It’s Not the Breastfeeding That’s Wrong; It’s the Indulgence

I agree with most off your post, but research in Epigenetics has shown that how a child is raised can turn on or turn off certain genes.

Parenting, in the main, comes down to prerogative. If your view is that the failing of attachment parenting comes down only to the lack of research to support it, you won't mind that it is other parents who are potentially losing sleep.

Your feeling that the cost of such a style is eventual narcissism in the children of attachment style parenting, then I must point out that this idea is equally without the research to back it.

Perhaps a potentially valid hypothesis for now is that these children are just as likely to grow up to feel secure in their relationships; to have compassionate, balanced, and nonviolent means of responding to others in times of conflict; and to perhaps feel fairly secure that in times of hunger, the milk, so to speak, is right around the corner. Hardiness is what I'm talking about. Low anxiety. You know, adults who don't freak out because they might not be able to make rent. It's just a thought (not even an opinion, and no research here, obviously).

Social psychology tells us that there's a sort of happy middle ground in parenting. Permissive parenting (trying to be your kid's friend, buying booze for her parties, etc.) results in mostly low self-esteem adults who lack hardiness. Authoritarian parenting (over-the-top, military, punishing style) results in the same. But an authoritative (firm, but loving) style helps kids know boundaries but also know they're loved and that this more often than the other styles produces adults who show hardiness (ability to handle life's ups and downs).

I don't see anything that suggests that attachment style parenting is "indulgent." Breastfeeding is biological. Infants and small children have to sit in public and watch adults eat after all, and that can be an often unpleasant experience. Jamie Lynne Grumet is only doing something women have been doing as long as women have been on the planet. Don't allow the very (relatively) recent cultural white-wash of women's bodies to freak you out.

Loving our children and allowing them to curl up beside us when they are afraid in the middle of the night is one of the best parts of being a parent. My child is a teenager and I miss those times very much.

As parents I feel we should support other parents until they are doing what we absolutely know (as you pointed out) is harmful to their children.

Basically, mind your own kids. That's hard enough.

This article, and the Times article that it references, seem to have the solitary purpose of dividing up women. Why are we all wasting so much energy telling everyone how to (or how not to) parent their children? As if it's anyone's business anyway.

Now it's all Sharks and Jets - women either defending their choices to breastfeed longer and co-sleep or defending their choice to wean early, sleep in their own beds and return to work. It's not one or the other. It's whatever works for your family. Why isn't Time doing an article celebrating all the different ways we choose to raise our children?

Jean Twenge, PhD - sounds like you're a great mom. Why does it sounds like you're defending your choices? You don't have to. None of us do. Let's just all agree that no matter how we raise our kids, they're all going to be just a little bit messed up, and a little bit amazing....

And while we're at it, let's do away with provocative titles meant to criticize one party or the other- "Are you Mom Enough?" or "...It's the Indulgence."

The article appears to make co-sleeping or extended breastfeeding synonymous with over-sacrificing or over-indulging. I was not aware there was such a high correlation...

I agree with Diana. As a preschool/infant teacher, I work with a wide range of cultures and families everyday. Besides making sure the children are safe, secure, and provided with educational opportunities to grow socio-emotionally, cognitively and physically, it is also part of my job to make women feel adequate as mothers. To support the family, not throw research at them and show there is only one right way or best way to raise their child. We should not judge a woman for wanting to stop breastfeeding to return to work but neither should we judge a woman for wanting to sleep with her baby. Both of these choices in themselves do not cause harm to a child's well-being. I personally know many mothers who prefer to have their babies sleep with them and do not believe they are "over sacrifcing." In fact, in many cultures around the world, co-sleeping is the norm. We must take into account a families culture, circumstances and surroundings before being so quick to judge. Well adjusted children have come from both sides of the divide!

Hi Jean,
Your baby is only 4 months old, but maybe you're worried about whether weaning will be difficult. I was a breastfeeding counselor for 10 years, so I hope I can give you some reassurance and suggestions.

If you continue to breastfeed as you are currently--limiting it to a food-providing activity that only takes place every 2 or 3 hours, and perhaps combining breastfeeding with bottlefeeding (either expressed milk or formula), you probably won't have much trouble weaning at the age you prefer.

If, however, you make the transition from breast*feed*ing to *nursing*, as many mothers do, weaning may turn out to be more complicated. In a nursing relationship, breastfeeding becomes much more than a way of delivering nutrients to the baby. It is an important way of sharing love. As Harlow's research showed, loving physical contact is just as important as food.

Now, a mother can give loving physical contact without breastfeeding. But for many breastfeeding mother-baby dyads, the act of breastfeeding becomes a way to soothe a child who is ill, hurt or frightened, and a way for both mother and baby to enjoy love and physical closeness.

When breastfeeding makes this transformation, then weaning often becomes more complicated. The mother needs to substitute other forms of love for nursing, not only other kinds of food. If the mother weans abruptly, the baby will have to mourn not only the loss of breastmilk, but also loss of the love and comfort he/she was deriving from the breastfeeding relationship. So mothers often wean gradually, as they find other ways to satisfy the child's need for comfort and closeness.

Bottom line: If you want to wean early and easily, keep to a businesslike breastfeeding relationship. But if you're okay with a more gradual weaning, then breastfeeding is a very effective, enjoyable way to meet a baby's needs for food and comfort.

As a child psychologist and a mom, one of the things that is so misleading about attachment parenting is the name. It is only called attachment parenting because of the theory it was based upon. It is not called this because it is the only form of parenting which allows parents to develop a secure attachment relationship with their children. There are numerous ways to develop a secure attachment relationship with our kids. I explore more of this myth here for anyone who is interested:
http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/04/15/what-does-the-mommy-psychologist-have-to-say-about-attachment-parenting/

I think your article raises some good points about overindulging a child's every whim. I have seen the parents you speak of and they justify their behavior by calling it attachment parenting.

However, they miss the point. From my recent article on the subject, "Attachment parenting is not only about breastfeeding, co-sleeping and babywearing. It’s about listening to our children and respecting their needs, while at the same time maintaining our position of authority in the household. Our children learn to trust us when we respond quickly and appropriately to their needs, so that when we need them to do something for us, they respond quickly and appropriately as well." http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/05/i-never-set-out-to-be-an-attachment-parent-my-kids-needed-me-to-be-one/

I also wrote a bit on the mommy wars and the TIME cover - http://www.shininglightprenatal.com/2012/05/11/adding-fuel-to-the-mommy-wars-fire-breastfeeding-a-3-yr-old-on-the-cover-of-time-magazine/

There might not be a significant amount of research that supports the idea that attachment parenting leads to narcissistic children but the correlation has to make one wonder. I can certainly think of a few students I had that seemed like dishonest, entitled brats...then I met their parents and the puzzle was solved.

i believe it goes beyond breast-feeding children who are past a certain age.
i have seen parents pushing children (aged 4 and above) in strollers. strollers (as per my understanding) are intended for infants, or young children. the children i see in these strollers are old enough to walk and even run on their own. yet they sit idle in the stroller as the mom or dad pushes them along.
i believe (and i am no psycologist) that these imbeds traits of laziness in these children. i left my parents home at 16, started my first company at 14; but from the age of 16, i never, even once, asked anything of my parents. it was my belief that my parents purpose was to set a solid foundation; and once such foundation had been established, it was my responsibility to make my own way.
i am uncertain (in psychological terms -- i got my grad degree in electrical engineering) whether this 'over-indulgence' would lead to narcisstic behavior. however, the parents are effectively destroying the child's opportunities for success down the road. when a child does not know how to face and resolve problems on their own, always reverting to mommy and daddy, what will happen when mommy and daddy are not in a position to help?

I'm still breast feeding my 3 year old, I work full time and travel globally for periods of usually a week long. Don't deprive your child of the pleasure of breast feeding because of future concerns.... My child is extremely confident and securely attached, and breast feeding is a way of ensuring children have the comfort they need when they need it. It's not the only tool, as a parent the most important factor is to keep the connection to the child so that you can guide them as they grow. You need to listen and respect their needs.

Equating extended breastfeeding and cosleeping with permissiveness, putting your kid on a pedestal, constantly over praising your child, imposing no limits or restrictions, and imposing no discipline in your household is ridiculous. Yes, all of those things probably contribute to narcissism and other bad outcomes, but they are are not remotely the same thing as breastfeeding and cosleeping. In fact, just assuming that people who breastfeed and cosleep do all those things (I am not aware of any evidence that this is the case), and simply equating those things without even questioning that assumption reveals our bizarre cultural bias against breastfeeding and cosleeping. We CHOOSE to automatically equate extended breastfeeding and cosleeping with those other problematic parenting approaches, without any evidence, and we CHOOSE to see breastfeeding as representing this problematic parenting approach, whereas other societies don't. We have just been trained to think about them that way. Think about the unfounded assumptions you are making before writing something so judgmental about parents who have made a different choice than you have.

This is the mother fulfilling her own needs and not the needs of the child.

this is another badly researched and misleading text about attachment parenting, or as i prefer to call it parenting with respect and normal-term weaning. may be you can start looking at the research McKenna is doing on sleep and co-sleeping, showing the physiological, neurological and emotional benefits for mothers (actually getting more and better quality sleep, confirmed by self-reports and objective measuring brain activity) and babies. you could also read dr Jack Newman on physiology of breastfeeding, normal periods of feeding in babies, importance of the non-nutritional sucking, and babywearing. we know from research that extended periods of crying disrupt the normal brain development, and from basic psychology and all the major psychotherapy theories that narcissism is a state of mind brought about by inability to meet basic need for love and comfort in a small child. speaking as a psychotherapist myself i can confidently say that people with narcissitic trades have almost always had parents who might be otherwise indulgent with them but (because) they were incapable to meet their child's emotional needs.
there is absolutely no evidence that normal-term weaning has any negative effects on the child. it is supported by all major paeditarition organisations, as pointed above, and if you would like to get more information on the research on it, please see A. Sinnott's book "breastfeeding older children"

one last thought - the experience of motherhood was most difficult during the 50's - when women were actively thought and in some cases revented to parent their children in a more natural, close way - this is when practices like feeding by the clock, sleeping in a cot and in a different room, not picking up the child etc started being mainstream. there are harrowing letters of deeply troubled and unhappy women from this period.

to summarise - please do your research and do not equate valid and healthy parenting choices with pathogenic parenting.

I feel so empathic for your article. It sounds like your parents sacrificed for you. There is no such thing as your baby using you as a human pacifier. Pacifiers were created a few years ago to not have babies suck what they are supposed to suck to feel safely connected. how do you feel about this in your own history? I was breastfed for 8 months and sometimes I feel insecure Im sure I needed more of my mother.
LOVE AND TIME SPENT to satisfy our kids needs is not being PERMISSIVE or SPOILING them! We are talking about primal needs of surviving physically mentally and emotionally
Your article is archaic and very authoritative to babies that are just looking to satisfy their most instinctive mammalian needs.

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Your view of the causes of narcissism does not seem to gel with what the latest research suggests. Narcissists are not by extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping. It is more like they are created by parents who leave them spiritually, emotionally and intellectually stunted and hollow. Narcissism is a complex resulting from compensatory behaviors, from childhood. Some of the foulest and most predatory narcissists I know never had a drop of breast milk, in part, because mom really didn't want to bother with it. It is never about the kids anyway, they are simply little dolls whose purpose is to fulfill the parents' hollow (and by that I mean hollow) spaces where their humanity should be. But otherwise great article. Offers valuable insight into narcissism. Priceless, really.

I think it's really worth pointing out that the author doesn't seem to understand attachment parenting.
"overindulgent parenting (overpraising, putting the child on a pedestal, permissiveness and little discipline)" are not AP practices at all and are actually highly discouraged and avoided by attachment parents.

If true narcissism is someone who is building themselves into something they are not due to low self worth/esteem then that blows this entire article out of the water.

I do not believe that giving our children everything they want is helpful, I do believe we need to form secure attachments and meet the NEEDS of our children. Security afterall is among Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

To suggest that attachment parenting is not acceptable because it's also natural for babies to die of disease is at best ludicrous. Some parents just are not ready to meet the needs of a child because they have such a clinging to their "sense of self". Ultimately what causes narcissistic children is narcissistic parents. Narcissistic abuse is an evil, evil thing. What we know about abuse is, it is a cycle that continues until someone gets well and breaks it. It certainly isn't caused by attachment parenting. FYI look at the research on cortisol levels in cry it out babies vs. Responsive parenting.

Not that I have high expectations for a psychology magazine which is far from peer-reviewed, but perhaps it is unwise to comment on a topic about which you are clearly uneducated. Perhaps it is wiser to leave the breastfeeding opinions to the IBCLCs and pediatricians, people who have received specialized training in lactation.

Furthermore, I'm not sure how being responsive to your child's needs is somehow indulgent.

Finally, Western culture is not the end-all, be-all when it comes to best practices for breastfeeding OR parenting. To criticize the rare percentage who follow their instincts instead of the cultural norm is downright unethical - especially when this "wierd" behavior may be some of the only crucial bonding time these children receive in a society that does not support stay-at-home-moms. I'm shocked that someone who had to take physiological psychology and development to earn her degree could write such a biased, uninformed article. The fact that you are teaching new generations leaves me feeling depressed indeed about the state of academia.

Thank you for writing this article. The comments you make should be researched further.

There's a small possibility that those most indignant about this have just the sort of children you warn of, and that's why they are yelling so loudly. We've all been to the rodeo, fellas. There may be some parents who limit themselves to the items that officially constitute attachment parenting; but what are the chances? I look to my own cousins and tell you: attachment parenting may be as beneficial as its most ardent proponents claim, and probably is, but the typical American parent interested in it is also a Brat Breeder. That's the kind of parents it attracts. Who do you all think you're kidding? Are your children "indigos" too?

I think some of the comments promoting "attachment parenting" are rather thoughtful.
I personally find that style of parenting is wonderful with a "high needs" child. My fourth child fits that description. I have indulged her with baby wearing, nursing on demand, sleeping with me, etc for the first year of her life. She could not tolerate being away from me for any length of time. (Would cry herself to sleep in grandma's arms, wake and cry more for 7 hours, it was awful) If I didn't have a child like this, I would have never believed it possible. My other kids (some grown) were never like this. She has no health issues to cause this. Its just her personality.
I believe taking on this style of parenting was very useful for her. As she matures, she is much more independent and friendly toward others. I'm still nursing her and probably will until she's two. I had planned to nurse for 6 months, but she has always (from birth) refused a bottle.
Kids are all different and I firmly believe giving them what they need as babies makes for more independent, successful adults.

Being a pediatrician running a clinic of well-child visits, I´m very interested on parenting styles and everything revolving around it.. I disagree with your point of view which it seems to be rather personal than professional. For starters, extended breastfeeding is not an exclusive practice for "Attachment parenting" and if it was, this type of parenting is not considered at all INDULGENT. Psicology has studied attachment and it does have serious research, there is even a theory about it (Bowlby´s evolutionary theory of attachment), but I dont think I should be the one giving you this class since you are the psicologist here. On the other hand INDULGENT parenting is the most harmful type and is not recommended for parents, we even call for attention when we see this type of behavior from a parent (I give you examples: a 6 yr old comes to my office and starts yelling and spitting at me, the parent instead of reprimand the kid for his conduct justifies him by telling me a story of a bad encounter with a doctor before, or the mother of a teenager that let him smoke or drink and makes excuses for him), not the mother that wants to fulfill the emotional needs of his child (that´s what moms are meant to be) by breastfeeding beyond 2yrs or that co-sleep because that’s easier for everyone. So this article is not right at all, even though is an opinion it can confuse parents who are looking for advise. It was written several years ago, and It looks like you were the one having frustrations as a mother which I wish you were able to manage (because at the end that’s what we want to function as a family).

After digging through a ton of research and credible literature I'm appalled at how just a load of crap this article is. (The easiest to tackle - advocating NOT breastfeeding on cue, so easily proven to be wrong by even a quick Google search, and there go pretty much all the other arguments of an author.) In addition, the author had numerous fallacies and false arguments in her writing. It's the first time I'm using Psychology Today, and I will never return. This is not a credible source for allowing such publicions.

Im sorry but I feel that mothers who complain about extended breastfeeding obviously never breastfeed.I breastfeed my three year old and she is happy and healthy. Read more on the benifits and you all might change your mind.Its a special beautiful bond and I feel some women are jealous of the bond thats why they scrutinize it. All of you are just voiceing your opinions look to science and you will find that there are many benifits to extended breastfeeding ...Get schooled everyone.Quit hating. No one can destroy my special bond with my baby...

While I would say it's safe to say that not every child whose parents practice attachment parenting (defined here as babywearing, nursing on demand, and cosleeping), I have to say that in my experiences in various mom groups, classroom teaching, and within my own family, I have observed that these practices do lead to a sense of overindulgence and narcissism in the children I have observed. I am NOT assuming, of course, that all children raised in this style of parenting turn out that way. However, the behavior of the children whose parents have routinely and adamantly practiced this style of parenting has really been alarming to me, as a former classroom teacher with 12+ years of experience, along with additional years of early childhood teaching.

Some of the behaviors I've observed stem mainly from a lack of boundaries, limits, and inability to delay gratification. Demand feeding from beyond the newborn phase tends to contribute significantly to this, and demand feeding is often encouraged through attachment parenting practices.

Demand feeding later turns into chronic snacking in between meals as kids get older, causing them to consume more junk food (if kept in the house) and potential obesity. My nieces and nephew have always been fed on demand. With the babies, I've noticed that they scream and cry and then only nurse for a few short minutes at a time -- quite exhausting for my sister who also suffers from PPA/PPD! With the toddlers, they scream and cry pretty much over everything unless they get it here and now. With the big kids, they don't scream and cry anymore as long as they have free range over the fridge to pull out ice cream, as well as crackers, chips, and cookies from the pantry. The big kids pretty much eat junk food almost all day long. The oldest three kids have all had cavity problems that are very serious because they eat so much junk. Meanwhile, I'm not sure if they even brush their teeth.

I have also observed an alarming amount of disabilities and cases of ADHD in children whose parents practiced attachment parenting when they were younger. While I doubt the attachment parenting itself causes these conditions, and while there are many, many cases that are legitimately a nature (rather than nurture) situation, I also believe that parenting style can impact a child's ability to learn (former veteran classroom teacher speaking here). Kids with disabilities tend to do so much better when given STRUCTURE and PREDICTABILITY during the day, whether the parents create the structure or the kids have some say in creating the schedule. But without that structure, kids with disabilities tend to become very unfocused and nonproductive. Likewise, another issue I've seen is bedtimes. I used to ask my students about bedtimes when we studied time in math, and the kids who either had no set bedtime or a late bedtime were usually the same ones who talked out of turn, had trouble learning, and had trouble listening; meanwhile, those whose parents enforced an early bedtime of 8-9 PM usually had kids who behaved well and were on the honor roll.

The main theme I see in attachment parenting circles is that it's all the child in control, the child decides when he/she wants to eat, when he/she wants to sleep, how he/she wants to sleep, etc. But the overall methodology is that the child knows best and therefore the child should make all of the decisions. This is just not the case with kids; that's why they have parents in the first place -- to love, nurture, and raise them. To be brutally honest, I have yet to meet one family who solely practiced attachment parenting (vs. borrowing a few of the concepts) and had all of their children turn out to be happy and well adjusted as they grew older. But that is just my observation from what I've seen in my experiences. I'm sure there are examples out there...

So there are many factors that due influence a child that we as parents can establish. And while one single factor probably won't make or break a child, the way in which we raise our kids DOES make a difference.

The happiest children I know are the ones whose parents establish a schedule when they are babies, respect the child's needs for naps and bedtimes in toddlerhood, have discipline of some style, and set limits and boundaries for their kids at all ages.