Caring for an Aging Parent Who Parentified You

Source: AndPan614 / Pixabay

As our parents age, they will likely rely on us more. Tasks like taking care of chores around the house, driving, or cooking may become harder as their bodies slow down and they become less mobile. They will understandably have feelings about this and so will we. It is hard to feel your own body deteriorating much less to watch this process occur in someone you care about.

If you are watching this process happen with a parent who parentified you, you might be feeling some ambivalence. On the one hand, you can have empathy for your parent who is going through this process. On the other hand, you are likely psychologically exhausted from years of being the emotional caretaker for your parent, and part of you is just…done. How can you navigate your relationship with your aging parent who parentified you and still maintain your sanity?

The Challenges of Caregiving

Aging can often feel like a second childhood, fraught with the similar dependencies we had as children. Add to all this the lack of a stable social safety net that includes universal care for children and the elderly and much of this care ends up taking place within the family. The reality is, many of us will end up in a position to be providing care for our parents, especially women. In fact, global estimates of caregiving indicate that up to 81% of people who care for the elderly are women¹. One could reasonably assume that all of these caregiving relationships are not necessarily healthy ones. For example, adults who were abused as children by their parents, rather than cut off those relationships, often end up maintaining their ties with their parents, even taking on caregiving responsibilities as those parents age.² This has detrimental effects on the mental health of these parent caregivers, including higher levels of depression, and lower levels of self-esteem and life satisfaction as compared with caregivers who didn’t experience abuse from their parents as children.² You may be thinking, ‘Well, my parent wasn’t that bad’. While everyone’s experiences with their parents may be different, keep in mind that parentification is considered a form of childhood maltreatment.³

Tips to Maintain Boundaries, Balance and a Sense of Peace

If you find yourself in one of these caregiving situations with your parentifying parent, here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

You are an adult now. This means that you don’t have to do anything that feels uncomfortable or that you don’t want to do. This seems obvious, but when we get around our parents, even those of us with healthy relationships can often revert back to feeling like children. If you were parentified as a child, you may be used to feeling like you don't have the option to say ‘no’ to something. If you find yourself in a caregiving role for a parent who parentified you, this is a reminder that you are old enough and in control enough as an adult to walk away if you need to. Use decisive language when explaining this, such as ‘I will not continue to help provide care for you if you continue to treat me this way’.

2. Self-care is not selfish or a ‘luxury’.

Listening to your body and your mind when they tell you to rest, to not overschedule yourself, or to take breaks when you need to is not selfish, it’s how emotionally healthy people take care of themselves. Taking time away from caring for your parent is not only ok but also essential in managing the relationship. Announce caregiving ‘breaks’ by saying something like ‘Tomorrow I will be unavailable. You can reach me again the following day if you need something’.

3. Become a detached observer.

You can interact with your parent without reacting to your parent. By observing what your parent is saying from the perspective of someone who is apart from the situation, you can develop the skills to say things like ‘That sounds hard’ or ‘I wonder what you might be able to do about that’ rather than feeling like you have to jump in and ‘fix’, a standard reaction if you've been parentified as a child. Responding in this observational mode can be an especially helpful strategy for dealing with a parent who requires constant emotional caretaking, as this is sometimes more draining than having to help with a parent’s physical needs.

If caring for a parent like this becomes too much, know that you can step back and reach out for help. Many local agencies, including hospitals and community centers, have caregiver support groups. Don’t struggle alone.