This One Truth Applies to All of Us

I recently had my eggs crushed by a watermelon. The person bagging my groceries put the eggs on the bottom of the bag and a watermelon on top! I got home with a soggy bag of uncooked scrambled eggs and was pretty angry at first. How stupid could that person be? What on earth would propel them to put a watermelon on top of a carton of eggs? And then I began to wonder: What on earth would propel them to do such a thing?

I was applying my own I-M Approach, the idea that each of us is doing the best we can at any moment in time. I-M stands for “I Matter” and is defined as a current maximum potential. At this moment in time (current), we are doing the best we can (maximum) but have the potential to change in the very next second. And we do. I have been applying the I-M Approach to my daily practice of psychiatry, and my daily life, for decades. I invite you to wonder about this with me, especially through the lens of theory of mind.

Instead of looking at people as not doing as well as they should, the I-M Approach helps you look at people as doing as well as they could, currently in this moment, but with the capacity to change in the very next second.

I think this is a much more interesting and productive way to approach people: by applying theory of mind. I think it is much more thought-provoking to wonder why a person would put a watermelon on a carton of eggs. Rather than be judgmental, I am truly curious and interested in why we do what we do. It actually becomes quite compelling and uplifting to wonder about each other in this way, moving away from the potentially downward spiral of criticism, where no one ever feels very good.

For example, what if the grocery bagger put a watermelon on the eggs because she had been distracted by bad news at home or school, was coming down with a cold, or was simply be worried that you, the shopper, had judged her as a lousy grocery bagger? You may judge that she should be doing better. But I am suggesting that she was not doing worse than she could but was actually doing the best she could given what was going on in her life.

This is not about making excuses: On the contrary. I don’t like having broken eggs. I don’t condone or make an excuse for breaking the eggs. That grocery bagger should be held responsible. But it would be powerful for her to still feel respected, even if she broke the eggs, as still having done the best she could, for whatever reason. Who am I to say that at any and every moment in time, we are not doing the best we can, at an I-M: a current maximum potential.

We all have an interest in what other people think or feel about us. Reflect for a moment on your own life. From the moment you wake up, you prepare to enter the world of relationships. Wondering what others think about you influences how you see yourself. Most people bathe in the morning or have bathed the night before: You don’t want to be judged as smelly by someone else, and when others are smelly, you judge them as being insensitive to how they make you feel. You may brush your teeth, wear certain clothes, put on makeup, or shave the night-grown stubble. Our appearance matters. At work, at school, and at the coffee shop, you present yourself a certain way, usually without even being aware you are doing it because we really do care what other people think or feel about us. Self-awareness goes hand in hand with theory of mind.[1]

But if I am doing it, and you are doing it, then pretty much everyone is doing it. Everyone is interested in what other people think or feel about them: My self-image is influenced by what I think you think of me. At work, a nod of appreciation from a boss creates a very different feeling in you than a look of disapproval. On a date, a word that indicates that there will be a next date creates a very different feeling than a word that says that person is not interested in seeing you again. Through ToM, people have a powerful influence on us, just as we have a powerful influence on everyone with whom we come in contact. Everyone! You are in control of how you choose to see another person. And how you choose to see them is going to have an effect on their brain.

So why not wonder instead of worry, be reflective instead of reflexive, and see people as doing the best they can instead of less than they can? I Matter. And so do you.