When Anger Is a Good Thing

Anger can be healthy and motivating.

Source: alanajordan / Pixabay

When I was in college, my girlfriend and I would occasionally double date with her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend. On one of those dates, the roommate’s boyfriend brought along a buddy who was visiting from out of town. The buddy was in line to try out for the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. We all went out for dinner and drinks; at the table, I found myself sitting across from the wrestler.

Now, I have a long history of wanting people to like me, and to make that happen, I developed the persona of a wit and wag, a comic, a funny guy. I tell jokes, make wisecracks, and periodically pull pranks. The goal is to make people laugh and then like me. I have learned to subdue that persona over the years, but when I get nervous, it can come back to life. That night at dinner, it was in full bloom.

I Thought I Was Making a Joke

I said to the wrestler, “Hey, it’s really cool that you might be wrestling in the Olympics. You know, we should probably wrist-wrestle for fun!” That got everybody’s attention at the table.

I then held up both my hands, palms in the “stop” position, and said, “But before we start, I need to know, are you right-handed or left-handed?”

“Right-handed,” he replied.

“Yeah, me too, and I wouldn’t want to hurt you, so we should wrist-wrestle left-handed,” I said as I planted my left elbow on the placemat in front of me with my hand up in the air. That got a laugh from the three at the other end of the table.

The joke was that I, a very skinny guy, would even have a chance against the burley wrestler whose shirt could barely contain his muscles. Now I had not put my elbow down anywhere near the center of the table; I was careful to not make a gesture which could be interpreted as a real challenge. Nevertheless, the wrestler stood up, leaned across the table, grabbed my hand before I could react, and then slammed my wrist against the tabletop. He then sat back down, puffed up his chest, and smiled as if he’d just bested Hulk Hogan.

Meanwhile, I was in pain. I thought he broke my wrist. I didn’t say anything; I just quietly massaged it under the table and ordered a stronger drink. Days later, when the pain didn’t subside, I had my wrist x-rayed. It wasn’t broken, only sprained, but I still couldn’t use my left hand for six weeks.

I Was Taught to Suppress My Anger

I should’ve been angry. But I repressed it. That’s what I was taught. I’ve written here before about how, when I was a child, no one was allowed to have emotions in my narcissistic mother’s house except for her. I was especially not allowed to have or express anger.

So, I told myself, “The wrestler didn’t mean to hurt me. After all, we were drinking alcohol, and he probably didn’t realize what he’d done.”

What I didn’t understand at the time was that I had every right to be angry. He clearly abused his power. He knew he was much stronger than me and should have known I was joking. He was a bully who essentially assaulted me.

Anger Can Be a Healthy Emotion

I should’ve called out the wrestler, “Whoa, dude... what the hell? You just hurt me!” Not because I needed to set boundaries with someone I would likely never see again but because anger is the body’s natural reaction when something isn’t right. It’s a healthy emotion, and it is normal to feel it. And assertively expressing my anger would have bolstered my own self-worth.

I have since learned the value of anger and to not restrain it. Smothered anger can turn into depression. According to Alice Miller, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting, suppressed emotions can manifest later on as diseases such as cancer, stroke, or other debilitating illnesses.

Anger Tells Us When We Need to Set Boundaries

If you are feeling angry, it is a pretty good sign that someone is breaking your boundaries. Which means it might be making you aware that you need to set some boundaries. We get angry when we feel violated in some way. This is vital because anger can help people find what’s important to them, such as a moral philosophy to live by. In many ways, our anger can empower us to know who we are. It can even help us identify our purpose in life.

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Anger is not negative or positive; it’s neutral. But the important thing is to learn how to deal with it constructively. Anger triggers our instinctual fight-or-flight response. The goal is not to run or fight but to stand up for ourselves when we encounter abusive behavior. The trick is learning how to control our anger and utilize its energy in a positive way, for example, by taking an assertiveness training class.

Healthy anger is problem-focused, not people-focused. If we want to experience justice for violations against us, then we need to seek and find non-violent solutions. We want to avoid negative responses to anger, which are (in addition to suppression) aggression and passive-aggression. Being aggressive can escalate a situation, which can make it worse and lead to violence. While being passive-aggressive, which is hiding your anger, can cause you to act it out in inappropriate ways, such as sulking, procrastinating, being sarcastic, or finding sneaky ways to sabotage or obstruct the person with whom you are angry.

Anger Can Be a Powerful Motivator

Anger feels uncomfortable which means it can be motivating. It can urge us forward to work for what we want or to fight against injustice. In order to tap into anger’s energy, it’s important to know what your needs and goals are and how to achieve them peacefully. So, let your anger become energy in motion, and allow it to propel you into positive action.