and surroundings before being so quick to judge. Well adjusted children have come from both sides of the divide!
Thanks for pointing the very
Thanks for pointing the very ethnocentric bias of this controversy. Although I was born and raised in Canada, my family's historical routes have made their nomadic way through a number of continents - starting in Central Asia moving South and then across the Indian Ocean to Zanzibar - and finally to where I emerged in North America. My mother was a stark contradiction - the most nurturing woman you ever met with an infinite amount of love for her two kids as well as a woman who was fiercely independent and wanted to raise her first born daughter without any of the social norms expected of girls (i.e. I ended up as a medical scientist who has no desire to have a child myself and who moves about the world in the same way as my ancestors). Despite this, I am extremely grateful to have experienced a "secure attachment" type of upbringing - with both my parents and luckily my grandparents (many arms and beds to move into for security and comfort). The extended family was an inherent part of my childhood, and my younger brother - being less hearty and secure than myself - had been breast fed for over 3 years. As an immunologist, this as important for emotional well-being as it is for health, development of immunity and natural flora. A link between development of allergies, the gut microbiota and breastfeeding has been established, not surprisingly. So when considering the possibilities, having an overall appreciation of what the biological function of mothering entails as well as the emotional component is important.
easy weaning
Hi Jean,
Your baby is only 4 months old, but maybe you're worried about whether weaning will be difficult. I was a breastfeeding counselor for 10 years, so I hope I can give you some reassurance and suggestions.
If you continue to breastfeed as you are currently--limiting it to a food-providing activity that only takes place every 2 or 3 hours, and perhaps combining breastfeeding with bottlefeeding (either expressed milk or formula), you probably won't have much trouble weaning at the age you prefer.
If, however, you make the transition from breast*feed*ing to *nursing*, as many mothers do, weaning may turn out to be more complicated. In a nursing relationship, breastfeeding becomes much more than a way of delivering nutrients to the baby. It is an important way of sharing love. As Harlow's research showed, loving physical contact is just as important as food.
Now, a mother can give loving physical contact without breastfeeding. But for many breastfeeding mother-baby dyads, the act of breastfeeding becomes a way to soothe a child who is ill, hurt or frightened, and a way for both mother and baby to enjoy love and physical closeness.
When breastfeeding makes this transformation, then weaning often becomes more complicated. The mother needs to substitute other forms of love for nursing, not only other kinds of food. If the mother weans abruptly, the baby will have to mourn not only the loss of breastmilk, but also loss of the love and comfort he/she was deriving from the breastfeeding relationship. So mothers often wean gradually, as they find other ways to satisfy the child's need for comfort and closeness.
Bottom line: If you want to wean early and easily, keep to a businesslike breastfeeding relationship. But if you're okay with a more gradual weaning, then breastfeeding is a very effective, enjoyable way to meet a baby's needs for food and comfort.
Thank you!
Just for background: This my third child. I nursed the other two until they were a year old and plan to do the same this time.
So I'm very pro-breastfeeding (and would be even if I hadn't done it myself, because of the research on its benefits).
And beyond a year, toddler nursing is great. It's preschooler nursing, such as on the Time cover, that many people think is a little weird. If it works for you, cool. But most people are going to think it's strange.
a private activity
"If it works for you, cool. But most people are going to think it's strange."
Most people aren't going to think anything about it, because how would they know? I don't know how the Time photographer duped the mother and child into that appalling, sexualized pose, but it certainly doesn't depict anything typical about nursing older children.
Breastfeeding older children usually becomes a private activity, often limited to bedtimes and naptimes, or reconnecting after mother comes home from work. You might be surprised at how many of your friends are still nursing their preschoolers, because you don't see it happening and it doesn't come up in conversation.
Here's a very nice discussion of this topic from the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine. It's good to be reminded that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding for at least a year, and as long afterward as mutually desired by mother and child, and that the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for 2 years or more.
http://bfmed.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/time-cover-sells-out-moms-to-sell-magazines/
Attachment Parenting Myth
As a child psychologist and a mom, one of the things that is so misleading about attachment parenting is the name. It is only called attachment parenting because of the theory it was based upon. It is not called this because it is the only form of parenting which allows parents to develop a secure attachment relationship with their children. There are numerous ways to develop a secure attachment relationship with our kids. I explore more of this myth here for anyone who is interested:
http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/04/15/what-does-the-mommy-psychologist-have-to-say-about-attachment-parenting/
The idea of attachment parenting vs. the reality of it.
I think your article raises some good points about overindulging a child's every whim. I have seen the parents you speak of and they justify their behavior by calling it attachment parenting.
However, they miss the point. From my recent article on the subject, "Attachment parenting is not only about breastfeeding, co-sleeping and babywearing. It’s about listening to our children and respecting their needs, while at the same time maintaining our position of authority in the household. Our children learn to trust us when we respond quickly and appropriately to their needs, so that when we need them to do something for us, they respond quickly and appropriately as well." http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/05/i-never-set-out-to-be-an-attachment-parent-my-kids-needed-me-to-be-one/
I also wrote a bit on the mommy wars and the TIME cover - http://www.shininglightprenatal.com/2012/05/11/adding-fuel-to-the-mommy-wars-fire-breastfeeding-a-3-yr-old-on-the-cover-of-time-magazine/
There might not be a
There might not be a significant amount of research that supports the idea that attachment parenting leads to narcissistic children but the correlation has to make one wonder. I can certainly think of a few students I had that seemed like dishonest, entitled brats...then I met their parents and the puzzle was solved.
i believe it goes beyond
i believe it goes beyond breast-feeding children who are past a certain age.
i have seen parents pushing children (aged 4 and above) in strollers. strollers (as per my understanding) are intended for infants, or young children. the children i see in these strollers are old enough to walk and even run on their own. yet they sit idle in the stroller as the mom or dad pushes them along.
i believe (and i am no psycologist) that these imbeds traits of laziness in these children. i left my parents home at 16, started my first company at 14; but from the age of 16, i never, even once, asked anything of my parents. it was my belief that my parents purpose was to set a solid foundation; and once such foundation had been established, it was my responsibility to make my own way.
i am uncertain (in psychological terms -- i got my grad degree in electrical engineering) whether this 'over-indulgence' would lead to narcisstic behavior. however, the parents are effectively destroying the child's opportunities for success down the road. when a child does not know how to face and resolve problems on their own, always reverting to mommy and daddy, what will happen when mommy and daddy are not in a position to help?
Still breast feeding at 3 years, co-sleeper and primary income provider
I'm still breast feeding my 3 year old, I work full time and travel globally for periods of usually a week long. Don't deprive your child of the pleasure of breast feeding because of future concerns.... My child is extremely confident and securely attached, and breast feeding is a way of ensuring children have the comfort they need when they need it. It's not the only tool, as a parent the most important factor is to keep the connection to the child so that you can guide them as they grow. You need to listen and respect their needs.
Hmmm
Equating extended breastfeeding and cosleeping with permissiveness, putting your kid on a pedestal, constantly over praising your child, imposing no limits or restrictions, and imposing no discipline in your household is ridiculous. Yes, all of those things probably contribute to narcissism and other bad outcomes, but they are are not remotely the same thing as breastfeeding and cosleeping. In fact, just assuming that people who breastfeed and cosleep do all those things (I am not aware of any evidence that this is the case), and simply equating those things without even questioning that assumption reveals our bizarre cultural bias against breastfeeding and cosleeping. We CHOOSE to automatically equate extended breastfeeding and cosleeping with those other problematic parenting approaches, without any evidence, and we CHOOSE to see breastfeeding as representing this problematic parenting approach, whereas other societies don't. We have just been trained to think about them that way. Think about the unfounded assumptions you are making before writing something so judgmental about parents who have made a different choice than you have.
In fact, I doubt that other
In fact, I doubt that other cultures that do more cosleeping and extended breastfeeding are churning out more narcissists than the United States is right now, so I simply am not aware of any evidence that extended breastfeeding and cosleeping have been correlated with ANY of the negative outcomes that these other negative parenting approaches you mention have been. The evidence just is not there. I just have little patience for people who take such strong judgmental stances on parenting choices with ZERO empirical support for doing so. Parenting is hard enough. And uneducated parents make enough bad decisions that existing research actually DOES speak against, we should focus on educating fellow parents in a loving, helpful way about those things (instead of wasting time coldly judging people for choices we happen to not like when there is not a shred of evidence that demonstrates there is anything wrong with them).
Breastfeeding kids old enough to drink from a cup
This is the mother fulfilling her own needs and not the needs of the child.
I'm sorry but this statement
I'm sorry but this statement is extremely offensive and ignorant. Do you think mothers are forcing their children to breastfeed beyond their will? Let's not forget the unmatched nutritional value, the immunological support and the emotional benefit that breastfed children continue to receive past the age of 1. All which is supported by the American Academy of Pediatrics, World Health Organization, and Le Leche League. In fact, I have never been presented with a single study that concluded extended breastfeeding was harmful. My daughter will be 2 years in a month and if she was ready to quit breastfeeding today I would be 100% supportive of it (it's been a long journey and my breasts are ready to retire when she is). My primary reason for extended breastfeeding is simple, she is not ready to stop. If it was not proven to continue to be beneficial I would gladly discontinue. My daughter drinks from a cup at every meal and also nurses 4 times a day because she wants to, and I want her to have the benefits, not because I make her. Breastfeeding should end when either the mother or child no longer desire to continue. If extended nursing is not for you than you are making the choice that is best for your family. But please do not accuse caring mothers of being selfish because they want to continue to give their child what is proven to be best for them.
Varied needs
I believe what the poster was referring to is the need of the child to ween and become more independent. This is the responsibility of the parent to instill in their children. I'm personally not talking about a 2 or 3 year old here... but 5 or 6 may be putting the child at risk of being too attached and dependent on their mother's breast as "comfort" at a time when social standards strongly discourage this. There are many ways to provide comfort in an age-appropriate way (at 5 or 6, the child is attending school full-time and participating in the world socially without constant intervention by their parents)-- such as verbally, physically through holding, stroking, cuddling or rocking, etc. Sometimes telling a child "no" is what they need-- not to be indulged until they deem that they've had enough. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing at a certain point. This goes with all things--- water, food, relaxation, work. It's not about nutrition here... it's about emotional and psychological development and social norms. Unfortunately we live in a society that sexualizes women's breasts, and that is where this particular social norm of weening a child before a certain age comes from.
this is another badly
this is another badly researched and misleading text about attachment parenting, or as i prefer to call it parenting with respect and normal-term weaning. may be you can start looking at the research McKenna is doing on sleep and co-sleeping, showing the physiological, neurological and emotional benefits for mothers (actually getting more and better quality sleep, confirmed by self-reports and objective measuring brain activity) and babies. you could also read dr Jack Newman on physiology of breastfeeding, normal periods of feeding in babies, importance of the non-nutritional sucking, and babywearing. we know from research that extended periods of crying disrupt the normal brain development, and from basic psychology and all the major psychotherapy theories that narcissism is a state of mind brought about by inability to meet basic need for love and comfort in a small child. speaking as a psychotherapist myself i can confidently say that people with narcissitic trades have almost always had parents who might be otherwise indulgent with them but (because) they were incapable to meet their child's emotional needs.
there is absolutely no evidence that normal-term weaning has any negative effects on the child. it is supported by all major paeditarition organisations, as pointed above, and if you would like to get more information on the research on it, please see A. Sinnott's book "breastfeeding older children"
one last thought - the experience of motherhood was most difficult during the 50's - when women were actively thought and in some cases revented to parent their children in a more natural, close way - this is when practices like feeding by the clock, sleeping in a cot and in a different room, not picking up the child etc started being mainstream. there are harrowing letters of deeply troubled and unhappy women from this period.
to summarise - please do your research and do not equate valid and healthy parenting choices with pathogenic parenting.
human pacifier?
I feel so empathic for your article. It sounds like your parents sacrificed for you. There is no such thing as your baby using you as a human pacifier. Pacifiers were created a few years ago to not have babies suck what they are supposed to suck to feel safely connected. how do you feel about this in your own history? I was breastfed for 8 months and sometimes I feel insecure Im sure I needed more of my mother.
LOVE AND TIME SPENT to satisfy our kids needs is not being PERMISSIVE or SPOILING them! We are talking about primal needs of surviving physically mentally and emotionally
Your article is archaic and very authoritative to babies that are just looking to satisfy their most instinctive mammalian needs.
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As a child of narcissists ...
Your view of the causes of narcissism does not seem to gel with what the latest research suggests. Narcissists are not by extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping. It is more like they are created by parents who leave them spiritually, emotionally and intellectually stunted and hollow. Narcissism is a complex resulting from compensatory behaviors, from childhood. Some of the foulest and most predatory narcissists I know never had a drop of breast milk, in part, because mom really didn't want to bother with it. It is never about the kids anyway, they are simply little dolls whose purpose is to fulfill the parents' hollow (and by that I mean hollow) spaces where their humanity should be. But otherwise great article. Offers valuable insight into narcissism. Priceless, really.
I think it's really worth
I think it's really worth pointing out that the author doesn't seem to understand attachment parenting.
"overindulgent parenting (overpraising, putting the child on a pedestal, permissiveness and little discipline)" are not AP practices at all and are actually highly discouraged and avoided by attachment parents.
true narcissism- low self esteem
If true narcissism is someone who is building themselves into something they are not due to low self worth/esteem then that blows this entire article out of the water.
I do not believe that giving our children everything they want is helpful, I do believe we need to form secure attachments and meet the NEEDS of our children. Security afterall is among Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
To suggest that attachment parenting is not acceptable because it's also natural for babies to die of disease is at best ludicrous. Some parents just are not ready to meet the needs of a child because they have such a clinging to their "sense of self". Ultimately what causes narcissistic children is narcissistic parents. Narcissistic abuse is an evil, evil thing. What we know about abuse is, it is a cycle that continues until someone gets well and breaks it. It certainly isn't caused by attachment parenting. FYI look at the research on cortisol levels in cry it out babies vs. Responsive parenting.
Breastfeeding a 4 y/o is "wierd"?
Not that I have high expectations for a psychology magazine which is far from peer-reviewed, but perhaps it is unwise to comment on a topic about which you are clearly uneducated. Perhaps it is wiser to leave the breastfeeding opinions to the IBCLCs and pediatricians, people who have received specialized training in lactation.
Furthermore, I'm not sure how being responsive to your child's needs is somehow indulgent.
Finally, Western culture is not the end-all, be-all when it comes to best practices for breastfeeding OR parenting. To criticize the rare percentage who follow their instincts instead of the cultural norm is downright unethical - especially when this "wierd" behavior may be some of the only crucial bonding time these children receive in a society that does not support stay-at-home-moms. I'm shocked that someone who had to take physiological psychology and development to earn her degree could write such a biased, uninformed article. The fact that you are teaching new generations leaves me feeling depressed indeed about the state of academia.
Love this article!
Thank you for writing this article. The comments you make should be researched further.
Vitriol
There's a small possibility that those most indignant about this have just the sort of children you warn of, and that's why they are yelling so loudly. We've all been to the rodeo, fellas. There may be some parents who limit themselves to the items that officially constitute attachment parenting; but what are the chances? I look to my own cousins and tell you: attachment parenting may be as beneficial as its most ardent proponents claim, and probably is, but the typical American parent interested in it is also a Brat Breeder. That's the kind of parents it attracts. Who do you all think you're kidding? Are your children "indigos" too?
No vitrol here
I think some of the comments promoting "attachment parenting" are rather thoughtful.
I personally find that style of parenting is wonderful with a "high needs" child. My fourth child fits that description. I have indulged her with baby wearing, nursing on demand, sleeping with me, etc for the first year of her life. She could not tolerate being away from me for any length of time. (Would cry herself to sleep in grandma's arms, wake and cry more for 7 hours, it was awful) If I didn't have a child like this, I would have never believed it possible. My other kids (some grown) were never like this. She has no health issues to cause this. Its just her personality.
I believe taking on this style of parenting was very useful for her. As she matures, she is much more independent and friendly toward others. I'm still nursing her and probably will until she's two. I had planned to nurse for 6 months, but she has always (from birth) refused a bottle.
Kids are all different and I firmly believe giving them what they need as babies makes for more independent, successful adults.
Reply from a Pediatrician
Being a pediatrician running a clinic of well-child visits, I´m very interested on parenting styles and everything revolving around it.. I disagree with your point of view which it seems to be rather personal than professional. For starters, extended breastfeeding is not an exclusive practice for "Attachment parenting" and if it was, this type of parenting is not considered at all INDULGENT. Psicology has studied attachment and it does have serious research, there is even a theory about it (Bowlby´s evolutionary theory of attachment), but I dont think I should be the one giving you this class since you are the psicologist here. On the other hand INDULGENT parenting is the most harmful type and is not recommended for parents, we even call for attention when we see this type of behavior from a parent (I give you examples: a 6 yr old comes to my office and starts yelling and spitting at me, the parent instead of reprimand the kid for his conduct justifies him by telling me a story of a bad encounter with a doctor before, or the mother of a teenager that let him smoke or drink and makes excuses for him), not the mother that wants to fulfill the emotional needs of his child (that´s what moms are meant to be) by breastfeeding beyond 2yrs or that co-sleep because that’s easier for everyone. So this article is not right at all, even though is an opinion it can confuse parents who are looking for advise. It was written several years ago, and It looks like you were the one having frustrations as a mother which I wish you were able to manage (because at the end that’s what we want to function as a family).
Load of BS
After digging through a ton of research and credible literature I'm appalled at how just a load of crap this article is. (The easiest to tackle - advocating NOT breastfeeding on cue, so easily proven to be wrong by even a quick Google search, and there go pretty much all the other arguments of an author.) In addition, the author had numerous fallacies and false arguments in her writing. It's the first time I'm using Psychology Today, and I will never return. This is not a credible source for allowing such publicions.
What do you know..
Im sorry but I feel that mothers who complain about extended breastfeeding obviously never breastfeed.I breastfeed my three year old and she is happy and healthy. Read more on the benifits and you all might change your mind.Its a special beautiful bond and I feel some women are jealous of the bond thats why they scrutinize it. All of you are just voiceing your opinions look to science and you will find that there are many benifits to extended breastfeeding ...Get schooled everyone.Quit hating. No one can destroy my special bond with my baby...
Article has GREAT Points...
While I would say it's safe to say that not every child whose parents practice attachment parenting (defined here as babywearing, nursing on demand, and cosleeping), I have to say that in my experiences in various mom groups, classroom teaching, and within my own family, I have observed that these practices do lead to a sense of overindulgence and narcissism in the children I have observed. I am NOT assuming, of course, that all children raised in this style of parenting turn out that way. However, the behavior of the children whose parents have routinely and adamantly practiced this style of parenting has really been alarming to me, as a former classroom teacher with 12+ years of experience, along with additional years of early childhood teaching.
Some of the behaviors I've observed stem mainly from a lack of boundaries, limits, and inability to delay gratification. Demand feeding from beyond the newborn phase tends to contribute significantly to this, and demand feeding is often encouraged through attachment parenting practices.
Demand feeding later turns into chronic snacking in between meals as kids get older, causing them to consume more junk food (if kept in the house) and potential obesity. My nieces and nephew have always been fed on demand. With the babies, I've noticed that they scream and cry and then only nurse for a few short minutes at a time -- quite exhausting for my sister who also suffers from PPA/PPD! With the toddlers, they scream and cry pretty much over everything unless they get it here and now. With the big kids, they don't scream and cry anymore as long as they have free range over the fridge to pull out ice cream, as well as crackers, chips, and cookies from the pantry. The big kids pretty much eat junk food almost all day long. The oldest three kids have all had cavity problems that are very serious because they eat so much junk. Meanwhile, I'm not sure if they even brush their teeth.
I have also observed an alarming amount of disabilities and cases of ADHD in children whose parents practiced attachment parenting when they were younger. While I doubt the attachment parenting itself causes these conditions, and while there are many, many cases that are legitimately a nature (rather than nurture) situation, I also believe that parenting style can impact a child's ability to learn (former veteran classroom teacher speaking here). Kids with disabilities tend to do so much better when given STRUCTURE and PREDICTABILITY during the day, whether the parents create the structure or the kids have some say in creating the schedule. But without that structure, kids with disabilities tend to become very unfocused and nonproductive. Likewise, another issue I've seen is bedtimes. I used to ask my students about bedtimes when we studied time in math, and the kids who either had no set bedtime or a late bedtime were usually the same ones who talked out of turn, had trouble learning, and had trouble listening; meanwhile, those whose parents enforced an early bedtime of 8-9 PM usually had kids who behaved well and were on the honor roll.
The main theme I see in attachment parenting circles is that it's all the child in control, the child decides when he/she wants to eat, when he/she wants to sleep, how he/she wants to sleep, etc. But the overall methodology is that the child knows best and therefore the child should make all of the decisions. This is just not the case with kids; that's why they have parents in the first place -- to love, nurture, and raise them. To be brutally honest, I have yet to meet one family who solely practiced attachment parenting (vs. borrowing a few of the concepts) and had all of their children turn out to be happy and well adjusted as they grew older. But that is just my observation from what I've seen in my experiences. I'm sure there are examples out there...
So there are many factors that due influence a child that we as parents can establish. And while one single factor probably won't make or break a child, the way in which we raise our kids DOES make a difference.
The happiest children I know are the ones whose parents establish a schedule when they are babies, respect the child's needs for naps and bedtimes in toddlerhood, have discipline of some style, and set limits and boundaries for their kids at all ages.