Infidelity
Men’s Infidelity Support Group
Sharing in group helps work through the pain
Posted October 5, 2016
After running a weekly women’s infidelity support group for six months with women whose partners had cheated on them, I thought I could learn from and possibly help men who had themselves been unfaithful.
So, for the last three months, I have been meeting weekly with a group of men ranging in age from 24 to 76. The findings from the group were a bit surprising at first, but I have come to understand why these men were willing to take responsibility for their actions: They want their relationships to survive and they were willing do almost anything to make up for the pain they caused.
Adam, a 76-year-old architect, said,
“I’m ready to take whatever my wife puts out there and hope that one day I will be forgiven. I realize that my marriage will never be the same, but I don’t want it to be. We never were honest with each other—I mean, that we never really said what was on our minds. Now we have nothing to lose. I think we will come out of this stronger.“
Adam also goes to individual therapy, AA, and couples therapy. He has learned a lot about himself and why he had affairs for most of his 45-year marriage. He recently stopped drinking alcohol and is learning to ask for what he needs.
Denny, a 43-year old biologist, has been married for 14 years. He and his wife Lisa have no children and have led parallel lives, growing steadily further apart. Lisa thought Denny was rarely around due to his overwhelming professional obligations. But then she found out about his affair. Since discovering his deceit 11 months ago, she has gone into a deep depression. She lost her part-time job and started taking antidepressants. Denny is committed to making his marriage better and, like Adam, has sought various other therapeutic options to try to get a grip on how and why he damaged his relationship with Lisa. He has gone on weekend retreats with her but continues to feel pessimistic about ever being forgiven.
When I first met Larry, a 24-year old grad student, he stated, “My life is ruined. I never appreciated her when I had the chance. Now she won’t see me and I have nothing to live for.” After several weeks of intensive individual treatment, he agreed to start seeing friends again. Today, he looks into the future with hope.
The newest group member is Thomas, a 38-year old chef. He is the only one whose partner, Sara, does not know about his infidelity. He was a self-declared serial monogamist until he met a friend of an ex-girlfriend at his restaurant. Thomas has been living with Sara for nine years and had wondered what an affair would feel like. He commented, “It seemed like everyone around me was having them except me.” After his one-time encounter, guilt and remorse immediately set in. Seven months later, he has trouble staying asleep at night and is lethargic during the day. He and Sara have not had sex since he cheated because, he says, he is afraid of “infecting” her. “I could not forgive myself if that happened,” he told the group.
The group listened quietly as Thomas told his story. At first they told him that they wished they could be in his shoes and that he was lucky Sara hadn’t found out about his infidelity. Then the reality of his pain reached them. They concluded that there was actually nothing enviable about his situation. He, like them, was suffering.
Part of the work we do in the group involves addressing questions such as, “Why do we do what we do?" and "What motivates us?” It has helped the men become more reflective and alleviated some of their confusion. They reassured Thomas that if he continued to come to the group, he would start feeling better. Conversation sometimes centers on family-of-origin issues as the men get to know one another better.
After a six-month separation, Adam and his wife are living together again. They attend couples therapy. Adam is hopeful that they will make it. Denny hopes that Lisa will become involved in her own individual therapy. Without that, he feels hopeless about healing the rift between them.
The repercussions of an affair can be devastating, no matter how much time a couple has been together. Emotional pain cuts through time and trust. For those who are patient and can work through the heartbreak, it’s possible to come out the other side with more awareness and even, in some situations, with greater security than ever.
[Note: Names and significant details have been altered to protect confidentiality. Any resemblance to actual people depicted here is purely coincidental.]
- Feel free to comment, question and share on social media.
- Want to know more about creating emotional safety in a relationship that is just beginning? Click here.
- If you or your partner is prone to explosive anger outbursts, click here.
- Three-dimensional communication brings couples closer. Click here to learn more about it.
Guest blogger: Myrna Reisman-Moreno, LMHC
