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On August 9th, a female passenger hit JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater in the head with an overhead compartment door, then instead of apologizing, cursed Slater out. Slater used the plane's PA system to curse back at the woman, popped the emergency slide, grabbed a few beers, and walked (actually, slid) off the job. For some people, Slater is a hero for doing what many of us imagine doing but don't act on. For others, he is culpable for exactly the same reason.
We've all been in a situation with a rude person we wish we could tell off. Would it feel good to let it rip? Maybe. But JetBlue is pressing criminal charges, and whether or not he goes to jail, Slater may face fines and difficulty getting a new job. Even if you see Slater as a role model who quit with style—and the passenger as the real criminal—there may be times when you would rather not explode. Here are three tips for keeping your cool:
1. Own it. First, recognize that stress doesn't come from what's going on in your life. It comes from your thoughts about what's going on in your life. So when something bothers you, look for the thought running through your head, such as, "The customer should apologize to me." Though it may sound odd, that's where your stress is coming from—that thought, not the customer. The proof for this is that other people experience the same situation, but not the same level of stress, because their thoughts are different. So first, own that regardless of what is happening externally, your emotions are produced by your own thinking.
2. Challenge it. Once you've identified your stress-producing belief, if you want to defuse it, ask yourself, "How could it be false?" Can you think of any reasons why the customer should not apologize to you? Maybe she feels that being a paying customer excuses her behavior. Maybe she didn't mean to hit you, and is too uncomfortable and embarrassed with what happened to say anything. Maybe your reactions put her on the spot and she's being defensive. This isn't about justification—it's about seeing the world honestly. If you want to blow up with anger, keep thinking the way you think. But if you want to stay cool, you need to look at the flipside of your belief and deflate your emotions. Coming up with ways that your charged beliefs may be false is the fastest way to do this.
3. Broaden it. Beyond the acute situation, most of us tend to have other stressful beliefs in our lives (about relationships, money, etc.). This pushes us to our stress threshold. Slater's mother, for example, is supposedly dying of cancer, and Slater may have been redlining before the passenger ever said a word. If you want to stay cool, identify the other areas in your life pushing you toward your stress threshold and take care of them. You can use the same technique above, finding your charged beliefs and challenging them (though, admittedly, for a topic like cancer it will be harder). That way, you'll have more headroom so that when acute situations do arise, they don't push you over the edge.
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Andrew Bernstein is the author of The Myth of Stress: Where Stress Really Comes From and How to Live a Happier and Healthier Life, and the founder of ActivInsight, a 7-step process that transforms any challenging situation. You can find him on Facebook and Twitter.
