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Adrienne Glasser, LCSW, RDMT, is the author of this guest post. She is a member of the faculty of FACTS (the Family and Couples Treatment Service) and is a certified practitioner of IFS and Mindfulness. She writes:
We are convinced. It’s their fault. If only they could get their act together, listen better, love more, be more, do more, then we would be okay. Most of us are compelled by a part of us that is convinced the solution to our problem lies within another person. It’s a belief that simplifies the situation in a way that feels more manageable than looking at ourselves. Looking inside at ourselves usually feel much less comfortable, but it remains the only true solution.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model developed by Richard Schwartz is an incredibly effective tool for couples to see more clearly the communication patterns that are not working, and allows them to become curious (a start towards compassion) about more effective patterns. This model can also be used with family communication patterns as well. Below are steps influenced by both Schwartz and Toni Herbine-Blank, a master therapist who trains other therapists to use IFS with couples.
1. Communication Patterns and Parts
In the first phase of helping a couple through IFS, it is helpful to talk about how common defenses can be seen as “parts” of us. Each part can be thought of as a sub-personality and each has a mission: to protect itself and promote safety in the whole of the person. The problem is that the parts can misinterpret, or misunderstand what will actually create safety within the self. So, they may act with the intention of protecting us but actually serve to make connection with others more difficult. The problem with defenses is that, in doing their job, they tend to separate us from others. Trying to communicate from a defensive, protective part creates distance from others. To reduce this distance, one should attempt to understand and empathize with the function of the protective “part” by getting to know its true intention. Think of this as self-compassion.
To explore the protective agenda of a part, one should ask it: “What would you be concerned about if you didn’t do what you usually do?” For example, if a part exerts energy to have you avoid confronting a feeling that you are experiencing, you can ask, “What would it be like if, instead of avoiding the experience of this feeling, we tried to examine it, understand it better, feel it?”
Tracking the communication patterns of protective parts like this helps couples empathize and see that their defensive communication is understandable, given what they want to change. This opens the door to more effective ways of solving the underlying conflict.
Another example, John gets angry with Ellie whenever she brings up the topic of moving to a larger apartment. His anger is a knee-jerk response and, in the end, stifles conversation about what Ellie feels about their situation. Instead of getting angry, if he could examine that part—the angry part—have a dialogue with it if you will—he might be able to tone down his anger, discuss Ellie’s hopes for the future calmly and, at the very least, help her to feel heard and understood. This would open up their dialogue, encourage curiosity. John's ability to tone down his angry part would make room for Ellie to feel her voice and interests were respected of interest; even if John did not share identical goals of feelings on a specific issue.
2. Being A Parts Detector Collaboratively
Both the couple and the person helping the couple to communicate can discuss how they are collaborating to help all the parts within each partner in the couple. It’s important that each partner feels an equal amount of attention is paid to them and that all their parts are welcome in the relationship. By discussing this partnership, a collective curiosity about protective parts can take place, and the helping professional can help identify these parts in a way that feels supportive.
3. Speaking and Listening
Couples should be encouraged to take turns speaking and listening. While the listening partner is listening, they can also attend to the protective parts of themselves that may make it difficult to hear their partner. They can listen to themselves as they listen to their partner! When the partners speak to each other, they can be encouraged to speak for the protective parts of themselves rather than from within the part of them that is doing the protecting.
4. Doing a U-Turn
It’s important not to shame the protective parts for defending, however there are huge opportunities for decreased reactivity and true empowerment of the “Self” as awareness grows. This internal focus allows for insight into the vulnerability underneath the protection. In other words, what is being defended against can be revealed. This pause allows for couples to have increased differentiation between reactive parts and their true self, increasing compassion and empathy in communication. This U-Turn encourages couple to focus internally on themselves (on body sensation, emotion and “parts”), rather than their partner. With this maneuver, internal harmony, as well as a more secure attachment, is promoted.
5. Returning To Your Partner With Compassion
Once this U-Turn has happened, partners and families can then come back to each other with more openness. By teaching couples to distinguish between the times when they are in their true self and when they are merged with protective parts of themselves, more empathy and compassion can enter their dynamic and the need to blame is diminished.
I have seen couples and families increase their compassion for themselves and each other by striving for this kind of parts awareness,. This compassion and alignment with the true self allows for better communication in even the most complex communication patterns.
Questions or comments on this post are welcome.
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