"But assuming your sex partner is the person you love the most, what really do you have to lose? "
Ever having sex with them again, if they think your sexual boldness is too aggressive, threatening or outside their comfort zone.
Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. A new theory aims to make sense of it all.
Verified by Psychology Today
What do you value more in a sex partner—a sexually confident leader or a more careful, tentative follower? A clear majority of men and women in my sex therapy practice opt for the former. For most people, a partner’s sexual boldness is captivating and exciting. People are drawn to lovers willing to take the lead. What is the almost universal appeal of sexual boldness all about?
It’s an interesting question that is poorly understood. For example, one shaming stereotype suggests that hetero men feel threatened by women’s sexual power, and thus they prefer submissive partners. Or that hetero women’s preference for dominant men in romance novels is an indication of women’s innate masochism. Ugh. It is true that some men and women feel threatened by a partner’s sexual power and thus try to diminish it. And a subset of people simply prefer being dominant in all situations, including sexual ones. But for the most part, these stereotypes and clichés are not what I see from clients in my therapy room. Instead, I hear people longing for their lovers to bring more boldness into the bedroom—to initiate sex more, to more actively show their desire, to be clearer about what they want, and to make it all happen by being more sexually assertive.
In sum, sexual boldness can enhance passion.
Think about it. A sexually daring partner can make us feel wanted and sexually desirable—what a confidence boost! Their brazenness offers us the exquisite thrill of feeling sexually consumed. We don’t have to worry about a lover’s needs because they are in charge, obviously excited, and having a great time. Their pleasure isn’t our concern. Being pursued so blatantly saves us any risk of being rejected. We don’t have to worry about feeling guilty, or second-guessing our partner's experience, because we are merely following them—and thus not responsible for what happens. Their letting go into passion gives us permission to unapologetically do the same. Their willingness to feel and show their emotions so profoundly means we needn’t be self-conscious about our own. When a lover is more forward, all of these elements can combine to create a super potent sexual elixir for us. It’s essentially the ultimate message—“I love and desire you in the most vulnerable moments of your life.” Its no wonder both men and women long for more sexually confident partners!
But fear and laziness can prevent us from showing a more sexually bold side of ourselves. For example:
As a result, it’s not uncommon for people to avoid bringing boldness into the bedroom. This is less of a problem for folks in short-term relationships because a partner’s newness is often enough to make sex worth wanting. But as a romantic partner becomes familiar and the excitement of a new romance dwindles, passion must be more actively created. Sexual boldness thus becomes more a critical element of love-making as a relationship ages.
If you aren’t used to it, finding a bolder sexual style takes courage and determination. But assuming your sex partner is the person you love the most, what really do you have to lose? First, talk to your partner about it—show them this blog post and share your reactions. Maybe you both would benefit from bringing a bolder side out for a trial run, or maybe one of you is carrying the burden of sexual boldness for you both. In my therapy room, people long for things like seeing and feeling their partner’s sexual desire for them, feeling sexually ravished or consumed by their partner, or being touched more confidently between the sheets. If you need specific examples, find appealing erotic scenes from movies or female-oriented porn.
Decide together what can bring more energy into your bedroom, and then play it out in the privacy of your own imagination first. Watching yourself in your mind’s eye can help you gain comfort with a new behavior. Be prepared to feel silly or awkward at first. And when your partner makes any effort toward boldness—no matter how small—reward them with love and attention. Your support and enthusiasm, rather than criticism or well-meaning critique, is essential for their willingness to assert themselves with you again.
For most couples, just the fact that you love each other isn’t enough to keep your sex life exciting over time. Our necessary focus on the dangers of sexual dominance can confuse lovers who avoid sexual assertiveness in favor of a more polite style. Unfortunately, these well-meaning couples risk a lifetime of boring sex. A loving partner’s sexual boldness can infuse your romantic connection with provocative erotic energy.
Facebook image: 4 PM production/Shutterstock
"But assuming your sex partner is the person you love the most, what really do you have to lose? "
Ever having sex with them again, if they think your sexual boldness is too aggressive, threatening or outside their comfort zone.
I take all these "get out there and just do it" articles to mean they work in marriages that may be a bit jaded but basically healthy.
I don't think these tactics would work in marriages that are not healthy, especially if said marriage has been sexless or has experienced little sexual activity for a long period of time. These tactics could really backfire if the marriage is not healthy.
Many couples probably should not try this at home!
This article is simply wrong all over. Sex is actually incredibly simple:
1.) Unless the person is not mentally well (often from destructive sexual encounters) then the following two rules ALWAYS apply. If the person is not "well" sexually then they do all kinds of crazy things trying to normalize trauma.
2.) Woman want an alpha male type that desires them. Period. They get annoyed when they no feel desired and get angry when they feel the man's desire has shifted. However, women are not sexual predators in any natural way and when the try to be, they basically just put themselves in harm's way of the true natural predators.
2.) Men want a bold sexual partner they have COMMITTED to. If a woman is a bold sexual partner without a commitment, she will eventually just be a notch on the bed post. Men are the natural predator and seek new prey. Women conquer this by being bold in the bedroom with surprises and creativity to keep the man's predatory instinct poised and satisfied. Seriously, buy seven pairs of lingerie and use one each night for a week. That husband will NEVER roam!
Incredibly simple? No. You've oversimplified. I find the article much more realistic and nuanced.
People may be sexually uninterested for many reasons, and it doesn't mean they are unwell due to trauma.
The article says:
"But for the most part, these stereotypes and clichés are not what I see from clients in my therapy room. Instead, I hear people longing for their lovers to bring more boldness into the bedroom—to initiate sex more, to more actively show their desire, to be clearer about what they want, and to make it all happen by being more sexually assertive. "
The sample of people providing these opinions are from a group of people not satisfied with the status quo. It's no surprise that they want to shake things up.
For people that don't have significant issues in the bedroom, a bolder sexual partner might be fun for a chance of pace. But, I suspect it could be disruptive. Slow and steady wins the race. Switching to a bolder approach might be welcomed by the partner, but if it's not sustained over a period of time it might leave the partner thinking something is wrong when things revert back to the regular routine.
I came across lot of testimonies on health blogger site about doctor Ahmed Usman curing different diseases with Herbal medicine at first I was discouraged by my family that it was a scam, I decided to give the doctor a try. I contacted Dr. Ahmed Usman with his official email which he replied and asked few questions and method of preparation. He sent the Herbal medicine to me and with his prescription I drank the herbal medicine for 21 days and when I went for test my result was confirmed Negative with no trace of the virus on my blood. Contact him and be cured. His email; drahmedusman5104@ gmail. com. Or Whatsapp/Call +2348064460510
He said he has Herbal cure for;
Diabetes, Hepatitis, Cancer and Typhoid.
My Dear friends online, My name is ALICE And i live in USA, GEORGIA, I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2 years ago, which lead to our break up. I was not myself again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Doctor Maluda. I email the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what happen, less than two days my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me i was so happy to have him back to me. The most interesting part of the story is that am pregnant. Thanks to Doctor Maluda for saving my marriage and for also saving others own too. Continue your good work, If you are interested to contact the great spell caster drmaludalovespell or contact him on his whats-app via +2349061399224
HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK HOME WITH THE HELP OF A REAL AND GENUINE SPELL CASTER DR IFADE TEXT OR CONTACT VIA WHATSAPP +2349060120490 OR EMAIL HIM ON ifadesolutionspell31 @ gmail com Regard KAYLEE TAYLOR.
My name is KAYLEE TAYLOR am from united state, I almost took my life because of my husband who left me and stop picking my calls answering my mails and my messages. He said He do not trust me anymore, I tried to convince and beg him, but he will not believe or answer me until we had a fight and broke up for 3 months, after then I realize I can not live without him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed me and went away with my money until I came across this man called Dr IFADE he helped me cast a spell and behold my husband came back after 48 hours, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like Dr IFADE still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact Dr IFADE today On ifadesolutionspell3 1@ gmail com Contact him via is whatsapp number +2349060120490 . indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again.i can never stop talking about you sir. DR IFADE is really a great man you can contact him for solution for any kind of problems like lottery spell, ex back. get pregnant.
My late Gf used deflection often. I did try to talk to her about it, especially since she was the one paying for the pill. We made some progress after some counseling, but it reverted to no sex after some time. I eventually sought physical intimacy elsewhere after 2 years without.
As a man, we are expected to be the initiators, but men like to feel desirable too, and it is very exhilarating to be seduced by a sexy women!
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.