Extrovert Envy

I feel like I am "rewarded" for my introversion by being slower to react to my environment and therefore not saying things I regret. I prefer having a lengthy conduit between my brain and mouth rather than just talking for the sake of talking.
How other people respond to me in comparison to how they respond to extroverts is very irrelevant to how I view myself.

I would say that it is not extroversion that is being rewarded so much as how the extrovert made the other people feel about themselves. In my general day-to-day activities I am deeply introverted, but I generally make a point to behave in a more extroverted fashion when dealing with people in the service industry like restaurant servers, bartenders, hotel housekeeping, etc. It's about making them feel more at ease than myself.

Nice article, Interesting topic.
I too have experienced this 'extrovert envy'. Severely during my adolescence, and moderately at present.
As a young man, it is quite apparent to me, how 'extroverts' seem to get the better deal in society -during work & play.
Words like 'Outgoing' and 'Energetic' seeming to be the primary employable traits in a busy, fast paced world, where business and sales relationships, need to be formed effectively and rapidly.
Socially, it can appear that extroverts get all the attention and action.
Introverts need to appreciate how it can be a depth of a human relationship that can be truly valuable to humans and place not so much importance on forming quick, superficial relationships with people. It's all about self-acceptance and realising your strengths

You could have gotten the introverted waiters :)

Here's a little advice for any extrovert who wants to have a better relationship with their introverted friends: One on one conversations. You don't need five or ten people around to be social. Try talking to a friend alone, without an entourage hanging around, and actually listen to what they might have to say. A world that rewards introverts would be one that recognizes that the time spent inside our heads actually is productive, with extroverts who would be willing to slow down for a moment, listen, and let us speak.

I would say that my reward as an introvert lies in the depth of my relations with people, both the introverted and the extroverted kind. In my experience, extroverted people are not necessarily 'shallow'. I have a few expressly extroverted friends, who make an effort to slow down around me and talk in-depth about topics. In turn, I try to deal with the fact that they think as they speak, instead of think before they speak. These are the relationships I want to invest in, they are very much worth it. (I very much appreciate the dynamism of extroverted people; as long as they appreciate my analytic, more reflective way of being, there is no problem.)

I fully agree with Todd S. The energy and humor extroverts tend to put out in social situations is rewarded by others because it makes THEM feel good, confident and secure. I tend toward introversion and my reserve is interpreted negatively by members of my extended family who thrive on the energy put out by extroverts. This is very obvious in the praising comments they make: "She always has such a nice smile on her face; he's so friendly and outgoing ...". My serious face and reserve (which disappears when I'm comfortable) is read negatively and has affected the quality of some of these relationships. What's sad is that it's all superficial ... when someone gets to know me on a deeper level (or other introverts, for that matter), these issues are irrelevant, but not everyone gets to that point!

You have to be comfortable with who you are. We all have different social preferences, some preferring more social interaction over others.

perhaps an introvert-accepting world would have large gatherings with large couches and other seating facing each other and then other areas with 1-3 seats in corners or quieter places. furniture arrangement can go a long way towards conversation and can benefit introverts and extroverts. perhaps love seats in a circle so you can talk to the person next to you quietly or the whole group. having multiple conversation stations (kitchen counter, dining room table, couch etc.) has always helped me because i like to watch other people and chime in when i want to contribute. so being in a large group helps me because no one expects me to be talking non-stop.

My first impression is that it is very wrong of anyone in a service profession to differentiate between friendly people and quiet people in their service. Unless a person is actively hostile, there is no reason why a server should treat one person differently than another. When a server is serving, the attention and emphasis should be on good service to the client, not on how the client makes the server feel. Even as an introverted 14-year old working at Subway making sandwiches for strangers, I understood this. The place you went to should not have allowed such behavior. All they need to do is to train their servers in professional behavior.

I love what you said here:
"I feel rewarded when extroverted friends neither hover nor forget about me at social gatherings. By allowing me to enjoy the party my own way while also stopping by ocassionally for a giggle and gossip, they join me in my quiet little party space rather than insisting I join their noisier one. That says this friend understands me. It's like a bouquet of flowers."
I love that, too. I don't want to be dragged into the madding horde, but I don't want to be ignored, either. I love it when extraverts draw me out. It makes me feel noticed and valued.
My sort of quest is to get people to recognize that while I need to stretch and grow like anyone else, my basic way of being is perfectly legitimate and valid. My desire not to be the life of the party doesn't need to be fixed; it's not an error in my character to prefer not to talk to strangers. I like it when people recognize these as valid traits, not as something they just have to put up with because I'm ignorant or blind or immature or damaged. Of course, it's mostly introverts who recognize this...

Rewards? Hmm...

* inner rewards ~ peace, security, satisfaction, motivation, etc ~ all from within.

* live longer. Not verified, but I think innies tend to be less stressed.

* excused from keeping up with everyone else and from having social obligations. After awhile, other people just know not to expect you to be there. No pressure. Non-innies may have hell to pay!

* family & friends still love me = ) ~ nothing changes, no animosity or worrying even though there's not "regular" contact (family - once every week or two; friends ~ once a month).

* The ability to even "be" an extrovert! At least for 30 minutes. Kinda difficult to go from extrovert to introvert, and we all have to be alone at some point.

* Being the hero for noticing that one thing no one else noticed.

* Making others feel special ~ and they let you know ~ by deeply listening & acknowledging the little things. We do this naturally!

Rewards? Hmm...

* inner rewards ~ peace, security, satisfaction, motivation, etc ~ all from within.

* live longer. Not verified, but I think innies tend to be less stressed.

* excused from keeping up with everyone else and from having social obligations. After awhile, other people just know not to expect you to be there. No pressure. Non-innies may have hell to pay!

* family & friends still love me = ) ~ nothing changes, no animosity or worrying even though there's not "regular" contact (family - once every week or two; friends ~ once a month). It's the norm with me.

* The ability to even "be" an extrovert! At least for 30 minutes. Kinda difficult to go from extrovert to introvert, and we all have to be alone at some point.

* Being the hero for noticing that one thing no one else noticed.

* Making others feel special ~ and they let you know ~ by deeply listening & acknowledging the little things. We do this naturally!

Just a quick note: not all extroverts are superficial. Some of them are just naturally chatty just in the same way as introverts are naturally quiet.

People who talk a lot at parties without listening to a word you say? They are not extrovers, they are people without manners. Let us not confuse the two.

Thanks for this insightful post. I was somewhat comfortable having introvert traits and keeping small groups of friend until I started dating my ex. His attention always focused on extroverts who chatters away and tend to forget me at parties. I feel like I have to be more extroverted to get his attention... It hurt a lot because I was not comfortable and struggled throughout the relationship. I became angry at him but couldn't express these feelings. I also got jealous of his extroverted friends because I felt they got all the attention. In a way, I became someone that I was not and caused both of us lots of sufferings. He broke up with me because I became very insecure at who I was... I miss him very much but the breakup helped me realize more of myself... and this post is especially supportive. Thank you.

I think that perhaps the extroverts get the positive attention because it's so clear to other people what it is they want. We, on the other hand, tend to be less obvious.

Or maybe since most of the folks out there are extroverts themselves, they just don't understand us. So those waiters and others focus on their own kind.

Then on the flip side is "extrovert pity", which at this stage of life (late middle age) I feel far more often than "extrovert envy". I enjoy spontaneous interaction with others, but I positively love my "down time" - when I can read, use the computer, listen to music, relax, etc. Some extroverts, on the other hand, go bonkers when they've got "free" time, and they hate to do even routine things (like eat a meal) by themselves. So all I can think is: Wow; it must be a drag to be like that!

I often get extrovert envy and will force myself to go to things that I would rather miss. Lately I've been really trying to ask myself, "Do I feel like going?" If the answer is no, than chances are that I will go to the event and not put my best self forward. I won't be forthcoming or approachable and therefore won't have a good time. If I feel like I'm going to be like this, then I'll skip the outing and go home instead. This way I can put my energy toward something I do want to do. Sometimes, you'll miss out on something great, but most of the time it will be like any other event. And oftentimes I don't want to miss out on what I do in my private time just to go to an extroverted event. Thanks for the post, it was very thought-provoking.

I really enjoy my introversion, especially as I'm getting older (I'm in my early 30's). Extrovert envy - not so often. But, here is something I am dealing at my work right now, extrovert vs. introverts social game. I am quiet, doing my job always on time, with responsability and politeness toward customers and colleagues. Also, doing many different and creative stuff, but never bragging or telling outloud what I had contributed. I thought that was obvious, and was very wrong about it! To the contrary! It was told to me by my boss that my work was small, of no real importance, that I am proud and strange, and that I have to ask him every single day about his opinion and approval, "as everybody else is doing" (4 years there, for me very peculiar idea that he wish to force me into behaving like a new comer, asking banal questions about my work that I am very familiar with??). And back to the point, and to extroverts (at my working place). Some of them are telling never-ending stories, promising "big things" all the time, starting conversation with boss as often as they can.. In reallity, they are making many mistakes, missing deadlines etc, and guess what? My boss sees their STORIES as valid, not their achievement.

My hypothesis on the waitstaff situation is that their work environments are also geared for extraversion. I've never received different treatment in the same manner that Sophia did; however, I do sometimes wish for the waiter who drops & runs. It seems an improvement over the kind that interrupts every five minutes to ask if everything is ok. Unfortunately, quiet observance of customers does not get noticed by managers like the interrupting chatter does; the chatter is interpreted as action and service while the quiet observance is likely interpreted as slacking off.

I feel like I am rewarded for my introversion when an extraverted friend makes the effort to wait a few seconds longer for my response, rather than filling the space with more conversational clutter. It really is the little things...

I have a bad case of extrovert envy. Being in high school with a gazillion hyped-up-on-too-much-coffee extroverted teenagers, you start to question your identity. I'm really awkward around the other students that I don't know and I feel like I should be more social like my friends. It was nice for once to read something and completely relate. Going through this article, I found myself nodding at everything and thinking, "Oh, I do that..." "Oh, I've been though that..." It was nice :)

Sophia, I stumbled on your blog this morning and love your articles. I can identify with everything you say, and I'm learning more about myself in the process.

I recently read a book called "Networking for People Who Hate Networking," and it seeks to bridge communication and understanding between introverts and extroverts. It's written by a self-described introvert for other introverts, but extroverts could get a lot of insight from it too.

Among other things the author draws this great compare/contrast between the two personalities: introverts think to talk, while extroverts talk to think.

And that is the source of my own extrovert envy. I have a hard time thinking on the fly in a group setting. Instead, I hang back, observe and process, and days later I think of something I could have said or done. It's frustrating at times.

I actually don't ever feel rewarded for introversion. My experience is that introverts are misunderstood and sometimes punished socially. But part of it is my problem - I assume people can see past my force field to my good intentions and conscientiousness. In reality, what they probably see is reserve and a lot of other things I don't intend, like a cold or judgmental mind. I appreciate the comments here about making more of an effort - this is key. Maybe it's just a matter of getting out there in social situations and practicing (while still being true to myself).

I'm one of those over-40 workers who backed into a home business after a layoff. It's taken a long time to get my bearings, but I'm starting to move forward. Although there are many things I love about it, there's more I could be doing to reach out. Resources like this are invaluable.

There may be noticeably a bundle to find out about this. I assume you made certain nice fichet bauche factors in features also.

My cat enjoys only my company, so snuggles with only me (I consider that a reward for staying in one spot for a long period of time).

Simple thank yous or any small verbal gratifications for working hard or remembering something that everyone forgets (sometimes was simply mentioned months or even years before). I don't tend to like getting material gifts (because I feel that I have to give something else in return even though it was supposed to be reward).

Those are basically the only two kinds of rewards I ask for (without asking of course); however, I'm sometimes "rewarded" for something I don't want to be rewarded for, or think that I shouldn't be rewarded for.

For example, we just moved, and throughout all the stress and physical endeavor, along with having to be around people I don't particularly like, I would have liked a simple "Thank you for working hard," but my mom added in, "and for not complaining." It's not that I didn't want to complain--I did! I would have loved to complain to the point where I started crying, instead of "bottling it all up" like she assumes I do!--I just knew that after complaining that nothing would have changed, so I kept my mouth shut and physically worked out my frustrations.

You're questioning why people don't accept you as you are, yet you are failing to accept people as they are. They're not excluding you, you're excluding yourself. I've learned this as an introvert.

i have extrovert envy when i like a girl and i can't talk her, it seems i can never get her one on one time with her, she even told we were going to have a conversation a couple of times. I think if she knew i was introverted she won't put pressure for me to start the conversation and she won't act so uncomfortable when she's around me. The thing that pisses me off about the situation is she is always talking one person and he's not even single, she kind of alienates her self from me and my other co-workers since she tends to only talk to that one person and even goes as far to not help people she doesn't talk to or like which surprises when she actually helps me. I guess i have extrovert envy cuz of this but hope one day she stops acting like she's 15 and try to understand me and she'll that im not that different from extroverts. (just to point out she's 27)

my work situation sucks, no one bothers to talk to me because they assume i don't talk, been workin there for 8 years (no one has been there longer) and people treat me like the new hire, been workin with 4 of my co-workers for over 4 years and they know nothing bout me, every new hire that's put in my area pre-judges me based on assumptions that my other co-workers tell them, my supervisor and even his boss don't make decisions the "group" makes decisions for them. As a introvert i clearly see what has happen throughout the years, a "group" has formed in my work area which is mostly half of my co-workers, well the reason they formed the "group" is cause they seen they had no power at work and that's why the "group" was formed. I hate this "group" first off cause they think they know more than me when i been working twice as long as most of them. They tend to alienate the new hires by not talking to them and keeping them uninformed. This is the kind of atmosphere extroverts put out when they are in "charge"

Interesting thoughts. I don't know if it is because I am getting older or because things are changing, but when I was younger I think my friends understood me better. They knew that if I did not call it was not that I did not care, it was just the way I was and they did not take offense. They knew that if I did not seek them out that week, it was probably because I was busy, but that if they dropped by they were welcome. They knew that if I spent time with them (any time)it meant that I really liked them and was comfortable with them, even if I did not say it as much as an extrovert did.

These days friendships are so much more work because there seems to be much less understanding. People get upset when you don't go to every gathering that set up, don't understand that you would rather watch paint dry and have your fingernails torn off than go to a dinner with a large group of people you don't know.

So yes there have been times I wish that that whole social thing was a little easier on me as it would be if I were an introvert. But at the same time I don't want to lose all those things I value as an Introvert.

I think that the things us introverts covet most in extroverts are features of our makeup, it is just that we tend not to use them in situations where we are around people we don't know well. We wait, listen and learn in those situations and then once we have enough information we interact. Unfortunately that level of comfort usually takes several parties, dinners or conversations. In our fast paced world we often don't have that time anymore.

But I know that as Introverts once we are comfortable we behave much like extroverts and when extroverts are absent or in the minority we behave much like introverts.

I recall two dinners I have had with the same friends, with two exceptions. The first dinner there were three introverts to one extrovert. In that conversation the introverts dominated the conversation over the meal with the extrovert interacting much as an introvert would. In the second meal there were an even number of introverts and extroverts. At that time the conversation was dominated exclusively by the Extroverts, by the end of the meal the extroverts were doing all the talking, the introverts were not even participating in the conversation. Another problem was that the introverts and extroverts were evenly spaced, thus the introverts were unable to have a quiet conversation and would have had to match the extroverts for loudness.

We should not envy our extroverted friends, for there are situations where I have felt more confident than extroverts, I think nothing of going to movies or eating out by myself or going to events that I have never been to by myself, traveling alone and in general being alone. These are things I have found can often turn an extrovert into a wobbling mass of jelly.

Rather than envying the natural and often overly rewarded attributes of extroverts we should simply value our attributes more, that would end up having the same effect as we would feel more confident in those situations that tend to make us nervous due to our introversion and lead us to act more like what is typically attributed to extroverts but is often a natural part of our character as well when we feel comfortable in those situations.

Finally some extroverts (probably unconsciously) can try to make us less comfortable in social situations using their natural social talents to put themselves in a more favorable light when meeting new people. For example I had a friend who would always mention that I had a PhD whenever we met new people, while this would seem to be a good thing it typically had the effect of scaring off most potential mates (some guys tended to get intimidated by that kind of thing) and made people in general sure that my quietness was due to my feeling superior.

I was a painfully shy child and gradually came out of my shell mostly after I got to college. I had a few friends in grade school and high school, but never really sought out new friends or worked at friendships. I was aware that I was in what is known as "the out crowd" in high school, but truthfully never wanted to be in the "in crowd" and was perfectly happy to hang out with the friends I had. I never craved - or even wanted - attention from others. Maybe it's because I was a middle child, who got little attention growing up in a family of 4 children. As a female product of small private schooling, when I got to college I suddenly felt free to come out of my shell and just have fun. I relished the idea of being anonymous and mingling with 40,000 strangers. I got to be very popular with the guys, and felt very comfortable around them, but still had difficulty forming lasting friendships with girls. I had a problem trusting females, not sure what that stemmed from, but it has stayed with me for life. Must have been something in my childhood that shattered my trust of the female part of the species. Anyway, when my husband and I got married after college, we had a nice wedding and the reception was in two rooms. I was too shy to leave the entrance area, and everyone was eating and drinking in the next room where the tables were. I never went in there, and yet my new husband spent most of his time there visiting with friends, along with most of our guests. I felt like a stranger at our own wedding! I think I had a case of severe social anxiety. The idea of being the center of attention scared me so much that I just wilted into the background. It makes me sad when I think back on it all these years later, but the good news is my husband and I have been happily married for almost 36 years, so hey, I did something right! Our son is getting married in two months and I'm hoping I can be a gracious host and have the confidence to greet each guest and enjoy the celebration along with them!

Is it possible to be introverted and a naturist? My wife and I are both introverts, and used to belong to a nudist resort in Oregon. However, we chose to spend time there when there was a minimum of activity. Sometimes, there were crowds from large events, and we'd just stay in our trailer until the day crowd left. Now, we pretty much stay at home, out in the country. We wanted so much to belong, but were overwhelmed with so many people.

Sophia:
You ask some really good questions! As I was reading, I was getting excited that someone is asking these questions!

I have experimented, in part because the perceptions that others had of me in my teens propelled me. It helped, too, when moved to the main campus of a large university with more diversity of people, so the chances increased of being rewarded for my efforts with people I related to more comfortably. I opened myself up and put a lot of work into making friends and cultivating relationships. I found out that I liked meeting people who were different from me, in part because it opened me up to new perspectives. Even then though, I found out that many people still found me to be too "different" for them to handle, and I don't think just extraverts said that.

I think that it also taught me that the degree to which I lean toward introversion is somewhat dependent on my circumstances. Perhaps that's an INFJ/P trait. I suppose that all of life is assessing the pros and cons of how one defines one's self.

This blog post is a few years old, but I just discovered it and felt inspired to reply. First, thank you, Sophia Dembling, for writing this piece. I could relate to almost every situation you described and remember all the times I felt like I was "in competition" with extroverts for rewards. I'm in my 40s now, so I do feel like my education and work experience have afforded me wisdom and confidence I didn't have when I was younger. I know now that I do not have to compete with extrovert for rewards because they are usually not the rewards I want - a party, an awards ceremony, a public-speaking event. The professional "awards" I want is respect from my peers - those individuals who will seek me out for guidance and expertise; a few extra days off in the week to catch up with my aging parents; and a nice corner office with windows. I don't need the fanfare.

As for being acknowledged by strangers, I know I won't win people over with my communication style, and that's fine. I am never rude to anyone, but I don't always set people at ease - my body language may communicate that. If someone wants to create a false narrative about me based one brief, awkward encounter, so be it - I have no interest in speculation.

The only "strangers" who I want attention from is my hair stylist, massage therapist, and personal trainer. While I pay for their services, they reward me with their skills so I can look and feel my best.

Thank you for this article. I'm so glad I'm not alone. I've always felt okay being an introvert until lately... my life has led me to a community and workplace that seems to be full of extroverts. It's made me realize just how introverted I am and it's made me see how much more positively people react to those extroverts than to me. It's made me feel depressed and envious. To answer your question, I feel rewarded by simple things - when someone says hi to me, when someone starts up a conversation with me, when someone just makes me feel liked. Being an introvert I'm always questioning if people like me. :(