What Will It Take for Survivors of Abuse to Heal?

Survivors of sexual assault who come forward are a minority. About one in six women in the US will experience an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime, but 63 percent will be dealt with privately, often without reliable outside support. This is why watching and listening to Jeffrey Epstein's survivors come forward with their stories is astonishing. The media are focused on the importance of criminal prosecutions and the pursuit of justice, but will real healing ever be possible?

What does the statistic one in six mean? The last group fitness class I attended would have had at least two other women in the room besides myself who have survived an attempted or completed rape. This number does not include sexual harassment; this incidence goes up to around 80 percent of women. Four out of five.

Sexual trauma happens to a stunningly large number of people, which makes it common, and common is often confused with normal. Once something seems normal, it will not be seen as a problem. We look to extreme, violent examples of sex trafficking to understand sexual assault as a "real" crime. Many women compare their experiences with extreme cases and decide that what happened to them wasn't that bad. They go on to ignore their own trauma symptoms, or sometimes self-medicate in ways that lead to addictions and compulsive behaviors. Maybe they decide to tell someone.

Survivors who come forward are disbelieved, harassed, threatened, and scrutinized. I've seen it in restraining order hearings, community meetings, and workplaces, not just in high-profile news stories. It happened to me, too.

Women living in violent homes intuitively know that leaving is dangerous. The stats confirm this: 75 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation, and the risk of harm stays high for an average of two years. When I left my abusive partner, he threatened to kill me over and over again. Now that I work with other survivors, I know that to come forward is to risk your well-being, maybe even your life.

It is not the case that getting justice via criminal or civil proceedings is the only true way for survivors to heal. Healing begins with a safe person who listens and believes you, who can support the complexity of your experience. Healing looks different for everyone, but the strength of our community bonds can be a predictor of our recovery. As survivors will attest, validation of your experience is necessary and the first step toward healing.

That validation is unlikely to exist in today's legal system. This system was not designed for us. There are loopholes in some state laws that allow for marital rape—in South Carolina, a woman cannot accuse her husband of rape unless they are living apart. The rape of an enslaved woman was not a crime, a legal and cultural reality that has had enduring consequences for Black women. The same was true for Native women, who have fought for decades to receive legal attention to the violence they have endured and still do.

Even white women, the only women actually considered in sexual violence law of the 19th and early 20th century, were scrutinized for chastity, the promptness of their reporting, and proof that they had resisted in the "utmost." In other words, "she asked for it," "she deserved it," "if this really happened she would have told someone back then," and "she didn't fight back so she must have wanted it," were all viable legal defenses until the women’s anti-violence movement forced policy changes in the 1970s.

In the 2023 rape case, attorneys berated E. Jean Carroll for not screaming. Holding your breath is a normal response to a shock of adrenaline. The women who have braved the court system have been heroic in their efforts. They are asking the question all survivors must face: Is it possible to recover fully, without justice?

Individual therapy can be helpful; for example, somatic or body-based practices are highly effective. One of the most important strategies for recovery is building strong community bonds and relationships, especially with other survivors. You can find an online community full of wisdom and sassy jokes, join an IRL support group, or start the conversation with your friends and family. Regardless of what happens in the courts, we are all around you, ready to help one another heal.