QUESTION
Dear Friendship Doctor,
I've been dealing with some issues with my best friend of about four years. Mike has been my good/best fabulous gay friend for a few years, and has always been a bit dramatic. He is 24, lost his father at a young age, and his sister as a pre-teen.
He and his mother received a lot of life insurance money and they blew it all very quickly and have remained very financially irresponsible. He dropped out of high school, never worked much, always quit after a few short months. He parties all the time, drinks a lot, sleeps all day, and expects his mother to pay all his bills. Even in the house his father left them, which his mom doesn't even live at, he expects her to pay the utility bills.
Now I am 26, was married at 20 to a marine, and was married for four years before we moved back home to build a house and start a family. Unfortunately my husband's PTSD got the better of him. He asked me to move out and committed suicide four months later.
When I moved out, I moved into Mike's house and he had supported me emotionally through that difficult time in my life. I stayed with him for eight months and then found an apartment right down the road. While I was living there, he and his mom asked if I could pay a little rent and I paid $200 a month to the town hall, to help with their back taxes. They were horrible about paying bills. The lights would get shut off or they would run out of oil. His mother’s truck payments weren’t getting paid and that state took money right out of her paycheck to pay her debts. The house that was paid for had a lien on it because they did not pay the property taxes.
Fast forward---another eight months to now. Mike had been receiving and ignoring mail from the town looking for money until he received a notice saying they had 30 days until the town auctioned the house. He called me, knowing I have money from my husband’s life insurance with the military, asking to help pay his and his mother’s debts. I told him to call other members of his family, the town, and a lawyer...and find out what was going on before calling me to bail him out.
His mother called me the next day asking for help also, needing $7,300 and I told her that while I didn't care to hear the same contradictory blame on her son that he was blaming her for, that she shouldn't be calling me just because she knows I have the money. I then told her to do some research, try and sell her motorcycle, call family, and the town and a lawyer, get her info and get back to me. I would try and help a little but I wasn’t just going to fork over the cash.
I know I would never see that money again and they had deliberately let this happen. Me bailing them out would solve absolutely nothing. His mother told him I said I was of absolutely no help, and it wasn't my problem, so my friend started avoiding me. He acted like their situation was my fault and I did something to him.
He's deleted my family and me off Facebook and blocked me on other social media. He told me he was going to drop off my weedwacker he had borrowed, and it seemed like he was ending our friendship over all this.
We got into a spat via texting when I reminded him that he owed me a couple hundred dollars because he asked me to buy him a shirt and tie for an interview (that he never even went to) and I rented his tux to be in our friend’s wedding. And he got really defensive about it and said something like, 'If it weren't for your husband dying you'd still be living in my spare bedroom.'
I even stated it seemed like he would never forgive me if he actually lost his house, and he admitted he wouldn't have forgiven me even though he KNEW it wouldn't have been my fault. Then he sent me a drunken text saying how much he loved me. Am I wrong to think that this narcissistic behavior is getting ridiculous?? I've never held him accountable for his own life, but he put me in a really bad spot with all this.
Signed, Wendy
ANSWER
Hi Wendy,
I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband, which must have left you reeling.
However, as an outsider, it’s hard for me to understand the basis for your relationship with Mike, which seems to have started while you were married. Although you call him a “fabulous best friend,” suggesting that you think highly of him, your description portrays him as someone who is moody, dramatic, dysfunctional and financially irresponsible.
Given that Mike seems to have risen to the occasion and was very supportive of you after your husband asked you to move out, I can understand how you would feel indebted to him for that. But your problems were situational and “time-limited” rather than chronic (ongoing). He made that decision to help you freely without strings attached and it doesn’t sound like it compromised his lifestyle in any way.
Fast forwarding to what it is being asked of you now---It seems like your friend and his mother have gotten over-involved in his family’s financial problems that have been festering for years. It sounds as if he and his mom are now financially destitute and need more help that you can reasonably be expected to provide. You were right to suggest that she figure out some plan to help them dig themselves out of this financial hole before handing over a large sum of cash that you aren’t likely to recoup.
In terms of your friendship, it sounds like you ignored many warning signs that should have suggested that this friendship would be a challenging one given your friend’s lack of financial responsibility. If your question is whether or not to stay involved, you will have to determine the emotional costs and rewards, and whether or not you will be able to establish financial boundaries so you don’t get sucked into loaning or giving away money you may need for yourself.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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