What’s It Like to Have an Intense, Fussy, Alert Baby?

First, I need to say that all parents work really hard, and, as a baseline, parenting is incredibly challenging. However, on top of the usual level of difficulty, parenting a child who is also intense, reactive, sensitive, persistent, and never sleeps requires an even bigger outlay of parenting skill and energy. These are the babies called “fussy,” “difficult,”. . . “a handful.” They require more from parents across more hours of the day and night. There are no breaks and no quiet moments to enjoy the experience.

For about 10-15% of parents (Thomas & Chess, 1977), theirs is a very different journey. In a large parent survey on temperament I conducted, I asked parents to describe their experience. The top words of parents of easier children were “fun,” “easy,” and “joyful.” Not one parent of an intense child used the word “easy” or “fun.” Recently, I asked the members of a large Facebook group that I run called the Fussy Baby Site Support group what they thought people didn’t know about their experience as parents of fussy, intense babies and toddlers. Here’s what they wanted you to know.

Everything is so intense. Many of these babies start right out with colic (inconsolable crying for weeks), feeding issues, silent reflux. For primary caregivers, days become an endless cycle of crying, nursing, problem-solving, carrying, and bouncing to sleep.

With these children, cries are louder, feelings are bigger. They are more active. They want more interaction. They do not simply play by themselves.

One group member said: "I wish people knew how intense everything is. I had a friend who heard my daughter crying and said she had never heard her daughter cry that loud. Her daughter sits still and has never been the type of kid to just be constantly moving or doing something like mine is. It made me realize how different my daughter is from other kids. And I love her to death for it, but it can be a lot."

Nothing works. Parents often find out quickly that the expert advice in baby care manuals and sleep books does not match their experience at all. Often, the promises made by the books bear no resemblance to what actually happens. For example, parents will read a sleep training book that says there might be 30-45 minutes of crying the first night. When they are approaching hour four with no sleep in sight, parents wonder what they are doing wrong and abandon that method for another, hoping for a different outcome.

A group member wrote: "This other mom said: 'We didn’t do anything. He just started sleeping through the night.' Meanwhile, me: Read three books on sleep, any possible sleep podcast, two sleep classes, and doing everything on earth, and still no results. I could have PhD in baby sleep at this point."

Parenting books are generally written about children who are temperamentally “easy.” The result is that parents of intense children are trying to use strategies that weren’t written for them.

The worry and guilt. While worry goes with the parenting territory, parents of intense, fussy babies are constantly in search of a cause for their baby’s extreme temperament. Is it colic? Reflux? Cow’s milk allergy? Or is it me? Did I cause this? Is it my parenting? As parents, they don’t get many clear signs that they’re doing a good job or they’re even on the right track. So, the only logical culprit is them. In that same parent survey, I found that parents with intense children rated their own competence significantly lower than parents of easygoing children. These parents were not only working incredibly hard, but they believed that they were doing a bad job.

The criticism and judgment. Parents of fussy little ones are often on the receiving end of commentary from others who think it’s their fault. “He’s crying because you pick him up too fast. If you just let him cry, he’ll learn.”

One group member wrote: “I would hear this a lot— ‘It’s probably because you are still breastfeeding, using formula would take away those problems,’ or ‘It’s probably because you did X, Y, or Z that she’s like that,’ or ‘You didn’t take care of yourself while pregnant, and that’s why she’s like this.’ The utter lack of support and blame placed on me, specifically as a mama, was astronomical.”

The isolation. I’ve met so many parents who are convinced that they have the only baby like this because there are no others that they know or have even seen. It’s hard to be the only one whose baby cannot sit quietly in the circle and play while mom has a conversation. It’s hard to hear stories of how other babies just naturally started sleeping through the night when yours can’t sustain more than two hours at a time.

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One group member said: "No one can know how hard it is until you’re in the thick of it. When I express the difficulty of it — the lack of sleep…the emotional burnout — and I hear a bubbly 'Aww, I’m sorry to hear that!' in response, it just grates on me. It’s just easier to stop talking about my reality and experiences altogether, so I pull away from other mothers. It’s so lonely here."

Moms can’t feel part of the group because their baby and their day-to-day experience as mothers are so fundamentally different. These parents need support even more than others but are less able to access it.

Having a child like this is a life-altering experience (and not for the weak). These children ultimately have some incredible talents and strengths, but getting them through the early years is a journey. This is the first part of a series I’m going to do on the lived experience of these parents. Stay tuned.