1) for other people's parties, always have a planned time of departure. if i'm having fun i can stay longer, but knowing i have a plan to leave gives me a sense of control.
2) party buddy: either come with a friend (best) or find one or two congenial people and sit quietly. no forced mingling!
3) find a comfortable spot and settle in. the kitchen is my favorite: almost everybody will find their way in at some point, so i can get a look at them all, but i feel less pressure to relate in any particular way. also, after a few minutes i know where things are and i can be helpful to drink/glass/ice seekers, which allows me to be part of things without feeling overwhelmed.
Introversion
Party Survival Tactics for Introverts
It's time for introverts to review all their party-survival tactics.
Posted Nov 20, 2009
THE BASICS

Still, a party is a party and I anticipated this party with the usual combination of pleasure, high anxiety, and pre-emptive exhaustion. But this time, while I prepared the food, I also prepared myself, thinking about how I could manage my psychic energy.
Because I went into the party conscious of my energy, an interesting thing happened: I was talking to a guest, someone I didn't know well, and suddenly realized that my energy was shooting every which way. Some was going into my conversation, yes. But I also was conscious of other conversations around me. I was aware of my husband manning the barbecue. I was wondering about guests who hadn't arrived yet. Keeping an eye on the dog. Thinking about running back into the house for ... what? I didn't even know.
No wonder social events exhaust me! My poor brain, accustomed to the quiet focus of solitude, wasn't processing my environment efficiently. It was trying to absorb and interpret too much, giving me that familiar my-head-might-explode feeling.
But this time, as soon as I became aware of my scattered energy, I tried to gather it in and focus entirely on the conversation at hand.
Immediately, calm settled over me. I looked at the woman talking to me, who a moment earlier was irritating as a buzzing fly, and became interested in what she was saying. The rest of the party receded to the background and managed to function without me for the ten minutes I permitted myself to focus. And with my psychic energy ratcheted down, I was infinitely more relaxed than I had been a minute earlier.
Hm. That's a good trick: When suffering from sensory overload, focus on something manageable. One conversation. Another weapon in my arsenal of party-survival tactics.
Yeah, I have a few party tricks up my sleeve, don't you? For example, admit it: At some point at a party, you've gone into the bathroom not because nature called, but for a moment of quiet solitude. Closing that bathroom door in that small, silent room ... ahhhhh. It's a whole different kind of relief. I know one woman who admits to shutting herself in the bathroom--at her own parties and others'--and reading.
Actually, I'm currently reading The Introvert Advantage and was tickled to find that author Marti Olsen Laney starts her chapter about socializing with an anecdote about a mid-party retreat to the bathroom.
Speaking of books, snooping in other people's bookcases is a good way to check out of the chitchat. (Snooping in other people's medicine cabinets, however, is not good form, no matter how much time you spend in the bathroom.) Sometimes I even just pretend to look at the books so I can turn my back on the party for a minute and give my brain a break.
If all else fails, I'll step outside for a moment of peace. Actually, in some ways it is my need for party escape that has prevented me from completely and entirely giving up the nasty cigarette habit. I'm still a smoking hobbyist because I like stepping out for a smoke during parties. It's dark and quiet outside there and at most, you might become part of a small (and ever-shrinking) party subset: the smokers/pariahs. I know, I know. Not a good reason to keep smoking but would someone please come up with an alternative?
I also have strategies for extended get-togethers, especially if I'm a house guest or have house guests. For example, one of my Thanksgiving traditions is a long morning walk. I do it not just for the exercise, but for some calm before the social storm. I always pack walking shoes for extended family visits because when I need alone time, I can cite my need for exercise and step out without risk of causing offense. I can buy a full hour of solitude that way and get a little exercise as well.
I've also found, oddly enough, that knitting helps keep some personal space in my brain during those family-just-sittin'-around times. I can remain cognizant of everything happening around me and participate, but the little task engages the wandering part of my mind and somehow approximates solitude in a crowd. I'm not exactly sure why this bit of voodoo works for me, but it does.
What are your party survival tactics? Now's the time to share them, as we careen into the festive season.
--
What is energy directed outward? Or inward? We know what we think we mean when we talk about such things, but how do you measure them in a way that scientists can get a grip on? Nobody has figured that out yet.
Copyright 2009 Sophia Dembling
party tricks of an introvert
Kitchen Party
I love number three. I read once that at every party there are actually two parties; the one in the living room, and the one in the kitchen, and the one in the kitchen is always better. I have found this to be true! Great tips.
finding your spot
Great tips! I also tend to find a place and settle in--everyone is bound to drift by at some point. It's like inertia mingling.
Being an introvert at college! Yikes!
I'm a freshman in college and this is my biggest struggle. I'm what you might call a "bubbly introvert." When with a few friends I'm extremely talkative and enjoy their company. It's when they start coming to my dorm room and asking me when I'll be ready to go that I lose all my energy just thinking about it! My idea of an excellent friday night is cozying up on my futon with a good book or movie and blogging of course :)
Here's a question I need answering...
I am tempted much of the time to resort to alcohol so that parties aren't the death of me. "Pre-gaming" has been a sort of life savor for me. I get to the party and my inhibitions are already gone and I don't mind "mingling." What to do!?
Thanks guys!
Anonymous, Do you find that
Anonymous,
Do you find that as an introvert you're also concerned with the issue of self-control?
I find myself not drinking more than a glass or two of wine mainly to avoid losing control around complete strangers. Normally I would prefer to let go but in such situations I take this quality as a positive because it helps keep me in check. When I start feeling a bit tipsy I start imagining that I'll make a fool of myself and that makes me withdraw from the booze. I don't know, different strokes for different introverts I suppose.
Just concerned with keeping friends...
Hmm...not so much. It's more like, I want to be with my friends and they get frustrated when I bail early so I figure, why not drink a lot and stay? I know it's not a healthy way to cope with my introverted personality but I haven't figured out any other ways that truly keep me at a party and I'm at that awkward age where parties are the focus.
The interesting thing is, even when I'm drunk, I'm still totally introverted! My friends will want to go from party to party and even then I want to go back to my room!
ugh...
keeping friends
Yeah, your age might be a factor--not only are parties a focus but so is, to a certain extent, conforming with peers. Do you think your friends really would reject you if you bail from parties when you want to? In a way, they might just be looking for validation of their own choices. I think many of us, to a certain extent, feel like the decisions other people make are commentary on our own decisions.(I have to fight this tendency in myself.) It seems possible some of them get frustrated with you because they feel insecure about their own partying.
You could try experimenting with leaving the next few parties when you really want to. If your friends dump you, then perhaps they are not the right friends for you. My guess is that some might dump you, some will meet you halfway (happy to have you there, supportive of your decision to leave when you're ready), some might even be relieved that you have blazed an introvert trail for them. If you read the comments people leave on this blog you'll see that a lot of people are relieved to find others who feel as they do. I'm sure that will apply to some of your friends, too. Then you can start having introvert-friendly get-togethers with them. I love having meals with friends, at home or at restaurants, where we can just sit and talk.
Going from party to party sounds awful to me and it always has. One party in one night is more than enough!
I have one friend in
I have one friend in particular who is often hurt when I bail on her. She thinks I just don't want to hang out with her and has labeled me her most "unreliable" friend. This is partly my fault. I have the unfortunate tendency to say yes to everything she asks me to do and then end up canceling. I don't know why but it's like an impulse to just say yes right away and then text her later telling her I'm tired or have to much homework, etc. I don't want to be that unpredictable, unreliable friend in her life...I have a feeling she's starting to back off.
You are definitely right about my friends feeling insecure about their own partying and I probably shouldn't try to conform so hard.
A therapist I was seeing recommended 'The Introvert Advantage' to me and it couldn't have made things anymore clearer about myself. I told my friend about the book and explained how introverted I was. She laughed at me and said 'You're the most out-going person I know." So it's sort of difficult to get her to understand...
canceling plans
I think realizing that we have limited need for socializing helps us to say "no" sooner. Or, say "Let me think about it," before you say yes and get back to her later with an answer. That way you're not just giving a knee-jerk "yes".
If you cancel at the last minute a lot, that would bother me, too. It's not nice to mess with someone else's schedule.
I had a friend who used to hurt my feelings all the time when I would invite him to do something and he said "no, thanks." But then I realized how liberating that was--it meant I was free to say "no" too. He did me a favor.
yep, I've got lots to work
yep, I've got lots to work on.
yep, I've got lots to work
yep, I've got lots to work on.
I'm in college too!
I am the same age as you are, and so I know exactly how you feel. My bestfriend thinks I bail on her all the time but in reality, I just prefer a night in most days. It is pretty tough explaining to other people, so I usually just miserably go through with the plans they set up. So, I feel your pain! :)
Erika Blue
college introvert
Definitely a click of recognition here. You sound like me in college--and sometimes now. People assume I'm quite an extrovert--and I am more than I was in college, especially given that I'm a college teacher!--but I experienced that same tension you're expressing (and did a little drinking to loosen myself up sometimes). Recognize, by the way, that you're drinking for the same reason most college students drink (for better or worse--usually worse). The anxiety may lessen as you age; but it will always more fun to be with people you know. So try to hang with a large group of friends. Then your bailing becomes less of an issue.
Similar Shoes
When I first went to college I had a similar problem. I was a devout non-drinker, or smoker, or druggie, but many of the people on my campus were not. I would often make friends in classes or in my dorm and when those people found out that I didn't do those things suddenly they wouldn't talk to me anymore. After I spent an entire year beating myself up and thinking it was my fault I ran into a friend from high school who did all those things and was still my friend. She stayed with me, supported me, and was willing to do things that I could handle with me and let me interact how I could the rest of the time. At the end of the 2nd year we both left, having decided that the extroverted but rather shallow campus wasn't a good place for either of us.
Anyway, the point is that I know it doesn't feel like it, but there are people out there who will let you not drink (or not drink much), be an introvert, and still be your friend. If you haven't met them yet, keep heart and keep looking.
Good luck!
High School Reunion
At my last high school reunion, I appointed myself the unofficial photographer and had a blast. I took more pictures than anyone else and they were generally the best shots of the night. Best of all, I didn't get bored and leave after 30 minutes - as I would have without the camera in front of me.
having a job
That's a fantastic tip!
In a way, it's like my knitting or being hostess--we like having something to do aside from socializing. And you had something to show for it at the end. Plus, with the camera, you could speak to many people and have a reason to end conversations when you wanted to.
Anonymous, Do you find that
Anonymous,
Do you find that as an introvert you're also concerned with the issue of self-control?
I find myself not drinking more than a glass or two of wine mainly to avoid losing control around complete strangers. Normally I would prefer to let go but in such situations I take this quality as a positive because it helps keep me in check. When I start feeling a bit tipsy I start imagining that I'll make a fool of myself and that makes me withdraw from the booze. I don't know, different strokes for different introverts I suppose.
Woops, I replied to the wrong
Woops, I replied to the wrong anonymous!
the drinking thing
Yeah, you're not alone on that drinking thing. In fact, when I interviewed Dr. Helgoe, she said that came up with patients in her clinical practice. I will pursue this further in a later post, talking to someone who knows more than I do.
I'm a pretty controlled drinker (two glasses of wine make me loopy) but I've certainly tippled past my comfort point in social situations. It helps at the time, but I get all anxious later, when I think back on the evening.
Speaking as a lay-introvert, I think a glass of wine or equivalent before you hit a party is OK. But it's up to us (with the help of good friends, I suppose) to recognize when it's becoming too much of a crutch, or when the morning afters aren't worth it.
I get anxious as well!
I get anxious as well! Frustrating! I can't wait to hear more about this topic.
The party problem
If I'm at a party (this happened to me once) I try to sit with friends that I know that way I am occupied. However, once they start to leave I look for a way out (and that works when I see other people are leaving, Although after that party I felt very lonely & withdrew inside (I found other ways to deal with that now but still that's why I hate parties)
hanging with friends
I do that too--hang with friends and then leave when they do, if I'm not in the mood to meet new people. Perfectly acceptable, to me.
Whenever I'm at a party and
Whenever I'm at a party and need a break, I *always* go to the restroom for a little while. It feels so peaceful in there! :D
As for college parties, I don't go to those at all.. I haven't even been to one so far ;)
Some people keep telling me I should go, that it isn't good to be so quiet, etc. but I don't really care anymore about what someone thinks. I'll just be myself.
I'm with you Sophia on the
I'm with you Sophia on the smoking thing. I finally was inspired to quit smoking for health reasons, but the social aspect and the excuse to get away from crowds at parties (which were numerous in college) kept me a smoker for much longer than I knew I should.
Now that I'm over the hump of desperatley needing a smoke when I am around other smokers, I find that I can still step outside to get away. You can tell the people inside that it's getting too hot for you and want some fresh air. Then once outside you can enjoy the view or sip your drink in silence. Or also I have always found that the people on the patio are very friendly and will engage in small talk if you want. I find this a bit more manageable because as you say, the smoker group is only getting smaller, so it's usually only a few people out there.
I suppose if you are working on quitting, this is a situation you'll want to avoid.
I also have found that just wandering, if it's a large party, is a good way to sort of remove myself. I'm still around people but I'm not forced to try to engage in any conversation unless I want to. Or if there's a game, or music, or a video playing (depending on what kind of party you're at), you can plant yourself there for a while and watch.
Ultimatley I don't go to very many parties. I think people got tired of me turning them down and I don't get as many invites as I used to. I don't turn invites down every time though..i find that sometimes just showing up for an hour is enough to satisfy your friends who may otherwise feel offended if you turn down invitations. If they are the social butterfly type they may not notice you leave early anyway. But you never know what is going to happen at a party, and it may be surprisingly fun. Commit to staying for an hour, and see how you feel at the end of that time.
talk to the animals
Here's another one for the holiday: Sometimes I get down on the floor and spend a few minutes discussing politics and other matters of importance with the family pets as a way of checking out of the human chitchat for a bit. I find animals very restful. You can even offer to walk the dog--your hosts might be grateful.
Offer to help
Usually at parties I find the hostess, usually a good friend if I've been invited, and ask what I can do to help. Somehow, keeping my hands moving (similar to knitting and photographing) for at least the first hour or so lets me ease into the scene. It also allows for mingling without getting "stuck" ("have to replenish the tray, be right back" but then move on) and it helps my hostess.
Sometimes I set the alarm on my cell phone to go off every 15 minutes - it sounds like the phone is ringing, right? - and then I "take the call" somewhere quiet. This seems socially acceptable at some parties. At others I'll set it to vibrate so I can choose whether to be "interrupted" at that moment or not. If I'm in a good convo I just hit the off button when it "rings".
I've also been known to have a smoke (although I don't smoke) just to join a smaller, more intimate group, usually outside away from the noise and bustle.
I love reading Introverts Corner. How else would I have learned that I'm not the only one who camps out in a bathroom during a raging party?? Or that refuses to answer the phone...ever?!?
making your phone ring
That's a wonderful, hilarious tip! I love it.
I spent a lot of time in the bathroom during a couple of rowdy gatherings this past week. The other guests probably thought I had a terrible bladder problem...
these are great tips, except
these are great tips, except for the take a phone call every 15 minutes. that might me look like im not having fun. i still have problems with feeling energetic at parties, i often catch myself standing or sitting alone while everyone around me is going crazy.
im a smoker but so are all my friends, the party usually is outside too. i end up asking a friend or two if they want to have a cigarette in my car for warmth, i find this helps me escape and i can put on a cd i like and relax for 10 minutes.
is it a problem or just the way you are?
Yes, I see your point about the phone, although I guess if you set it to vibrate you could ignore it when it would seem too rude to answer.
But I don't think that having low energy at parties is a problem--it's just the way you are. I don't really mind sitting alone at parties and I often get to talk to lots of people who will come and sit with me and chat for a while. I am finding that the more I accept and work with my own energy level, rather than trying to fight it, the more enjoyable and less draining parties and other previously exhausting interactions are.
This is priceless!! I am
This is priceless!! I am thoroughly enjoying the broad scopes on this particular blog! Please keep this going.
I've had to go to a couple of
I've had to go to a couple of overnight house parties at some friends of my husband (they live a couple of hours away, so escape is not an option). I don't really identify with either of them, so I arranged beforehand with an introverted friend for her to be my "phone-a-friend". I got a nice break in the car, having an actual meaningful conversation before going back in the house for pointless chitchat with people I have nothing in common with--and since it was an actual phone call, I didn't feel bad having to explain myself ("a call from a really old friend I hadn't talked to in a long time").
I also once spent several hours at a loud New Year's Eve party holed up in a computer room favoriting photos on flickr. Fortunately the computer was already on and the room was obviously not "off limits". The very extroverted host (who I didn't know from Adam) came in at one point to get something and very cheerfully asked me if I was "catching up on myspace". I didn't tell him I was doing something much less sociable.
One of my must haves, no
One of my must haves, no matter where i go, is my book and my sketchbook. I realize in a lot of ways that it kind of appears rude, like your ignoring people or not enjoying yourself, but i also believe, like taking photographs, that with just sketching it can start a conversation too. Or even with a book; "what book are you reading? whats the plot?" you have a better oppurtunity to start a more in depth conversation and if they are not as interested if you start talking about it, you can just go back to reading once they have drifted away. With drawing though you can choose the amount of solitude you have. You can just doodle a bit or sketch the people around you while listening to the conversation and add input here and there, or you can completely zone out and concentrate on what your drawing.
For me going to parties or even over to a friends part of being uncomfortable with the situation is just not being comfortable or familer with the place itself. I agree and also practice just finding your 'safe corner'.
What concerns me is when/if it eventually comes to the book, camera, knitting, or doodling eventually becoming a crutch. When is using those things to escape to solitude...more than just a safety net?
Or even, is there a way to ween yourself off that safety blanket so it doesnt become a permenant thing?
knitting
Sophia said:
"I've also found, oddly enough, that knitting helps keep some personal space in my brain during those family-just-sittin'-around times. I can remain cognizant of everything happening around me and participate, but the little task engages the wandering part of my mind and somehow approximates solitude in a crowd. I'm not exactly sure why this bit of voodoo works for me, but it does."
Sophia are you a member of Ravelry.com? If not, you should check it out, especially the "cave" group for introverted knitters. I found out about your blog through a post in this group.
I act, sing, and dance in musicals with our local theater company. I am an introvert. I often knit backstage during performances. It helps me focus on my lines, is not seen as anti-social (since I can participate in conversations going on), but it does help center me when there is so much nervous energy bouncing around.
ravelry
I do belong, though I haven't been there in a while...since I finished my holiday knitting projects. I have a half-finished project waiting for me to return to it... I'm about ready to start again. I go in and out of it. If I do too much my hands start to hurt.
I'll check out the cave. Very funny!
Another knitting introvert!
Thank you for the heads-up about The Cave Group.
I'm going right now to check into it. :)
Party survival tactics for introverts
Went to a party last night with my very kind extraverted fairly new boyfriend. The party was important to him as his equally extraverted brothers were there and I was determined to give it a good go. I thought I would have a few drinks to loosen myself up and at the time I did a great job staying out and enjoying myself till 2am with the help of many long toilet stops. The next day however I have a hangover together with the guilts as I slowly recall what I said and did. We just cant win!!!!! I feel like just giving up on the guy but that will screech my whole social life to a halt!!!!!!!
we've all been there...
I bet a lot of us have had exactly the same experience (look for the post about introverts and alcohol).
I think one key is that you don't have to try and be an extrovert around extroverts. You can be an introvert among the extroverts and just watch their hijinx and let them entertain you.
Watching
One of the most enjoyable things to do at a party (for me anyway) is watching the crazy and sometimes stupid actions of others. I can still say I was there without being associated with said stupidity. :)
Personally, I tend to stay
Personally, I tend to stay towards the fringes of the get-together. If it's a family matter, I usually bring a Game Boy or sudoku puzzles. They really don't care, and I can tune out half of what's going on while still being there enough to enjoy seeing my year-old cousin.
In any other company, I hang back and let people come to me. Otherwise it gets too overwhelming in the circle of people I simply don't know and I have to escape one way or another.
School ball?
Firstly, thankyou so much for this blog!
My high school graduation ball is coming up. I am going to go and I really, really want to have the time of my life there. I don’t have a date, but that’s ok, I’m going with a group of friends and we’ll keep each other company. I can handle that easily. The only problem is, I know that, at one point or another during the night, my (extraverted) friends are going to want to ‘mingle’ with the rest of our year group, and while I don’t want to seem anti-social or anything, I just can’t picture myself being comfortable: A)mingling or B)looking like a loner at the ball. Because that leads to...
The “you look tired” and “what’s wrong?” comments. I hate it when people say stuff like this! I love the idea someone else said before though about being an 'unofficial photographer'...
let them do the mingling?
Can you just tag along with one or more of the minglers and not worry about participating as much as just being there? Sometimes just smiling and laughing at other people's jokes makes one appear to be participating.
I usually try to arrive at a
I usually try to arrive at a party as close to starting time as possible. If there are only a few people there, it's easier to make an entrance and say hello without it being too overwhelming. And if the few who are there are people I don't know, I can offer to help the hosts finish setting up. If there are people I do know, I get to have a nice chat with them before the horde arrives.
If I am able to make it through an entire party, my favorite part is usually the end, after most people have left. By then there aren't many people left, and those who are are winding down and a little more mellow. I've had some of my best party conversations during this time. It's also the time when the hosts are finally able to relax. Of course, the important thing is to make sure you don't overstay your welcome.
"And in some ways, throwing a party is easier than attending someone else's. For one thing, when I need to check out of the chitchat, I can busy myself with hostess duties--refilling food or drinks, mopping up spills, general tidying. Plus, I usually know everyone at my own parties, which makes mingling less awkward for me."
YES! That's exactly why, though I've generally got an aversion to parties, I love throwing them myself.
Finding a task
I've found that finding a task to do while I'm there keeps me happier in a big crowd and there longer because it reduces the pressure to interact. Like you were saying in the article about knitting? I'll wash dishes even if it's not my party. Or I'll keep track of someone's kids so that they don't have to. I also bring my crochet bag everywhere and if I can't find some useful thing to do that will help the group, then I'll find a seat somewhere and work on my latest project. Since it's an unusual hobby I get a few people that are interested who will talk to me about crochet. Mostly, I'm in the center of the action, but not part of the action so I don't have the pressure of expected performance. I also gave myself a time limit. If I'm there for two hours and feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get away from all of those people then I'm free to go. I've made my appearance and strengthened my social bonds. I've had to learn how to cope with a lot of people because I have a large family. Ten aunts and uncles, 37 first cousins and their families plus five siblings, plus their spouses and children makes an insane amount of noise and action at any family gathering. And there are a lot of family gatherings because someone is always having a birthday or graduation or something.
"Snooping in other people's
"Snooping in other people's medicine cabinets, however, is not good form,"
Hey, if they don't care and force me to retreat into the bathroom, well, I can give as good as I get. What's good for the gander is good for the goose.
Also, you can find out a lot about someone by what pills they pop. I know one time I was dating and found she took bipolar meds. I IMMEDIATELY ran out of the house, drove away, and never talked to her again. No way am I dealing with that crap.
I really hope you're very
I really hope you're very young, because you really need to grow up. Guess what? Nobody's perfect. Everyone's got problems, and if you're not willing to deal with some "crap" you're not mature enough to have a serious relationship. Mental illness is far more prevalent than you think. At least she was getting treatment for it (and if you didn't know until that moment that she was bipolar, it must have been working). At least she wasn't someone who needs treatment but refuses to get it. I've known such people, and it's not pretty.
Grow some sensitivity.
Wow. I echo the comments of the other person who replied to your insensitive comment. Bipolar disorder is treatable, and as the other commenter said, many people deal with mental illness. It's really quite common. Wouldn't you want someone you were dating to have tolerance for *your* flaws?
Your attitude of "Hey, if they don't care and force me to retreat into the bathroom" seems ridiculous and immature. This whole article is about acknowledging our own needs as introverts and taking responsibility for feeling good in social situations. You give up that responsibility for your own happiness when you say people "forced you into a bathroom."
I just calmly observe
I just calmly observe "situations" once at a time... and enjoy... sometimes it makes up stories...
I just calmly observe
I just calmly observe "situations" once at a time... and enjoy... sometimes it makes up stories...
Great Tips!
This is a very informative article! I agree with every word you say. The way you feel anxious at a party, such as refilling drinks and tidying, reminds me of myself. I always feel socially awkward at a party, especially when I'm a guest, with a bunch of strangers. I love to observe other people, listening to the background music but not being able to engage in people's conversation. Just like you, I would either walk away or go to a bathroom when I feel very uncomfortable.
For me, my party survival tips are: 1) Bring a close friend who likes to party 2) Enjoy my food/drinks when I don't feel comfortable 3) Clear my negative thoughts before any social event
Maybe I should try your "long walk" trick instead!
Thanks for sharing :)