Back to School, Back to Self!

This is the 7^th post in the Parents in Recovery series.

Summer can be an opportunity to spend more time together with your family, including vacations, recreational activities, and social events. However, it can also bring disrupted routines, disjointed childcare, overscheduling, and putting personal needs and professional goals on the back burner. As summer ends and children return to school, many parents feel relief as structure returns. For parents in recovery (PIRs) from substance use disorders (SUDs), this transition can provide an opportunity to reassess their own needs, reconnect with their recovery lifestyle, and shift some of their attention toward personal and professional pursuits. For some, this means returning to work with renewed focus. For others, it may involve exploring health and wellness, career changes, educational opportunities, hobbies, volunteering, or simply finding more downtime.

Rediscovering Your Identity Beyond Parenthood

Fall can symbolize the recovery experience—shedding unneeded layers, revealing inner beauty, and letting go of an old life so a new one can grow. When individuals get sober, they organically connect with their core selves and often refocus their lives towards their priorities. At times, parenting can clash with this mission as becoming and continuing to be a parent brings profound personal and professional identity shifts. While many PIRs describe becoming a parent as providing greater meaning and motivation for sobriety, others report struggling to preserve the personal identity they worked so hard to establish.

Cassie, a pharmaceutical researcher and mother, similarly expressed, "I feel I lost the identity that I had found getting sober when I became a parent, and I still struggle with that today."

In contrast, Mason, an EMT and father of three, reports that he has been “Finding greater purpose and fulfillment” since becoming a father.

In her book Why Have Kids? A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness, Jessica Valenti explores the loss of personal identity that can accompany motherhood, which can also apply to fathers. She describes how the expectations placed on parents can cause their individual interests, accomplishments, and aspirations to become secondary to their parenting role. These experiences highlight the importance of developing a life that includes, but is not entirely defined by, parenting.

The fall return of routines may offer parents an opportunity to reconnect with parts of themselves that have received less attention during the summer.

Work, Purpose, and Personal Fulfillment

Historical context can help to understand how gender roles have shifted over time. Traditional male and female roles were affected by the increase in women attaining education and entering the labor force in the second half of the 20^th century—specifically from the 1960s through the 1980s. Following the women’s rights movement, the proportion of women who pursued a college degree quadrupled, while the proportion of men doubled, from 1970 to 2021.

In 2020, 57% of women worked full-time compared with just 40.7% in 1970. The workforce has evened out, and this has led both mothers and fathers to wrestle with career identity and fulfillment. For some PIRs, these pursuits may also strengthen the positive identity and self-worth developed in recovery.

Claire, an occupational therapist and mother, described the importance of her career in early sobriety, stating, "I leaned into my career and motherhood, and I felt like it gave me a sense of purpose, a role that brought me dignity and self-worth."

Other parents found that as their children became more independent, they had greater flexibility to explore new opportunities. Jake, a business owner and father of a young girl, expresses, “Being a parent created the largest shift in my life. The connection that has been made between my daughter and my wife, and me is overwhelming. It’s hard to explain how I changed, but I became a man.

Finding Work/Life/Recovery Balance

Of course, the return to fall structure does not magically eliminate competing demands. School schedules, extracurricular activities, professional responsibilities, and household obligations can quickly fill the time that summer once occupied. When PIRs were asked how they had found work/life/recovery balance, their responses included, "Balance is elusive,” "There is no balance. It's hard,” "Still working on it!" These responses capture the reality that balance is not a fixed destination but an ongoing process of adjustment.

For PIRs, an additional challenge involves maintaining their recovery identity while managing parenting and professional responsibilities. During busy periods, recovery meetings, therapy, social connections, and self-care can gradually become less frequent. However, these activities are not luxuries that should only occur when everything else is accomplished.

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Liz Modugno, LCSW, LADC, encourages PIRs to reframe the belief that "meetings and therapy take away from my kids and family" into "meetings and therapy give me and my children a sober and healthy life together." This perspective can also apply to other meaningful personal pursuits. Parents who nurture their interests, relationships, and professional identities are not necessarily taking something away from their families.

The following are some suggestions for reclaiming your time, balance, and identity this fall:

Reconnect with your personal identity:

• Identify interests, hobbies, or goals that are independent of your parenting role.
• Consider what brought you fulfillment before having children and what new interests have emerged in recovery.
• Put some amount of time into something that brings YOU joy.

Reassess your personal and professional goals:

• Identify a life domain you would like to prioritize this fall, such as career, education, personal growth, spirituality, or creative pursuits.
• Establish realistic short-term and long-term goals that fit your current family circumstances.
• Take small steps rather than waiting for the ideal opportunity or schedule.

Create structure without rigidity:

• Develop a weekly routine that includes dedicated time for parenting, work, recovery, and personal interests.
• Consider using a shared family calendar to organize responsibilities.
• Examine how you are spending your time and whether it aligns with your priorities.
• Allow flexibility as family needs and circumstances change.

Keep recovery integrated into your lifestyle:

• Re-establish recovery meetings, therapy, or other supports that may have been disrupted during the summer.
• Maintain social connections with other PIRs.
• Schedule small pockets of personal time, even if they begin with just a few minutes.

While the fall transition can mean the end of the warmer months, it can also provide an opportunity for parents to consider what they want this fresh season to look like.