The Power of Friendships and Feeling That We Matter

A few months ago, I traveled back home and met my childhood friends. It was heartwarming to meet the people who knew me before adult responsibilities and life’s complexities began to take shape. On many an occasion, we slipped easily into old rhythms of conversation and laughter. Something is grounding about being with people who remember earlier versions of you and hold pieces of your story you may have forgotten.

Recently, my friends in my life have stood by me through some challenging times. They have shown up with a steadiness that feels more like sisterhood than friendship—checking in, listening, offering encouragement, and reminding me that I am not alone. These experiences have shown me how closely friendship is tied to one of our basic needs: feeling that we matter.

Friendship Is Where We Feel Valued

Psychologists describe mattering as feeling valued by others and knowing we add value in return. Research shows that feeling important to others is linked to greater well-being, resilience, and life satisfaction, and helps explain why close friendships are so strongly connected to happiness. Friendships help us feel seen and understood—not just because we spend time together. When a friend notices something is wrong, remembers what is important to us, or listens to us vent, they show us more than just care. They show us that we matter to them.

Friendship Is Where We Add Value

Mattering is not just about getting care; it is also about making a real difference in others’ lives.

We celebrate each other’s wins, offer encouragement during hard times, and sometimes simply sit together in silence.

Research suggests that mattering operates in a loop: when we feel valued, we want to give back, and when we contribute, we feel even more valued.

Healthy friendships keep this loop going. We feel valued; we show up. We show up; we feel valued.

Over time, this strengthens both the friendship and our sense of self.

Mattering Across Different Chapters of Life

I realized that mattering is not limited to one group or stage of life.

Our childhood friends may remind us of who we have always been.

Our present friendships may hold us through who we are becoming.

Both forms of connection matter deeply.

Adult friendships often start with shared values, support, and caring on purpose. They grow through presence during difficult seasons—through a message at the right moment, or a small gesture that quietly reminds you that you do not have to carry this alone.

Some friendships unfold naturally, but many grow in places we create intentionally. With busy routines and small social circles, connections often start with doing something together. Book clubs, volunteering, classes, and group programs create opportunities to meet regularly and build trust. This matters because coming together helps people feel seen and gives them ways to contribute.

These friendships might not include our earliest memories, but they become part of our story now. Friendship is not just something we find—it is something we can build intentionally. Sometimes, these friends become the support we need when life is hard.

Why Mattering in Friendship Supports Well-being

Research shows that mattering helps protect our mental health. When we feel we matter to others, we feel less lonely, have more self-worth, and enjoy better well-being. On the other hand, feeling unimportant or ignored—sometimes called anti-mattering—has been linked to emotional distress and a higher risk of depression.

Friendships can protect us because they support both sides of mattering:
We feel valued through care and attention.
We add value through presence and reciprocity.

When these things happen often, they build our resilience and hope.

How We Can Strengthen Mattering in Friendship

Mattering in friendship does come from big gestures. It grows from small and steady signs
Here are some ways to nurture mattering in friendships:

1. Notice what matters to your friend and return to it. When you remember details someone shared weeks ago—a tough talk, an important meeting, or a family worry—you show that their inner world matters. A simple follow-up shows you care and are paying attention, “I was thinking about what you mentioned last week. How did it go?”
2. Reach out in ordinary moments, not only difficult ones. Support during tough times matters, but so do everyday moments. Sharing a photo, a thought, or a quick message says, “You are part of my life, even when nothing is wrong.” These moments keep friendship from being about problems alone.
3. Name the specific qualities you appreciate. General praise is nice, but specific recognition feels more meaningful. This is nice: “You are such a good friend." However, the following may mean more: “I really appreciated how you listened yesterday without rushing me, which helped more than you know.” When we give specific appreciation, the person feels valued and sees how they make a difference.
4. Communicate trust in who they are, not only what they do. Mattering grows when people feel seen for who they are, not just what they do. A friend knows they are valued for who they are when they hear: “I admire how thoughtful you are with people.” “You bring calm when things feel overwhelming.”
5. Allow care to flow both ways. Sometimes, we stop mutual mattering by always being the helper. Letting a friend support us, too, shows trust and closeness. When care goes both ways, both people feel valued and able to give back.
6. Create small rituals of connection. Regular walks, voice notes, shared meals, or even short weekly check-ins help keep friendships steady. These routines quietly show that our connection matters and has a place in our lives.

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Friendship does not need big gestures to help our well-being. Often, its biggest influence comes from steady and quiet support. From the people who hold our history to those who support us now, friendships at every stage remind us that our presence matters—and that we matter in each other’s lives.