Narcissism
The 4 Rules of a Narcissistic Family
After growing up with a narcissist, aim to overcome these themes as an adult.
Updated May 10, 2026 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- A narcissistic family is one that is led by a narcissistic parent.
- There are common themes found in the narcissistic family.
- The rules of a narcissistic family stifle healthy emotional development.
There are spoken and unspoken rules that govern the narcissistic family. A narcissistic family is one in which the family is led by a narcissistic parent. Every member of the family knows the rules, even if they are never openly expressed. Abiding by these demanding directives, the non-narcissistic family members often forgo their own good judgment or needs. The net result is that the narcissistic family code stifles individual psychological and emotional development. Although there are other dynamics, and each family is unique, the following four rules are found to be common themes.
1. Don’t Show Your True Feelings
If you grew up in a narcissistic family, you probably learned that your feelings don’t matter—good or bad. If you’re sad or angry, you are a burden; if you are joyful or excited, that’s too threatening. This prevents you from experiencing your own range of emotions and thus existing as a whole person. Jill, 44, told me she didn’t dare frown in her household growing up. She was told to “put a smile on that pretty little face, be more grateful and not so selfish!”
At Elizabeth’s graduation party for her master’s degree in journalism, her mother told her not to talk too much about herself and her accomplishments. She was clear that her party was only for bragging rights for her parents and not really to celebrate her. Elizabeth reports she could not share her own joy.
Ange, 54, told me: “When we were growing up, my brothers and I kind of took it for granted that we were not allowed to show or express our feelings. When we felt sad, we were told to wipe the frown off our faces. No matter what we were feeling, we had to pretend that everything was just fine. We have so many family photos where we kids have these fake smiles, but sad, empty eyes. It hurts so much to look at those pictures.”
2. Keep Up the “Perfect Family” Image
In the narcissistic family, how you look to the outside world is more important than who you are or how you feel. You must present that everything is fine all the time. Putting on a good show is a prominent rule. This appearance of perfection serves to cover up the narcissist’s deficiencies. It is not only exhausting, but it also prevents authenticity.
Derek, 34, seemed to be in a constant battle with his narcissistic father, who nonetheless insisted that Derek not talk about their fights with his friends. His father was mean and abusive and would say awful things to him. If Derek was going out with friends after a fight with his father, he would be told, “Buck up now, and do not discuss this with anyone.” He learned to stay in denial and keep secrets about the dysfunctional family he lived in.
3. The Needs of the Parent Take Precedence Over the Children’s
In a healthy family, there is a clear hierarchy: The parents are there to take care of the children, not the other way around. In the narcissistic family, it’s all about the parental narcissist’s needs. Approval of the children is based on their meeting the parent’s needs. As psychiatrist and author Nanette Gartrell puts it, “Narcissistic parents are always there when they need you!”
Jack, 52, described his high-school swim team experience. He had been practicing for years and had a good chance at making varsity. He had to attend all the meets and practices to make the team, which he earnestly sought to do. Right before tryouts, his father announced that the family must accompany him on a business trip because he had to make a good impression for a potential new client. Jack wanted to stay back with a friend and attend his swim activities, but his father told him that being there for his father was more important than a high-school swim team. End of discussion. Jack’s interests and desires took the back seat.
I’ve heard many stories that exemplify a child’s fundamental needs not being met in a narcissistic family. Sadly, children learn early on that they are there to serve the parent. The parent’s needs become a moving target that the children keep trying to meet. But it is unpredictable and impossible to do. This is a reason why so many adult children raised by a narcissistic parent internalize the message of not being good enough.
4. Children Are Not Entitled to Boundaries or Privacy
We all have a healthy need to have boundaries around our physical space, emotional space, belongings, body, private thoughts, and private writings. These kinds of boundaries are not respected in the narcissistic family. In the narcissistic family, there is typically a lack of boundaries concerning interpersonal relationships and private space. The children are seen more as objects than people with their own needs. The narcissist determines whatever limited boundaries may exist.
This shows up in sexual abuse cases, privacy in the bedroom or bathroom, taking others’ belongings without asking, reading diaries, or even telling everyone in the family something the parent was told by the child in private. It can also be seen in depriving a child of their belief system in various things, including religion and politics. Sadly, even the thoughts in the child’s head are not their own; they must be careful about what they say out loud.
Getting Help
When a child grows up with these dysfunctional rules, that child often suffers alone with no one to go to for help. They then have difficulty developing a strong sense of self. They question who they are and grow up with crippling self-doubt.
If any of this is familiar to you, and you suspect you grew up with a narcissistic parent, there are recovery resources available for you. It’s so worth the journey to regain hope again.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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