The Psychology of Love Bombing

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First comes love, then comes marriage, here they come with a baby carriage…but wait, something suddenly went wrong. The nursery rhyme took a turn. Was it too good to be true?

Love bombing is a psychological and emotional abuse tactic used by an offender to gain and maintain control of someone and to suck them into a relationship. It involves the use of extreme flattery, praise, extravagant gifts given too soon in the context of the relationship, and intense communication that causes the target to feel loved, valued, seen, heard, and cherished immediately.

Love bombing is not about love; it’s about control. The tactics are calculated and powerful, with the purpose of manipulating the target into believing they are the most important thing that ever entered the offender’s life. But the offender is using this strategy to gratify their own needs to be viewed by the receiver as the most wonderful thing that ever happened to them. The receiver is an object and a means to an end for the love bomber. They want the target to feel indebted to them and dependent on them. This perhaps will keep the partner from ever leaving them or abandoning them.

Who Love Bombs

People who tend to use the strategy of love bombing typically are people with these challenges:

• Major insecurities
• An inability to trust
• Dependency issues
• An anxious or insecure attachment style
• Narcissistic personality disorder or high in traits of narcissism
• Lack secure sense of self

Signs of Love Bombing

• The showering of extravagant gifts before it feels appropriate for the relationship context. (You’ve just met, and you are getting jewelry, flowers, offering of trips away, and/or offers to help you in many ways that you don’t really need.)
• A rush to lock you into the relationship and move along more quickly than feels right to you.
• The offender is saying things like “I love you," “You are my soul mate," or "There has never been anyone like you in my life before," all before it seems natural in the timeline of a relationship.
• The offender is demanding your time and attention even when it does not work for your schedule or availability and tries to guilt you if you are not compliant.
• The offender will not accept your boundaries or take no for an answer.
• The offender will try to isolate you from family and friends and your own activities.
• There is an over-sharing of feelings that don’t feel appropriate for the situation.
• It feels like extreme love, much overdone; for example, claiming they can’t live without you.
• They say things like “You’re the only one who truly understands me,” “I’ll do anything for you,” or “I’ll change into whatever you want me to be.” (This is to give the appearance of giving up their power to you.)
• They tell you that you are perfect for them.

Who Is Most Susceptible to a Love Bomber?

• Lonely people
• The newly divorced
• People who feel less than or not good enough
• People who come from dysfunctional families and have not had positive role models for healthy love relationships
• People raised by a narcissistic parent who have unmet emotional needs

Why Love Bombing Is a Problem

Love bombing actions are usually not genuine as the offender sees the target as an object to be manipulated. When the “honeymoon” period of the love fest is over, the love bomber may begin using other tactics to keep the partner around to meet their own needs. There is a danger of domestic abuse, gaslighting, and even discarding if the receiver is not compliant. This is clearly control, not love.

There is often to be a pattern or cycle of love bombing, with the bomber first idealizing the receiver, then devaluing them if they are not compliant, and ultimately discarding them if they are confrontational or set boundaries with the bomber. This is similar to the classic domestic violence cycle. The love bomber may repeat the cycle, using the love bombing techniques over and over to try to manipulate the receiver into staying in the relationship.

How to Protect Yourself

The primary protection from love bombing is to listen to your own intuition. If you feel a sense of being overwhelmed, or if your gut says something isn’t right, listen to it. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• When you voice your boundaries or say no, does the person respect it or do they fight back and try to convince you that you are wrong?
• Are you finding yourself feeling guilty if you don’t comply?
• When you check with family or close friends about the situation, do they think something is not right with the situation?
• If you slow down the pace, do you notice that your wishes are not respected?

Some other strategies to keep in mind:

• If it doesn’t feel right, know that you are worthy of respect and having a voice, and should be treated with compassion and empathy.
• Speak up for yourself and notice if you are being heard.
• Pay attention to all red flags mentioned above.

Love bombing can happen to anyone, so don’t soend time beating yourself up if it happens to you. Just be aware and protect yourself. Have the courage to walk away. You are worth it.