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Many couples reach out to a therapist long after they become aware that their problems require professional attention. John Gottman, a top researcher in the field of couple relationships, provides evidence that couples wait an average of six years from the time they recognize a need for couple therapy to the time they arrange their first appointment.
Six years of stewing in difficulties severe enough to warrant professional intervention creates an overwhelming sense of "stuckness." By the time they begin work with a therapist, most anticipate disappointment, disillusionment, and defensiveness. Pessimism about their future together has become a bad habit.
After waiting so long to seek out therapy, couples are prone to reading cynicism and sarcasm into each other's words. Smiles get misread as smirks, and conversational silences become misinterpreted as criticism or rejection. There is no middle ground. Neither partner gets the benefit of a doubt. As partners jump to conclusions, negativity casts a shadow that makes goodwill scarce.
And yet, a sub-group of these couples manage to hold out hope for a future together. They believe, despite all the negativity, that they are with "the right one." The problem, as they see it, is that their patterns of communication have grown so knotted, twisted, and gnarled that they can't see the forest for the trees. They've lost the big picture—they've lost sight of what they mean to one another.
These partners seek a make-over. They can neither continue as they've been going—that's untenable. Yet giving up is equally unacceptable. The couple is unable to imagine how they can improve, yet they cannot accept that improvement is impossible. They are unsure about whether they want help getting unstuck or to simply be given permission by a professional to cut bait and release themselves from further misery.
When things have unraveled to this extent, I often encourage couples to mourn the loss of the relationship they have known. Acknowledgment that what they have had together is unsustainable can be temporarily deflating and ultimately liberating. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of their unhappiness, willingness to declare a new and distinct phase in their life together communicates readiness for healing.
This New Beginning, an essential phase in the healing process, prompts this question: "What can we expect to accomplish, other than mourning the loss of the Old Way, in this New Beginning?" It is a fair and necessary question that signals engagement in the process of restoring connection and health to the relationship. The answer is that couples learn to deliver emotional nutrition to one another. The heart, substance, and soul of the makeover are poised to evolve.
Here are 16 tips that describe guidelines for success in the New Beginning phase of couple therapy:
- Partners prioritize healing over retribution.
- They give up trying to prove that their understanding of how the relationship works is "right" in such a way that makes their partner's way of seeing things "wrong."
- They demonstrate a commitment to helping their partner feel heard.
- They seek out and comment on what they agree with, in an attempt to solidify points of connection with their partner. When they agree with one or more aspects of what is said and disagree with other elements, they prioritize addressing and establishing points of agreement.
- Once partners establish points of agreement, they refer to them as exemplars for further conversation.
- They consciously solicit understanding of how their partner feels and demonstrate patience in listening to their partner's responses.
- They actively reflect on whether they have grasped what their partner wished to convey through what they've said or done.
- They commit themselves to exploratory conversations with their partner so that jumping to conclusions or making assumptions is minimized.
- They increase the ratio of positive to negative comments to/about their partner and monitor their progress in doing so. How? Journal, sticky notes, notes on a cell phone, setting a reminder beep for daily reflection, and accounting of progress.
- They demonstrate conscious control over their anger and establish credibility in being able to control destructive outbursts.
- They consciously solicit understanding of how their partner feels and demonstrate patience in listening to the response.
- They do not shame, scold, criticize, or blame their partner, when disagreement, conflict, or confusion arises.
- They demonstrate a willingness to knowing and being known by their partner.
- They demonstrate devotion to understanding what emotional nutrition entails and to deliver effective doses to their partner
- They model openness to helping their partner provide emotional nutrients to them.
- They use their partner's complaints to further healing. They commit to responding non-defensively to complaints.
The New Beginning, for some, is the most crucial phase in couple therapy.
Some other vital elements and phases contribute to healing and renewal in couple therapy. In upcoming articles here, I will be discussing:
- Creating a Personal Agenda for Change
- Addressing Deficiencies and Imbalances in Emotional Nutrition
- Clearing Toxic Elements in the Relationship
- Resolving Unfinished Business
- Learning Three-Dimensional Communication Patterns
I welcome your comments, questions, reactions—pro or con—to these ideas.
