Are There Upsides to a Difficult Infant Temperament?

“Difficult,” “irritable,” “unsettled,” “fussy,” “a handful.” We know these babies (many of us had these babies). They cry louder and longer than others. They have feeding and/or sleeping problems (Owens-Stively et al., 1997; Spruyt et al., 2008). They’re more reactive and less able to calm down without a lot of help (Calkins et al., 2002). According to research, these babies would be considered temperamentally “difficult.”

Research on a “difficult” temperament

Approximately 10 percent of infants can be classified as “difficult” (Thomas & Chess, 1977). Research suggests that a difficult temperament is defined by problems with self-regulation, low sensory thresholds, heightened reactivity, and emotional intensity (Rothbart, 2011). While some positive temperament traits (e.g., sociability, Buss & Plomin, 1984; pleasure/joy, interest/persistence, Goldsmith & Campos, 1982; eagerness/extraversion, Rothbart, 2011) have been included in definitions of temperament, the most used terms overwhelmingly emphasize the more negative aspects of behavior.

Having an infant with a challenging temperament directly impacts parents’ self-confidence (Gordon, 2019; Porter & Hsu, 2003), upending their expectations of parenting and increasing their stress levels (e.g., Oddi et al., 2013). Having a difficult baby increases the risk for depression and anxiety (e.g., Britton, 2011). In the long term, a difficult temperament has been tied to behavioral and emotional problems (Abulizi et al., 2017), obesity (Anzman-Frasca et al., 2012), internalizing/externalizing problems (Valla et al., 2020), and more disrupted sleep (Morales-Muñoz et al., 2020). Truthfully, it sounds bleak.

As a parent of two (now grown) intense, sensitive infants, I know that it can be bleak—but that’s not all it is. Reactive infants can also be deeply feeling, inquisitive, curious, squeaky wheels who demand a higher level of investment from their parents. Is it possible that there are strengths in this package that researchers just haven’t looked for?

Parenting books: spirited, active-alert, highly sensitive, livewire

More balanced descriptions of a “difficult” temperament exist in the world of parenting advice books. A spirited child (Kurcinka, 2015; 2020) is more active, perceptive, persistent, irregular, and intense than mellower children. Active/alert children (Budd, 2003) can be highly active, intense, and controlling, as well as empathic and bright. Highly sensitive children (Aron, 2002) are cautious and easily overwhelmed, but they’re also compassionate, creative, and conscientious. I coined the term livewire to denote a child who seems to have more energetic “current” running through their system (Gordon & West, 2024). They can be alert/engaged, intense, emotionally and physically sensitive, and perceptive.

Though the research on early intelligence has fallen off in recent decades, it identified traits like newborn alertness, generally lower sleep needs, early and high levels of motor activity, persistence, and low tolerance for frustration (Rogers & Silverman, 1998; Silverman, 2001). A qualitative study with parents of school-age identified gifted students asked what these children were like as infants (Rastogi & Gordon, 2019). Not surprisingly, all of them reported that their child had extreme difficulties with sleep and emotional regulation as infants. They also reported that their child had early and intense levels of alertness and motor activity.

I conducted a large parent survey (856 parents of children aged 6 months to 6 years) to assess whether there were positive traits that could be identified in children classified as “difficult” (Gordon, 2019). The results showed that a “difficult” temperament predicted higher levels of perceptiveness and emotional sensitivity (the ability to detect others’ emotions; p<.001). In the older children, it also predicted higher levels of empathy, perfectionism, and valuing justice and fairness (all p<.001).

What parents say

In the same survey, I asked parents to describe their child’s temperament.

• “He is the most fun kid I’ve met at his age—also the most intense and exhausting. He is super smart, intuitive, and loving, but struggles with anger....” (27 months)
• “I'm both amazed and exhausted by how much my child, knows, feels, and does. I question all the time if I'm good enough to handle her.…She's the biggest challenge I've ever faced, but the thing I am most proud of that I have ever done.” (36 months)
• “She’s my Sour Patch Kid—super sassy and sour but can be the sweetest and most polite little girl…It’s like her personality is too big for her little body.” (45 months)

These are some descriptions from parents on a Facebook page for intense, sensitive children:

• “Fearless, determined, strong, expressive, outgoing, kind to everyone who gives her a chance.”
• “Passionate, loving, hilarious, and intelligent. Sure, his negative feelings are huge, but all the positive feelings are too! So big happiness, big laughter, everything.”
• “Boss baby, future CEO, persistent, doesn't-take-no-for-an-answer, verbally gifted, socially smart, a 30-year-old in a 9-year-old body.”
• “Chatty, strong-willed, headstrong, knows what she wants.”
• “Firecracker, energetic, chatty/communicative, sensitive, intense.”

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Parents know that there’s more to their child than just the challenging traits.

Perceptions of temperament matter

The words used to describe temperament matter because they impact parental perceptions. Having a fussy, colicky, sleep-avoidant newborn is hard enough. Negative perceptions and fears that something is “wrong” (or will be wrong) can set them on a negative trajectory that impacts their parenting choices and experiences. Parents who perceive their infant negatively tend to see more negative behavior (Pauli-Pott et al., 2003).

The lack of helpful information on early temperament also leads parents to worry that their child’s behavior is their fault, that they have “caused” the fussiness or sleep problems. In my survey, I found that in addition to feeling more physically and emotionally exhausted, parents of the “difficult” children rated their own parenting competence significantly lower than those with more easygoing children. They were working harder and, at the same time, thinking that they weren’t doing a good job. Is it possible that a more balanced view of temperament could give parents a more hopeful lens? Could knowledge like this help them feel better about the job they’re doing?

Positive parenting matters

Positive parenting with sensitive children can have an enormous impact. Researchers Pluess and Belsky (2010; 2013) suggest that children with a sensitive, intense temperament respond more strongly to both negative and positive parenting environments—meaning they fare significantly worse in negative contexts but do even better than easygoing children in positive ones. The big research term for this is “differential susceptibility to context.” The same context can have different impacts on a child based on their temperament.

Parents deserve a more balanced view of temperament that highlights the possible strengths that exist beside or underneath the harder ones. Could a more positive light alter some of the negative long-term consequences of a “difficult” temperament? It’s definitely worth finding out.