The Emotional Side of Estate Planning

When engaging in estate planning, people often become hyper-focused on the decisions they must make, including who will receive which assets, who will fill key roles (executor, guardian, and trustee, for example), and who will hold financial and medical powers of attorney. While these are important details, people often overlook the emotions their decisions may evoke in those included in an estate plan and those left out.

It’s not uncommon during a loved one’s incapacity or after their death for family members to go head-to-head because of a well-intentioned decision someone who can no longer answer for themselves made that has come to light. Where rifts exist, the effect on relationships can be devastating and long-lasting, or permanent. Even the most tight-knit family members can turn on one another.

While an ethical will, a nonlegal letter in which a testator shares their values, beliefs, life lessons, and messages with their loved ones after they’re gone, can offer explanation, it may not be sufficient to repair bonds that have been damaged or broken by controversial choices. Nor may it be enough to soothe individuals whose feelings have been hurt or whose memories of their loved ones have been tarnished in light of what they’ve learned from a loved one’s estate plan.

If such unrest sounds distressing to you, you’re justified in feeling this way. Planning for the unthinkable is meant to relieve worry, not create more. For most people, their family is far more valuable as a legacy than their estates, even for those with an ultra-high net worth. With this in mind, here are tips for how to account for the emotional impact of your estate planning choices before it’s too late.

Make Relationship Preservation Part of the Estate Planning Process

Although the documents that comprise an estate plan—a will, trust, advance directive, and powers of attorney (medical and financial)—take center stage, if you gloss over how these documents and the decisions you make in reference to them may affect familial relationships, you've missed a critical part of the estate planning process: to prevent unnecessary stress during a family crisis.

The time to consider these effects is not after the documents are signed, but before. This requires introspection and, at times, acceptance of hard truths that may be uncomfortable to acknowledge. However, when you consider your family dynamics from not just your own perspective but your family members’, you can rest easier knowing that what’s in your estate plan won’t be a surprise or cause resentment among those you care about and want to protect.

Assess How Your Choices May Be Interpreted by Loved Ones

What may seem reasonable to you may feel unreasonable to someone else, or be taken as a statement about your feelings for them or their worth. It’s human nature to make inferences, especially about estate planning decisions that are or perceived to be unequal.

Your loved ones may call favoritism, or take an estate planning decision as a sign or confirmation that you didn’t think highly of them. They can infer that your estate plan is you judging them from the beyond, or blame another family member for your choices.

The worst part: You won’t be around to set them straight or change your mind after hearing how they feel. Considering how others might receive your estate plan can, therefore, be a useful exercise.

Account for Existing Family Tensions Before Finalizing Decisions

To appreciate how seriously others may internalize your estate planning decisions or simply react to them, you’ll likely need to dredge up some unpleasant memories and consider how you and certain family members might have gotten to where you are relationally. Think past arguments, sibling rivalry, birth order, and relative financial situations, to name a few possible sources of contention.

Even if conflicts have been resolved and are long in the past, the death of a loved one, followed by the emergence of estate planning instructions, has an uncanny way of opening old wounds. No, you won’t be able to rewrite history, but you can make decisions with that history in mind.

Share the Thinking Behind Your Estate Planning Decisions

Even if you think you have a plan that won’t leave room for interpretation or ruffle anyone’s feathers, you can be wrong. When people are left guessing about someone’s reasoning, they might think the worst—of you or someone they believe exerted influence over you. They may also react poorly, complicating matters.

A conversation about why you’re considering making certain choices has its benefits. It gives others a chance to present arguments for or against a specific decision that you may not have thought of, while allowing you to speak for yourself when you have the opportunity to. Not to mention, you want to be certain those you assign to an estate planning role or are leaving an asset to actually want it.

You don’t have to defend yourself or get anyone’s approval, however. Your decisions remain yours. That said, when someone disagrees with an outcome, understanding the rationale can help. Transparency in this situation can, therefore, be kinder than silence.

Remain Flexible as You Hear What Matters to Others

As you listen, learn. You’ll hear which decisions are the biggest triggers and for whom, and perhaps that something you anticipated would be a trigger isn’t. In your discussions, you may also discover that there are alternatives for reflecting your intentions.

Keeping an open mind when you talk to others, and communicating that you’re interested in their thoughts, can help in how well your choices are received today and when you’re no longer here. But perhaps most importantly, it lends genuine credibility to the idea that a well-thought-out estate plan is there to create peace, not disrupt it, which is the most valuable legacy any of us can be remembered for.