Theory of Mind Is the Building Block of Human Interaction

An audition is a great example of how "theory of mind" works in everyday life. An actor is trying to get a director to see them as perfect for their show. A director is looking for an actor to perform a character in a way that fits with their vision of what an author wrote. When an actor gets the call that they have been cast it is incredibly validating: they have been chosen to be part of a group.

So why is this important to know for you, the reader? It is important because we all basically want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. But why do we want to become a member of a group and how do we do it?

Let’s start with why we want to be part of a group.

Why Being in a Group Matters

Most people don’t mind being alone for a little while. But most people also want to be with other people. Being part of a group makes us feel safer. A few million years ago we were solitary little mammals scurrying around trying not to be lunch. We were the prey. If you apply Darwin’s idea of natural selection, human beings that were part of a protective group must have done better than solitary humans trying to fend for themselves or we would still be solitary animals.

Being part of a group enhances our success. It gives us someone to help attain our goals, share our triumphs, and to comfort us when defeated.

There are certain qualities that bind group members together. Among them are shared values, shared goals, loyalty, obedience, and altruism. These patterns of behavior had to start somewhere, and they probably did millions of years ago when our ancestors started forming these social groups. It was extremely beneficial to predict what another person in your group was going to do, and those predictions were based on guesses of how that person thought or felt: on theory of mind.

Being part of a group makes it easier to get food, access shelter, and find a mate. Actress Marlene Dietrich may have wanted to be alone, but it’s not just coincidence that most of us want the very opposite: to have a companion. For the most part, when we do mate we stay with that mate to raise our children. Cooperation at home or in the rest of the world is required to get things done.

Theory of mind evolved in tandem with moving from a solitary animal to a social one. If you shared a resource like food or shelter or were going to have children, it was in your best interest to have a pretty good idea if they would share their food and shelter with you, and stick around to help with those kids. We needed to know.

It is no different today.

I am willing to admit that I failed my very first exam in medical school. I walked home miserable and dejected, losing my medical school ID on the way: I didn’t deserve to belong to that group of medical students. When I got home my fiancée, Carol, was there. She saw my misery and defeat, knew what I was thinking or feeling, and gave me a hug. I felt I did not belong in that large group called Medical School. But being part of another smaller group of two, Carol and I, helped me feel safe and protected. Being a member of a group provides protection against people who are not in your group. Being a member of a group gives you value. Feeling valued makes you less anxious. And feeling less anxious improves your sense of well-being.

If we had not made the shift from solitary to social animal, there would be no need for you to understand theory of mind. We would still be competing with each other for food, shelter, and the ability to mate. Reproducing would not include staying with that mate to raise offspring. The only reason I would care what you think or feel would be to devise a plan to outsmart you. There would be no cooperation, just competition.

But that’s not how things are. In fact, while competition still drives a lot of what we do at home or in the rest of the world, cooperation ultimately is required to get things done.

Membership is really built on trust. And trust, you will recall, is all about that brain chemical oxytocin. Oxytocin feels really good, binding us to one another as members of a group. Couples who communicate have more oxytocin than couples who don’t, and those couples actually heal quicker from things like blisters.[1] It feels great to be around someone who you trust and on whom you can rely.

Theory of mind is the fundamental building block of all human interaction. You use it every day. But if you are doing it, everyone is doing it. We are all interested in what other people think or feel about us. We all want to feel valued. And every time you remind someone of their value, using theory of mind, you increase your own value.

Theory of Mind Essential Reads

Non-Player Character Theory Shows How We Misunderstand Thinking

Can Social Anxiety Make Us Better at Reading Minds?

And everyone feels, and is, safer.

We can do this.