Introverts and Extroverts in Love

Those tips are great, really. But they all assume that the extrovert will understand the introvert, which usually isn't the case. The extroverted spouse, unless he or she is has exceptional empathic capabilities, just thinks the introverted spouse is shy or cold or arrogant, and resentment festers. At least this is what happened to me when I was married to an extrovert. Most of our arguments - whatever their original cause - ended with him berating me for not having many friends. I'm married to a kindred introvert now, and infinitely happier.

I had a lot of problems with my introverted girlfriend who was a great person most of the time. I actually like introverts (they are a broad group, not all the same) even though I am a very extroverted guy. If the introvert is emotionally stable and secure, not needy but understanding it could be fine. I found that there was too much silence, a sense of neglectful coldness, a siege mentality and little room for growth. We all have problems in life but I feel that both the introvert and the extrovert need to be stable and mature to work on their patterns. A difficult balance is not helped by further issues thrown into the mix. If a lot of time is to be spent at home the resources need to be there to meet the needs of both and that may mean both partners need to make a solid financial contribution to construct a mutual base together.

As a man who charges into the world, I found it hard to be with someone who receded from it and turned inwards. Next time I will probably be heading for a little more extroversion.

Kelly, I don't think having few friends is a problem. It is the quality of them that matters. Cold and arrogant is an extravert perception, not a reality, and I have a friend who has the same problem. I became resentful and angry in the end so I left. It might be fine if the extrovert is allowed to go out and get on as normal and the introvert stays in. Introverts who stay in and expect their partners to do so should pick another introvert as it will be the only long-term option. I would also suggest very different employment and an appreciation of the other partners interests.

I am a slightly introverted extrovert whereas my boyfriend is a slightly extroverted introvert. Before, I used to try to get him to go out more, meet people etc etc because I genuinely believed that there was something wrong with him and I was trying to make him feel better the only way I know how.
However, reading this blog made me realised that his mind actually works differently to mine and has helped our relationship loads. I try to accept him now and try to make him feel proud of who he is.

But there is one big thing i have not yet worked out - excitement! I love the feeling of fun and excitement when im bouncing around and doing silly things. He, of course, hates it and as a result, although we get on well, my time with him seems less exciting and less 'high octane' than with my extroverted friends. Is there a solution where both introverts and extroverts can have a really satisfying time together? Please help Sophia!

It simply sounds like you have it worked it out well together, Sophia. Stable extroverts and introverts may well have a good relationship. What happens though when the introvert is unstable? Or maybe the extrovert?

Regards,

Stewart

Sophia,

I couldn't find an email address for you, so I thought I'd post this link here. I hope that's okay:

Researchers Find Differences In How The Brains Of Some Individuals Process The World Around Them

http://www.physorg.com/news189428801.html

The article is about research regarding how the brains of "introverts" and "extroverts" process information differently!

I have been reflecting on some of my ex-girlfriends and family with regards to introversion. My sister was one and turned out to be the most sadly missed person in my life. I have had some extremely nice introvert girlfriends.

With regards to what I wrote above I think there were far greater issues with my last partner than simple introversion. I suspect a narcissistic disorder so this would colour the waters a great deal. A needy, lonely introvert with self-esteem problems does not work well.

I am very much an introvert, I need at least an hour, preferably more, alone each day to stay sane. If circumstances hinder that for even a few days, I get antsy. You know how it is, I guess.

My former girlfriend was also introverted (I guess she still is), in some senses more than me. Even I got bored when we've had no visitors at all for about six months (except maybe her parents). I'm no life-of-the-party but I do have some friends I'd like to meet now and then.

Also, it turned out that her definition of "alone time" was "alone with family" (i.e. me and, later, our daughter) and she was seriously hurt by my need to be alone from them as well. (My own definition of "alone time" is being, well, alone.)

In the end, a part of the reason our love died was this difference. We talked about it several times, that I could spend more time with her if I could get some time alone, both would get more of what they wanted (instead of me trying to avoid her because I could not get recharge time and my nerves were on the outside of my skin) but it never seemed enough for either of us and after some years resentment set in and about half a year ago, we finally decided to move apart.

In some sense, my current life is actually ideal, half the week I am a single-parent (we share custody), focusing on my daughter, and the other half I'm gloriously alone and can recharge enough for the rest.

This is an interesting topic for me--and one that's been on my mind for a long time.

I'm divorced and for the last 5 months have been living with my cousin and her husband.

She is an extrovert--and her husband is an introvert. In fact, she seems to surround herself with introverts for psychological reasons I won't go into.

In this situation, the introvert/extrovert schism is more pronounced because she has deep psychological issues and they do get expressed in an extrovert vein...namely volatility and lacking empathy about other people's comfort.

If she were normal I'd see how they balanced each other out. Her husband has good social skills and knows when he's had enough social stimulation.

I tend to get involved with introverts because I enjoy connecting at a deeper level--and often don't find that with extroverts. I'm very much into myers briggs personality types and accept that a deeply empathic extrovert would be beneficial for me.

Still...I connect more naturally with introverts. Preferably moderate ones.

It's interesting how introversion expresses itself differently in people. I happen to be quite social--and enjoy small groups of people--lie 2-8. I am most at ease and confident in that scenario.

I've made it a point to be frank about this. I just let people know that large groups of strangers makes my skin crawl--and I'm at my best in smaller groups. Case closed, no apologies. lol!

Being a real extrovert has real stresses as well. I need people, like groups and enjoy crowds. Obviously we like a rest and some peace and quiet but a wide range of social contacts is important. The phone hums a lot.

I sympathise with introverts and can understand that I may be annoying. The best situation is if I avoid extreme introverts. It does not work. However, there are many great people that are quiet and they may be pretty understanding and balanced emotionally. A degree of introversion is often a pleasant trait.

I wonder how many introverts have more serious issues as a result of misunderstanding and lack of appreciation of their nature.

Greetings, I just found this page by googling "social interaction exhausts me." I was curious to see what would come up in the results. Well, thank God for this page. I never realized introversion was a clinical topic, I thought it was an adjective similar to "shyness."

Well, having been an active alcoholic (and unknown to me, an introvert) married to a drinking (but not an alcoholic) extrovert for 12 years, I can say that things can get rather complicated when we try to compensate for introversion. I'm curious to see if anyone else out there has tried to compensate and found themselves an alcoholic, married to someone "to bring them out of their shell," or medicated with anti-depressants? I've now been sober for nearly 5 years, divorced for nearly 4 years, and off my anti-depressants for 2 months. I now find this page and it all starts to make sense...and I feel fine about myself -- and much less confused. I'm not the only one who feels a distinct NEED to recharge after interacting with other people. I'm not the only one who, upon having children couldn't handle all sorts of social interactions any more....because I was using my energy interacting with my kids! I'm not the only one who felt berated by a caring yet confused extrovert for not being social, or for being a bit too "intense" when I did socialize. I still have some adjusting to do, but having it all start to "fall into place" really helps. Thanks, dudes and dudettes!

I am married to a man who is more extroverted than me, although still an introvert. He likes to spend lots of time with his family and his group of friends; which would be fine by me, if I weren´t expected to come along. Since he was a boy his family has been going to the same place on vacation every year, and he has a valued group of friends there, which he only gets to see then. So when we got married I agreed to spend our vacation there. It was a nightmare!!! Although I like his friends and I find it fun to hang out with them for a few hours each day; and I love his family as well, I couldn´t stand feeling the obligation to spend most of the day with them. His friends like to hang out in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening; and it got so boring for me... I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to stay at the house we rented most of the day, doing things on my own or go for a walk alone with my husband; but people couldn't understand that, they probably though I was weird at least I felt that, I felt a huge amount of pressure to behave as people expected me to. After a few days of this, I had what I believe was a full blown panic attack, when we went to hang out by the pool one afternoon. I just couldn't take it any more, all these people I barely knew and was expected to interact with all day, everyday... After some time alone I was able to calm down and have fun with these people, when I am well I am actually pretty talkative and bubbly... But I felt trapped, being there, I couldn't find my space to be alone. The second year wasn't much better... Now this year I will not go. If my husband wants to go spend some time with his friends and family, that's fine for me. I would like to go and stay 4-5 days, but more than that is just too much for me to handle... So, it is hard to manage these introversion/extroversion differences, even if they are not so big. I think it is one of the main problems in relationships.
But I would like to add something more: my extended family is composed mainly of extroverts, they like to all get together and have parties. For me it is an ordeal to go to these parties. They are always pushing me to visit more often, and they really believe something is wrong with me for not wanting to hang out more with people. Once at Christmas, I ended up crying while my aunt was telling me how much I was flawed. When you are in a bad relationship you may leave. But as a child growing up, there is not much you can do about your extroverted family who believes there is something wrong with you.

Hi Sophia, these are wonderful tips! Thanks for sharing these. I think that even if couples are both extroverts or introverts, the tips you gave should be kept in mind by couples who want to make their relationship work. In my opinion, it goes beyond personality types; I think it boils down to giving respect to one's partner. It's all about being able to empathize whether one is an introvert or an extrovert.

I can relate to what Sophia said about introverts being told that their way is wrong. My mother made comments about my 'quietness' and my lack of friends when I was growing up. Strangely enough my mother is also an introvert and enjoys her own company but I don't think she had that level of understanding and empathy about the introvert/extrovert preferences. The comments made me even more uncomfortable in social situations as an adult as I assumed people were judging me if I didn't contribute much. I only occasionally get people comment on my shyness or quietness in group situations and I do find it irritating because it feels like I'm being judged - however, at work I try and be a bit more 'E' especially in meetings.
I see myself as a medium introvert as I do enjoy socialising every now and then and seeing my friends but prefer small groups and one-to-ones. I now understand that it is completely ok to be the way I am but it's sometimes hard in certain situations that are out of my comfort zone. I feel lost in a crowd in large groups and certainly wouldn't give a solo performance. I think the older I get the easier it gets though because I'm getting more comfortable with who I am and I understand others more.
One question - when I do get people making those comments like 'you're a bit shy aren't you' how should I respond/react?

Not me, I'm an introvert. This is from my bosses 17 year old daughter.

She's an extrovert all the way. Comes into my little office and talks to me about her life. She's fun to be around, and I like some extroverts for that reason....because some of them are so outgoing and friendly = likable.

When I told her I was gonna go home and sleep after work, and that I get 7-8 hours a day, she exclaimed how lucky I was and wished she could do that. She never seems to have free time because of all her activities and indicated that she sometimes had a stressful life with little downtime. At 17 years old I was cruising around and having fun with friends and enjoying no stress.

My wife, an extrovert, and I, and introvert, have been happily married for more than 40 years. One key is working out a mutually satisfactory modus vivendi -- I go to some of the events she wants to go to to keep her happy, and we stay home from some of them to keep me happy. Another key is enjoying each other's company enough that you don't constantly need other people's company.

My partner is very extraverted (though more contained now as he moves to late middle age) and I'm very introverted. We have been together just over 4 years now and we both have a good understanding of the impact of this difference. We also move at very different speeds - he is energised by anything happening in his environment and if something isn't happening he's likely to create it. I, on the other hand, would opt for perfect stillness in my environment if such a thing were possible. He's noisy in many things he does, whereas I strive to be as quiet as possible. He talks out his ideas, I process mine internally first. We have managed to work all this out and he understands when I ask for quiet. But the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is when he walks into a room where I am, with either the radio or the television on, and he immediately says, "What's this about?" I want to retort, "Just listen and you'll find out!". Fortunately most of the time I don't. But sometimes I do say, "Mmmm, don't know, I was lost in my thoughts." So he has to wait and listen if he wants to find out.

Your "Set Guidelines for Socializing" rule is spot-on. My husband is an extrovert and I'm an introvert, and we were married for several years before we finally had the "Socializing Guidelines" talk. Prior to that, our vacations always managed to be with friends, or visiting friends (and staying in their homes, which I cannot stand because there's never a quiet, private moment to be found). Also, we seemed to have guests three our of four weekends a month because he has so many friends and we live in a beautiful, somewhat touristy area.

After the talk: Vacations are us-only. We can have a few long weekends a year where we visit and/or travel with friends, but the *real* vacations must be friend-free. We can have weekend guests once a month. (This is too much for me, but it's a compromise.)

I wish we'd had this talk much sooner. It would have saved me a lot of self-doubt, resentment, and frustration!

I agree on the “Guidelines for Socializing” as well. It is SO accurate. My fiancé and I do have some guidelines.

He is outgoing and well-liked. He understands that I have limits to the level of socializing he likes. His preference would be that I attend most or all social gatherings with him, even if I am just a spectator, like watching his baseball games, etc.

There is another article about when it is time to leave a party. This is something we discuss before we go out because if we don’t, we will be there MUCH longer than expected because he will continue to socialize. We decide on signals that I will give when it is time to go. This has worked, but every once in a while, he is so distracted and into the scene, I have to try a few times.

And yes, he does go to some social gatherings or events without me when I do not want to attend. Frequently, this works because I need my downtime and I need to be in the right state of mind when he comes home excited to tell me about his day or event.

My concern is that he might be spreading himself too thin and that he might need to put parameters around different levels of friendships (if that makes sense). For example, he did not invite some of his more recent friends to our upcoming wedding and they are offended. He had family obligations and some older out-of-town friends who were invited so he had to make some hard decisions. I think his newer friends are aware of other local friends who have been invited and they do not know why they did not make the cut off. He hangs around many of the "newer" friends and they typically attend each other's events, but this time, he could not include them all. When he found out the uninvited friends were unhappy with him, he was so hurt and upset. I tried to make him feel better and told him to just explain the situation.

If he did not seem so wounded by it, I would be less concerned. Now he is really watching the invites to see if he can somehow include them.

It also seems that he never feels he can have too many friends or maybe that he does not have enough? For a while, I noticed when his friends would move out of town, it seemed that he would try to find others to recreate the social situations he was used to having with those who left. It was as if he looked to immediately replenish himself with more friends.

While I find all of this advice terrific, I feel I need a little more.

I am an introvert who has many extraverted qualities. However, I still hate to be center of attention and I don't thrive well in larger groups. My boyfriend is an extravert with introverted qualities. He needs time to wind down, but when we are out with friends, he takes up all of the space in the room and must be center of attention. He gets really frustrated that I want him to introduce me to people, even if I don't know a single person there. If I become shy or quiet, he keeps talking to everyone else and literally turns his back to me, making it hard for me to enter the conversation on my own. When I tried to ask him if he could try to introduce me next time, and try to include me in the conversation, he said that I "didn't want to be in the conversation" so he turned his back and ignored me. This wasn't at all true! I just didn't know how to jump in when the group had literally edged me out.

He has a work retreat that we must attend this weekend. It will be all weekend long and there will be many situations where I, literally, will not know anyone except him. How can I prepare myself so that I can overcome my shyness and try to be as outgoing as possible? I am trying so hard to be understanding of his need to socialize with many people; it's fine with me. But, I am scared I'll be left to fend for myself at this work retreat and will end up exhausted. Any advice on how I can deal with this situation with him? I feel if I try to talk to him ahead of time he may feel I'm attacking him. Might you have any advice on how to engage people I don't know, so that maybe I will not need my boyfriend to introduce me to everyone?

The comments here are interesting. As an introvert who is mostly attracted to the loudest person in the room and who has been dating/living with an extrovert for 4 years, the biggest issue has been learning how to communicate during an argument. When I am upset about something, he wants me to just say whatever I feel - just lay it out there. He doesn't understand that I need to process how I feel first and then put that into words. From his perspective, he thinks that I am shutting down and not willing to work on the issue. Over time, we've been able to adjust to each others styles. He gives me alone time to work the issue out first, and I try to verbalize what I'm thinking as much as possible. The most important aspect of this that carries over to other parts of our relationship is mutual respect for each other and our willingness to try to see things from the other person's perspective.

Great article. Please proofread before posting. Don't you have copy editors?

I'm a slightly extroverted introvert married to a serious introvert.

By slightly extroverted, I mean that I enjoy getting together with a small group of people, and am comfortable if I don't know some of them as long as I know one or two of them. I like to travel and go to concerts, picnics, gatherings at people's houses (as long as it's not a huge group), in fact I need to do these things. But then I need to come home and regroup, and will be perfectly content to spend days by myself before I do so again.

My husband on the other hand, would be happy to never leave the house, and if he does leave prefers to do the same things we always do because it's comfortable. He doesn't like to travel, go to concerts, go to gatherings, picnics, etc. He's a tinkerer and can always find something to occupy his time.

We've been married for 27 years and are quite content. When I get the itch to step over to the extroverted side, I do so with his blessing and he stays home and does whatever he likes. We both respect each others need to do different things, and realize that the differences are what make us click. It works for us and it's quite lovely.

Just recently I realized that I was an introvert. All my life I've felt inferior and incapable to cope with society. Particularly, I always found it difficult to make platonic girl friends. Meeting the opposite sex was always off to a great start in a friendly relationship, but when I would invite them to occasions where it would require only one-on-one conversations, they would always end up changing the plans last minute. They saw my introversion as a sign that I wanted to be alone with them because I wanted to "make a move" or "be romantic", but they did not know that I just wanted to chill. You all know what I mean. Just be. Take a walk, get some tea. Whichever activity that doesn't come with a third wheel. Any advice?

Hi ALfonso,
You are probably right that these girls think you are hitting on them when you suggest hanging out with them alone. It sounds a bit too intense. Try suggesting lightly to go get a cup of coffee and explain to them that you have the best conversations and feel most relaxed one on one. I think it is important to explain to others who we are and what we are thinking - its both unrealistic and unfair to expect others to read our minds.

Hi ALfonso,
You are probably right that these girls think you are hitting on them when you suggest hanging out with them alone. It sounds a bit too intense. Try suggesting lightly to go get a cup of coffee and explain to them that you have the best conversations and feel most relaxed one on one. I think it is important to explain to others who we are and what we are thinking - its both unrealistic and unfair to expect others to read our minds.

I so completely relate to what you say. You probably will not read this, so I'm writing mostly for myself and others like me who will come to this great discussion and find some comfort.My former boyfriend was a big extrovert who liked to spend a large part of his leisure time with his friends and this difference in our personalities was amongst the chief destabilizing factors in our relationship which eventually broke down.

I think I'm falling in love with someone very extroverted and I'm trying to find ways to bridge this difference. This is what brought me to this article and discussion.

Like you, I too am from a rather gregarious family and my introversion has always been judged - but I don't really care with my family.

Like you, I think I'll be ok if I'm not expected to be as outgoing as my partner. Find a middle ground - where I try to be a little more extroverted and she a bit more introverted maybe. Oh wow but 4-5 days of merry making scares me frankly. Maybe I could carry 'unavoidable' work to trips like that. Or arrange to have to leave in 2-3 days. Also try and ignore the imagined or real judgement of my need to be alone or my awkwardness- I honestly don't understand judgement of awkwardness. People are all kinds and awkward people make the world rich and varied :-) Also maybe connect one on one-- that what worked when I went to a trip with a set of new friends (ha ha! even my own friends), this is what made me feel less 'left out' of things - I sneaked people off with me.

Most of all if the extroverted partner can reassure the introverted one that they don't miss too much a partner who shares in something that brings them that much joy - this I'd personally want very much.

I have heard the terms extroverted and introverted my whole life, but had not really read about them until recently. I am an extroverted woman married to a introvert. When we first got married, he didn't seem AS introverted as he is now...20+ years into marriage. Like the descriptions say, I'm always trying to get him to go do "social" things, but he rarely wants to. The problem with going alone (like I have seen suggested) is that it's hard to go solo to events with couples....it's almost like, "What is she doing here alone?? Is she making a move on my husband or what??". I don't know..it's just strange!! It just seems like our differences in personalities is becoming more and more glaring as time goes on. I should also mention that we have a teenage child who is also an introvert. Needless to say, my house is VERY quiet!! I'm just having a hard time coping with being lonely because I don't get any real socialization. I don't feel right going alone.