Holidays After Divorce When You're Not With Your Kids

Source: Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

One of the biggest adjustments newly minted single parents must make following a separation or divorce is adjusting to holidays without their children present, or present for only part of the time. Whether the kids are babies, teens, or young adults, the result can be an unfamiliar silence that can take some getting used to.

As a family law attorney and divorced single mom (of four adult children) who remarried a divorced single dad of two more than a decade ago, my husband and I have walked (and are still walking) this road, just like you may be this holiday. What I can tell you from experience is that you will not only survive solo holidays after divorce, but you can also make them ones you and your children will remember — in a good way.

That being said, it won’t happen all on its own. You will need to be proactive to reach this goal. Below are my tried-and-true suggestions for how to do so.

Remind Yourself That What You Anticipate Will Become Part of the Story

What I mean is that if you anticipate the holidays are going to suck because you’re not going to be with your kids or because you will have to split time with your ex, they will suck. If you walk into the situation with an edge, expecting a fight, you’ll probably get one. And if you’re planning to punish your ex because you’re angry, it will probably backfire on you and, worse, on your kids, who will be caught in the middle.

You may not like the logistics or be able to control them, but what you can control is the mood around them. This begins with your own mood. If you set the tone from the start that, despite the holiday not being what you envision or what it was like in the past, it can still be enjoyable, you open the possibility that it actually will be for your kids and for you. This is the first step.

Have a Plan for Yourself for When Your Kids Are With Their Other Parent

You will likely know about your holiday schedule in advance, so take advantage of that time. And not just for the day itself. The holiday season is called that for a reason, and once you take a step back, you’ll quickly realize that a holiday can be celebrated on multiple days and also not on the exact day it falls on the calendar.

With this in mind, fill your schedule with activities, including solo ones. You may have a holiday dinner one night to attend or a brunch the next day, which you’ve circled on the calendar. However, if Saturday evening is looming large and all you see is white space, write in “Movie Night” or “Spa Saturday,” even if Movie Night is synonymous with watching a movie in your most comfy pajamas and Spa Saturday is lighting candles and taking a hot bath in your own bathtub.

When it's scheduled, it’s a cue to you that you have something to do. There’s no rule that someone else has to be there, and you’re worth those moments of doing something just for yourself.

Arrange for More Solo Time Than You Have

Turn the dreaded prospect of solo time on its head and arrange with your spouse for more of it, even if it’s an extra day before or after the holiday. That way, you can get in some of that travel that you’ve been putting off.

Single parents usually spend a lot of time juggling career, parenting, and other obligations, often making it a challenge to break away from it all. If that describes you, consider your solo holiday time as something to build on.

Toss the Calendar Out the Window

Just because the calendar says it’s the holiday doesn’t mean you can’t get creative and celebrate it just as you would on a different day. Calendars are constructs, and you can construct any reality you want for yourself and your kids. So go ahead and honor your traditions without anyone dictating when you should.

Remember, there’s no hard-and-fast rule that traditions have to remain unchanged for posterity. Tweak them to fit your new single lifestyle and keep an open mind.

You may discover that you like hosting your holiday dinner a day or so before with your kids, so you're not tight for time on the day itself if you have to share the day with your ex. You may find you prefer hosting a brunch because it’s a way your family has never celebrated before. The point is, now that you're divorced, you're in charge of your time and, therefore, are free to create entirely new traditions for you and your family.

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Celebrate Life

Call holiday celebrations what they are: Celebrations of your and your children's lives together. Of family. Of possibility. Next, recall the meaning behind the holiday you’re celebrating and why it's endured for as long as it has. Then relate that story of hope to your own life, even if today you’re not happy with your current situation and there are still changes you would like to make.

We all take our cues from the narrative we tell ourselves, and your children take theirs from you. This presents a unique opportunity for you to transform a holiday that, at first, may feel unnatural into one that feels like second nature, shaped by gratitude and a spirit of giving.