Mistakes Introverts Make

Some pitfalls of letting your introversion hold too much power.

Posted Feb 08, 2011

Isolating: Sure, some people need more social interaction than others, but we all need some. Too much isolation is not healthy. I know it's time to leave the house when I start feeling gloomy in my solitude, or like I'm getting weird. Weird is subjective, but when going to the supermarket feels like a major excursion, when I start worrying that I may have lost the ability to converse, when I get furious at near-strangers in my online social networks, I know it's time for face time. I call a friend, do lunch, attend a party...anything to get my social gears cranking again. It needn't be anything deep and meaningful. Just a little something to reconnect me.

Not returning phone calls: Yes, we hate the phone, and it's OK to ask that people respect and honor this. But that doesn't give us carte blanche to ignore phone calls. When someone you care about calls--even if you let it go to voicemail to deal with later--you really should respond at some point. If necessary, drop an e-mail and schedule the call. Otherwise, pick up the phone and dial. You can do it.

OK, if someone obstinately refuses any other form of communication and insists on frequent time-sucking phone calls, then you get some leeway to make your point. Otherwise, be nice. (I learned this lesson after hurting the feelings of a very dear friend.)

Plunging into the deep end: As much as we prefer deep conversation, plunging straight into your worldview over the onion dip at a party can be off-putting to others. Start shallow and ease into the deep if the conversation continues. If you're looking for friends, remember that insta-friendships are rare, and rushing the conversation isn't a shortcut. Friendships build incrementally, and they start with small talk.

Letting your mouth run away with you: Ah, the dreaded babble. It happens. Lots of us chatter when we're nervous. Shy introverts might be prone to this. It's like running down a hill; once you get started, it's hard to slow down. But it also might happen when the subject is something you are particularly passionate about. Either you get caught up in your own enthusiasm, or you burrow deep into your own knowledge and forget to check audience reaction.

If you suddenly realize you've careened into a long monologue, take a breath and look around. Do people appear rapt? Then continue. Do they look slightly pained? My favorite line at that point is, "But don't get me started...." Cue laughter, everything's fine.

Confusing introversion and fear: We all must do things we don't like. That's life. But if you find that you can't bring yourself to do certain things-return a phone call, attend a gathering, join a conversation-then what you're feeling may be fear, not introversion. Fear is a useful emotion, of course, with deep evolutionary roots. But if it interferes with your life and you find yourself regretting things not done, maybe it's time to rummage around in your psyche (one of our favorite activities!) to figure out what you're scared of and how to change that.

Judging: Some introverts insist that parties are pointless, chit-chat is a waste of time, and extroverts are shallow. I neither share nor endorse those opinions. Parties can be joyous, and community ritual has been important throughout history. Chit-chat connects us and greases the gears of society. And while I'm sure some extroverts are shallow, as I'm sure some introverts are (thinking deeply about yourself only does not make you a deep person), a blanket dismissal of extroverts is bigoted and, well, shallow.

Just 'cause I don't like something doesn't mean it's bad.

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I wish

Submitted by Tom on February 9, 2011 - 9:41am

I wish someone could have explained a few of these to me when I was younger, it took until my 20's to work them out for myself (and I'm sure there's a long way to go)

Tom, I share your sentiment.

Submitted by Mary on February 19, 2011 - 11:23am

Tom, I share your sentiment. I just read this and thought, boy if someone had told me this 30 years ago it may have saved me a lot of painful moments; however, the learning was worth it. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin then I've ever been! Looking forward to the rest of the journey.

You're lucky you were only in

Submitted by Anonymous on March 13, 2011 - 8:58pm

You're lucky you were only in your 20s. I was almost 40!

Me too! Almost 38 and just

Submitted by Emma on July 4, 2011 - 7:50am

Me too! Almost 38 and just discovering why I am the way I am! Feel so much better now, this site has changed my life :-)

Frankly, I don't see how this

Submitted by Anonymous on April 13, 2012 - 11:58pm

Frankly, I don't see how this page or any information on it is truly helpful to an introvert. Call it how you will but I'm quite content bypassing or not participating in small talk about weather and onion dip for a meaningful or at least different and stimulating conversation that I haven't had thousands of times in life. Instead of learning life lessons from a less than 2 minute read, pick up a good book, or watch a documentary and become comfortable with your ever turning wheels and let the deep take over. We're a dying breed. Hah, but don't get me started.......Idiots.

RE: Frankly, I don't see how this

Submitted by kcclamb on July 30, 2012 - 2:52pm

I can understand what you are trying to say. I can see why you think that we are a dying breed. I understand the contentment, being happy with doing nothing but going on and on (and on and on...) in a conversation, staying at home with your family. I, however, also see the need to understand how to get along with extroverts. I hate phones, too. Too many "What"'s, "Huh"'s, and "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that"'s. Quality is bad. But it needs done, much to my contempt. It is hard to get involved in small talk. I often find that even wheather becomes an in depth convo. 'cuz I love the rain. But don't get me started on it. I will wind up ranting! haha

I am an extrovert

Submitted by Anonymous on February 9, 2011 - 10:31am

I am a big "E" for sure on the Myers-Briggs. I love reading this blog, however, since my husband and daughter are both introverts. It really gives me perspective on how they think and how to modify my own approaches to make them more comfortable. Now when I see these behaviors ( like the disdain for the phone ), I know and don't push it. Thanks for this.

Perfect Advice

Submitted by Splint Chesthair on February 9, 2011 - 12:32pm

I actually enjoy parties. I like to just hang around and listen to people but I don't talk much so I have to make an effort to be part of the conversation group or I'll get squeezed out because it I'm not participating. I'd be perfectly fine just sitting or standing by myself and listening but then I worry that I look weird.

Also the babbling thing, my level of tolerance for my own babbling is quite low, e.g. I hate it when I tack on a single uneccesary sentence or divulge too much information.

I second that.

Submitted by Gillis on February 10, 2011 - 12:00am

I second your first part here. I'm content to listen and only speak if I have something relevant to contribute.

I'm trying to work on being more social though. The more I do it the easier it is. I still hate the cold open though...being the one who starts the conversation.

Mistakes Introverts Make

Submitted by The Shytrovert on February 14, 2011 - 4:53pm

Third. I would totally go out more if I would just be allowed to hang around, listen and interject if I want to. That said, I much prefer parties with an activity instead of small talk. Dancing, games, anything. I find conversation flows better out of activities performed with others. Small talk alone strikes me as incredibly forced and awkward with a capital A.

I Fourth That!

Submitted by Anonymous on September 1, 2011 - 1:28am

Oh my gosh! Everything, everything!, is how I feel! Can't we just listen and interject like, twice during the entire conversation? If that much? I am so excited to find other people who feel the same way! :D
But imagine if the whole party was made of people like us... I find extroverts to be fun, if they don't expect the wrong things from you.

the intro/extroverts party thing

Submitted by kcclamb on July 30, 2012 - 3:11pm

I would much rather have introverts at a party. The conversations would be more meaningful. More in depth. No one would mind the awkward silences, because everyone knows that means that you are thinking of something WORTH saying. Extroverts are a bit too outgoing, IMO. they talk, sure, but then I find myself on the sidelines, not knowing what to do. Sure, I like hearing the chatter. But that's all it is: chatter. Noise. It's meaningless. (I've written several poems on the silence of noisy chatter and the lonliness in a crowd). Introverts, I think, are totally better. They THINK.

Appearing Aloof

Submitted by AnitaAshland on February 9, 2011 - 1:15pm

Great post. Another mistake I would add is "appearing aloof/intimidating." Even though I'm an introvert there have been many times I haven't approached another introvert or chatted with them because I was intimidated by their aloofness. I've no doubt come across the same way at times. Making an effort to smile or ask the other person a question can help break that aloof facade.

I say once again

Submitted by Sophia Dembling on February 9, 2011 - 1:33pm

My readers rock! Great point!

Aloof vs. Aloft

Submitted by WriterGal on February 22, 2011 - 3:18am

Any tips on how to disengage from all the self-centered babblers I seem to be surrounded by?

enjoy their play a little while

Submitted by Bareheadedwoman on April 14, 2012 - 3:16am

if you could adopt some Shakespearean philosophy, i've found that if you attend their conversations as if you were a bit player in their production, the alternate perspective makes the panorama a little more enjoyable for both parties, and when you've had enough, comment that this was such a breath of fresh air but reluctantly you really must go/do/see...and you DO hope to see/talk to/catch up soon...smile a lot.

they get used to you flitting in and out, count you as a delightful audience while you are there, and don't notice when or how often you are not but you still get the benefit of having built up social capital.

At the risk of seeming "judgmental" or "aloof", i must say that i find playing jane goodall with extroverts a fascinating pastime.

So true! I've had men 10+

Submitted by Emily on February 9, 2011 - 11:51pm

So true! I've had men 10+ years older than me tell me I'm intimidating (if you saw me physically, you'd laugh!) but apparently I tend to give off the same vibe sometimes. :\

So have I! I'm 5 feet tall,

Submitted by Christy on February 13, 2011 - 12:18pm

So have I! I'm 5 feet tall, weigh about 115 pounds, people call me "cute," and I'm often very quiet, so there's really very little about me to be intimidating, but I get that all the time from people a foot taller. It seems quite ridiculous.

ditto

Submitted by Suzanne on February 15, 2011 - 8:29pm

Same here. I think I bend over backwards too much at times to be liked--but still I apparently intimidate people with my quietness. Also the way I look at people. I think introverts have a more probing gaze.

Yet another one who intimidates others!

Submitted by Kelly on February 16, 2011 - 11:41pm

OMG, we should all form a club for people who inexplicably intimidate others! I'm an average-sized woman who intimidates 200-lb men. I have to really work on keeping a pleasant facial expression to appear approachable. I'll never forget how I first learned I suffer from this malady: My uncle was a teacher at my high school, and he told me a few years after I graduated that all the boys had been afraid of me. And there I was, always wondering why none of them asked me out!

The ridiculous intimidated

Submitted by Stephanie on July 1, 2011 - 9:25pm

I agree, what is this intimidated bull about? I was always told how gorgeous I was and the only people that asked me out were nerdy guys who were introverts and other girls who happened to be lesbians or bisexual. The guys I've met since college and now having graduated, they are amazed that I'm single.

I have a feeling narrow minded people are off-put by introverts. But isn't it interesting how being introverted is felt by others in this way? By the sounds of it no matter what we do the intimidated will still find us intimidating. Ridiculous. We need more articles like this.

Intimidator?

Submitted by WriterGal on February 22, 2011 - 3:34am

Touché, Suzanne! But I really think - and I'm easily 55 percent introvert - that the Culture is so extroverted (read: outrageous and contentious) these days that anyone who just listens, observes and sees IS threatening to the loud and insecure folks desperately trying to grab our attention...

scary look

Submitted by Medusa on March 6, 2011 - 3:46am

Suzanne wrote:

Same here. I think I bend over backwards too much at times to be liked--but still I apparently intimidate people with my quietness. Also the way I look at people. I think introverts have a more probing gaze.

I can totaly relate to that! I am often being told that I have scary gaze, of course only by people who have enough self-esteem to touch that subject. They ask me whether I am mad at them or even whether I am feeling well, beacuse I look sick(!). I just find it awful at times. I try to smile, but then it just feels artifical and forced.
If I know someone fairly well, I reassure them that this is simply the way I am and that they shouldn't take it personally, but some of them just keep feeling uncomfortable, which of course I sense and which makes me even more akward and uncomfortable with them.....

My boyfriend is, I think, the only one who actually sees it as an advantage. He often laughs that I have some kind of superpower that makes grown men scared :) and tells me that I am very unique.

Intimidating

Submitted by Paula on March 4, 2011 - 11:12am

My son says that his friends find me intimidating, especially his girlfriends. Reminding myself of my introvert tendencies, I've made a concerted effort to keep my conversation lighter, make more smalltalk and not come across as so serious with his current girlfriend. While I've had some success (she likes me!) it doesn't feel natural and sometimes it's downright awkward and tiring but at least she doesn't think I hate her (as a previous one did). I wish that being introverted didn't equate with aloof, distant and intimidating.

You make it sound like

Submitted by Obtrusive Elusion on June 29, 2011 - 9:01am

You make it sound like introversion is an illness which must be shamefully hidden. If people don't like you for who you genuinely are, then having them like you for who you aren't is not an improvement. It is the people who think you are intimidating that need to alter their attitude, not you. The cultural bias towards extroverted superficiality is crap. We as introverts shouldn't have to apologize to loud noisy people for committing the crime of minding our own business. We need to hold an introverted pride parade, or more appropriately, an introverted stay home alone but know we are united day.

Being Introverted Doesn't Mean We Have To Appear Aloof

Submitted by Anonymous on September 1, 2011 - 1:38am

I love the idea of the Introversion Pride Day :)
But I disagree that she makes it seem like a disease. I'm completely an introvert, but I understand that others might see excessive quietness, listening, and only serious conversation as uncomfortable, to say the least. There's no reason we can't act considerately towards other more extroverted people while still maintaining our introvertedness. We can still prefer to be alone, limit our chitchat, have more serious conversations, and listen more often than extroverts do. But we can also remember to smile, give a compliment or a "how was your day?" or something to make the girlfriend feel welcomed. Introverts can remember not to seem rude.

Kudos!

Submitted by Bareheadedwoman on April 14, 2012 - 3:21am

exactly said. we cannot expect them to be tolerant or understanding of our needs if we cannot be tolerant or understanding of theirs. we need each other for what we all bring to the table.

Obtrusive Illusion:

Submitted by kcclamb on July 30, 2012 - 3:32pm

Said like a true Introvert. And good for you! I agree that people should take you for who you are. Unfortunately, I think that would be introverts who understand that line of thinking, like me. Introverts are whole-hearted and sincere. Yes, extroverts CAN be, but not too many of them. We come off intimidating because when we DO speak, we speak our mind. We don't TRY to fit in and take on another's opinion. They cast us out because they want uniformity. They like sameness. We like originality and the mind. Logic. ThinkING. the unspoken thought. You are right, being the way we are is something to be celebrated.

I know what you mean. I am a

Submitted by Anonymous on March 13, 2011 - 9:00pm

I know what you mean. I am a teeny tiny thing, and yet, people seem to be afraid to approach me! Who knew?

people always find me too intimidating

Submitted by merri on May 9, 2011 - 3:36pm

OOH! My best friend always tells me I look SUPER BORED every time we go out to clubs or parties or bars, even when I'm not even bored, just watching & listening. Even as a teen, people told my mother that my gaze was scary and weird like I was looking into them. And EVERYONE who gets to know me a bit has told me I'm super intimidating & come off as b*tchy. Mind you, I'm female, almost but not quite 5'1 and very small all over. Who could be intimidated by that? Apparently EVERYONE. And the more I remind myself to smile & try to look interested, the faker it looks, and the more b*tchy I seem. :(

This might sound a little

Submitted by Anonymous on February 10, 2011 - 3:20pm

This might sound a little self serving, but honestly, I'm used to adapting to extroverts. I've been conditioned to do it all my life. I know what the expectations are, and my biggest issue is that others don't respect or acknowledge my preferences the way I do theirs. I'm a little tired of always being the one making compromises and adapting.

And I think my biggest and most consistent mistake is not defending my boundaries enough. I'll let transgressions and intrusions go, figuring they'll be over soon enough; but that makes me resentful, it encroaches on my boundaries so the intrusions tend to escalate, and ultimately, I just end up avoiding the transgressors.

For some reason, there are people who need to be told clearly, bluntly, and sometimes repeatedly that it's not OK to, say, narrate movies while people are watching, LIVEBLOG A PRIVATE CONVERSATION TO FACEBOOK without the other party's knowledge (true story!), read through someone else's mail, or turn on their camera to casually scroll through and comment on the photos.

And, of course, the people who do things like that are always disproportionately emotional, so I try to avoid causing them offense, which makes them cry and yell and demand long, boring talks about their feelings. So I either don't say anything at all, I take the shortest route to end the situation (including sometimes pretending to agree with ridiculous things just to end a discussion), or I take on the responsibility, as though there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Oh, you know me, I'm just extra sensitive about that. It's like I'm brain damaged or something!

I really suck at this, but I think those things need to be addressed up front, and without casting yourself as damaged (which just turns you into some nightmarish "project" for the clueless extrovert). So respectively, "Please don't talk during the movie. I'm trying to watch it," go STRAIGHT UP NWA on the liveblogger with "Don't quote me boy, I ain't said [poo poo]," and, "Don't mess with my mail and/or my camera."

I don't make any of those other mistakes, though! Especially not that rambling chattering thing you're talking about. Nosiree, not me, no way ever.

LOL!! Truly laughing out loud

Submitted by Linda on February 13, 2011 - 9:03am

LOL!!

Truly laughing out loud here - thank you for that :)

Extroverts gotta love 'em cause its illegal to

Submitted by The Shytrovert on February 14, 2011 - 7:40pm

..bump 'em off. LOL. Yes! I know these histrionic extroverts of whom you speak. My boss is one. They should be called intruderverts. There is no privacy as far as they are concerned because G-d knows; their lives are an open book.

They're the ones who you sit down with and five seconds later you know their whole life's story. Bless them, but they can be annoying. What I hate the most are the intrusive questions right off the bat. I'm like pardon me; do I know you that well? They're like clones of Dennis the Menace.

My husband is on the borderline. For some reason we sit down to watch a movie and he decides that this is the time to start talking to me about any number of subjects. I find this a perturbation of the enth degree! What I typically do is put the movie on pause. He’s slowly getting the picture. Yes, he’s an extrovert.

parinoid guy

Submitted by Ian Gradwell on May 15, 2011 - 3:56pm

I just met someone who literally still believes that we are still at war against the COMMUNISTS! Talk about INSANE!!!

Is My Printer Still On?

Submitted by WriterGal on February 22, 2011 - 3:40am

I should print this whole conversation and mail it to all my transgressors who think I'm the one with the problem... Teeheehee!

thumbs up to everything

Submitted by Jenell on July 2, 2012 - 10:39am

*thumbs up* to everything you've said..

Say what?

Submitted by RadiantRecluse on February 10, 2011 - 5:11pm

You mean I should be doing more social outings than the weekly grocery shopping?! Wow.

Do I get points, and a get-out-of-attending-a-party-with-no-guilt card, if I am always very friendly, open, and cheerful when I go? Pretty please?

OK....

Submitted by Sophia Dembling on February 11, 2011 - 10:43am

I'll let you off the hook on attending a party, but you are required to get together with a friend. Maybe go to the supermarket together.

Well...

Submitted by RadiantRecluse on February 11, 2011 - 12:24pm

I do actually go every week with my best friend, who also happens to be my husband, but that's probably not what you were thinking? In truth, I've been battling an auto-immune disorder for the past 5 years and driving is difficult, so my Beloved takes me where I need to go. Not the usual circumstances.

Early on I was very ill and housebound and, to help pass the time, I started looking into personality type. I took the Jung test and came out an INFJ, with 100% introversion! That explained so much of why my social-butterfly life was draining me dry.

I've thoroughly enjoyed these past few quiet years, despite the health issues. It feels so good to be comfortable in one's own skin, doesn't it?

But I must say that the weekly shopping IS quite an excursion. For some reason, my One Fantastic Someone (as Anneli Rufus calls The Soulmate) and I come across as extroverted (not true for either of us) and deeply interested in other people (that's true for both of us) despite our outward reserve. Employees and fellow shoppers alike stop to chat. Last time there, a sweet young clerk came up behind me, took hold of my arm, and said she just had to make sure that she didn't miss saying 'hello' to us, because we're 'famous' there. (Infamous perhaps?) What tickles us the most is that most folks accuse us of being newlyweds, when in fact we've been married 31 years. One woman said that we 'bring hope' to young people today.

So I might not get out much, but the brief moments of happiness that I can give to others in my small world is enough for now.

Now, what did you say about the dreaded babble?

well, as I say

Submitted by Sophia Dembling on February 11, 2011 - 12:27pm

"Feeling weird" is subjective. Sounds like you are getting the interaction you need to stay in balance. And yes, it feels good to know oneself!

Congratulations

Submitted by Mars Venus Coaching on March 2, 2011 - 9:20pm

Congratulations RadiantRecluse on 31 years of marriage to your sweet heart. Don't you love being an NF?

One of the most important things I think we all often forget when we first begin having trouble communicating, is that we often communicate in the style that is most comfortable for us especially when we're in a new situation or are stressed out, usually with little knowledge of either the other person's personality style, but also their communication style based on their gender. People who prefer being introverted, because they (me too!) get their energy from within themselves, rather than from social interactions with others--we are very aware of having to adapt and communicate in an extroverted manner.

Did you know that we also communicate differently based on our gender? And, when we are stressed out, our differences become even more apparent? For men under stress going into their cave or creating space allows them to reduce their stress and replenish their testosterone. For stressed out women, we physiologically need to connect, ask questions, and talk with others to work through all the dynamics. This is how women reduce stress and increase their oxytocin! A few years ago we knew that men and women communicate for different reasons. Now we know the research behind why we have different communication styles, and preferences in coping with stress too.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Grocery shopping? I make my

Submitted by Anonymous on March 13, 2011 - 9:02pm

Grocery shopping? I make my husband do that...

Why is always about the

Submitted by Anonymous on February 13, 2011 - 3:56am

Why is always about the mistake introverts make... what makes extroverts so great?

this one's for you

Submitted by Sophia Dembling on February 13, 2011 - 11:14am

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201001/itll-be-fun-and-other-extrovert-lies

Because (1) there are more of

Submitted by Anonymous on February 13, 2011 - 11:23am

Because (1) there are more of them, and (B) they're doing the talking.

lololololololol

Submitted by mick on February 28, 2011 - 2:16pm

lolol

It's not always about the mistakes introverts make

Submitted by Christy on February 13, 2011 - 12:29pm

I appreciate this blog post because it balances out all the previous posts so well. This blog has focused on all the wonderful things that make us introverts wonderful in a world that tries to force us to be extraverted, so having just one that acknowledges that we have failings too is very valuable. Surely we don't want to get full of ourselves. That makes us as bad as people who try to force us to be other than we are.

Joking aside...

Submitted by RadiantRecluse on February 14, 2011 - 6:54am

I appreciated this post as a welcome reminder that sometimes we can make things harder for ourselves; and sometimes, when it's painful to be an introvert, we can justify treating others badly. There is so much encouragement and support at The Introvert's Corner to be true to our nature and comfortable in our own skin. The occasional reminder that we, too, can be rude and hurt others and judge poorly, in other words 'human,' is a helpful check on our behavior, especially when it feels like we need to be on the defensive frequently to protect our space and might not see clearly what we're doing.

Perfect timing!

Submitted by MarieInVa on February 15, 2011 - 5:58am

I woke this morning thinking, "Right. It's time I get some face time with people; I'm feeling a little edgy, and lonely, so it's time to venture out, especially since we are having beautiful weather this week."

This morning, I came across you article (via Stumble Upon), and it's exactly what I could relate to. I adore my solitude, and have learned to accept people just think I'm strange for being an introvert, but there are times when I know have to get out and chat with people. Oddly enough, it's exactly when I know I need to get out and interact with others, I find it the easiest time to mix and mingle. Go figure!

Great article, and thank you!

God, what a load of rubbish

Submitted by CeeBee on February 15, 2011 - 7:27am

God, what a load of rubbish about how one "should" or "should not" behave. I don't even bother to think about whether I am an introvert or extrovert. I just plunge right in, and if people don't like me then that's just tough. I am determined to stand up and be counted no matter what, so as far as I'm concerned, this article just doesn't cut the mustard and is a neurotic waste of time.

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Sophia Dembling is a Dallas-based writer and the author of Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After.

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Mistakes Introverts Make

Some pitfalls of letting your introversion hold too much power.

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