How to Best Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Our culture has never been comfortable with death. When someone close to us has a parent, sibling, or child die, we often don’t know what to say, let alone how to provide comfort and support. It’s hard to witness their pain, and we naturally want to help take their pain away. We generally say "Sorry for your loss," but those words can feel so empty. This post will provide readers with some ideas on what to say and not to say, along with some ideas on how to best comfort and support people who are grieving. Let’s first examine some of the grief concepts.

• Loss is the experience of losing someone, whether the relationship was close or complicated. Over a lifetime, loss is inevitable.
• Grief is the personal response to that loss. While grief is often emotional, it can also be physical, spiritual, cognitive, and social. No two people grieve in the same way.
• Bereavement refers to the intense period of grief following a death. During this time, people may feel shocked, disoriented, and overwhelmed. Concentration, sleep, appetite, work, and school functioning can all be disrupted. Children may struggle academically or express grief through behavior.
• Mourning is how grief is expressed and processed, often shaped by family traditions, religious beliefs, and cultural practices. Contrary to popular belief, mourning does not follow a fixed timeline. While grief changes over time, it does not simply “end” after a year.

What to Say—and What Not to Say

“It’s better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” –Mahatma Gandhi

In my more than 35 years as a clinical social worker, I am frequently asked: What should I say to someone who is grieving? The discomfort many people feel around death often leads to well-meaning but unhelpful comments. Small shifts in language can make a meaningful difference.

Avoid: “How are you doing?”

Instead: “I wanted to check in and see how today is going.” (This acknowledges that grief changes from day to day.)

Avoid: “You’re so strong.”

Instead: “I want you to know I’m here for you.” (Many grieving people feel they have no choice but to cope.)

Avoid: “I understand how you feel.”

Instead: “I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk.” (Listening is often the greatest gift.)

Avoid: “Let me know if you need anything.”

Instead: “I’m going to the grocery store—can I pick something up for you?”

Avoid: “You can have another child” or “You have other children.”

Instead: “The loss of a child is heartbreaking and unimaginably difficult.”

Avoid: “Everything happens for a reason.”

Instead: “There are no easy answers after a sudden or tragic loss.”

Avoid: “You have to be strong” or “Tough it out.”

Instead: “It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to be sad.”

Avoid: “At least they lived a long life.”

Instead: “Loss is painful, no matter the age.”

Avoid: “You’re better off—your marriage was terrible.”

Instead: “Grief can be complicated when the relationship was difficult.”

Avoid: “God needed them” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

Instead: “I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers.”

Ways to Support Someone After a Death

“When we lift others up, they lift us up too.” –Melinda Gates

• Send or prepare a meal instead of flowers.
• Spend quiet, unhurried time together.
• Offer gift cards for food or household needs.
• Help with errands, childcare, or pets.
• Check in regularly—especially after the initial weeks.
• Share memories and speak the loved one’s name.

Be a Grief Supporter

A grieving heart is fragile.

Show compassion through presence, not pressure. Listen more than you speak. Leave a brief message to say you are thinking of them. Remember that grief is lifelong and can resurface unexpectedly—especially on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Supporting someone who is grieving may feel uncomfortable and may stir your own fears or past losses. That discomfort is normal. When appropriate, help connect the bereaved with additional support by researching resources or assisting with phone calls.

Bottom line: The most powerful way to support someone who is grieving is to stay present, honor their experience, and reassure them that they are not alone.