Where We Get Our Self-Image From and How to Change It

Sometimes we are our own worst critics. All of us have limits that are self-imposed. When we consider our goals and ambitions, all of us from time to time say things like, “I’m not the kind of person who can do this,” “I usually don’t this,” “It’s not for now, maybe later.”

Self-talk matters. Henry Ford is known to have said, “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you are right.” Sometimes it’s not easy to think we can.

Our self-esteem—how we evaluate ourselves—comes from several places. One of them is how other people evaluate us.

Importantly, we don’t take a representative sample of others’ opinions about us. We purposively choose whom to interact with and whom to avoid. Research suggests that we choose others based on their inclination to confirm what we already think about ourselves. We seek out social evaluations that do not challenge us, keep things predictable and under control, and maintain our self-image—whether it be positive or negative.

Another place where we draw our self-esteem from is our own observation of how we behave and what we do. Just like other people observe how we act, we, too, observe our own decisions. When we tell a joke to a group of people and make them laugh, we start to think of ourselves as funny. When we are able to hold the attention of others while we talk, we give ourselves permission to think of ourselves as charismatic. Our own behavior shapes our self-image.

Noticing selective negative information about ourselves

The behaviors we count as “evidence” about ourselves are also not necessarily representative of our average behavior. Research finds that we focus on obstacles and things that hold us back at the expense of things that are working out and pushing us forward. In general, it is easier to focus on the negative than on the positive.

Of course, everyone falls short in some domains. We overestimate how harshly others judge our mistakes and mishaps and assume other people will easily notice how imperfect we are. We sometimes fail to follow through on plans. We fail to meet deadlines and procrastinate our work. There is plenty of evidence we can find if let ourselves focus on the reasons why we are not good enough.

Changing negative into positive

An effective way to elevate our self-esteem is to become better—make better decisions, meet deadlines, follow through on plans, refuse to worry too much about what others think of us, and take mistakes as opportunities to learn.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It requires hard work, self-reflection, and a good understanding of our habits and temptations. This is important work that all of us must do in our respective journeys for self-improvement. The importance of self-improvement is well-known.

There is also another solution that is less emphasized but can be just as effective: delegation.

Many of our shortcomings can be attributed to everyday, small decisions that over time amount to a corpus of “evidence” that feeds into our self-esteem. If we are able to create a mechanism that reliably helps us change these small decisions, we will not only make better decisions but also change how we view ourselves.

If there are other people we can delegate some of these decisions to, we will benefit immensely. Some of these decisions can be delegated to an assistant or a helper: scheduling, deadline reminders, and planning. It is much easier to maintain a diet or a workout schedule, meet deadlines for professional projects, and maintain a professional network when there is someone who helps us keep track of these elements.

Other areas can be delegated to someone whom we look up to in some domain—someone we can get advice, mentoring, and expert information from. These aspects can be delegated to someone who is better and farther along than us in some way. It is much easier to build a new skill or navigate the promotion ladder at work when we have someone who can share his or her insights about these journeys.

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The types of relationships that allow for delegation in different areas differ. An assistant might be a professional relationship, a person you hire to help with errands, scheduling, and tasks. A mentor might be someone who sees your potential and helps you because he or she sees something in you that deserves development. This is someone you identify and must persuade that you have potential and can benefit from mentoring.

A final thought

Delegation does not make the road to self-improvement easy, but it can make things easier. It is another tool in our kit that sometimes we forget we have. The term “self-improvement” can lead us to think that we do everything all by ourselves, but this need not be the case. Although the bulk of work will be done by us, we can and should recruit others to help.

Others also have an advantage over us in some ways. They have an outside, distant perspective on us. They are not emotional about our mistakes. They are not preoccupied with our past failures or perceived inadequacies.

Our watchful eye sees everything we do or don’t do and feeds this into our self-image.

The goal is always to make better decisions and achieve more of our goals. Ultimately, this will change how we see ourselves.