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Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

Irene S Levine Ph.D.

My BFF Can't Stand My Boyfriend!

It's disconcerting when your best friend doesn't see what you see in him~

QUESTION

Hello Irene,

I have a disturbing scenario. My very best friend, whom I consider my older sister, is five years older than me. She is married, happy with her relationship, and has a good job, car, house and everything. On the other hand, I've gone through a painful break up. During the four months after the break up, she was a great support during this horrible time of my life. She did everything she could possibly do, even going the extra mile for me.

However, after the breakup, I found an amazing guy whom I have now been dating for 5 months. My friend has been acting very weird. When she first met him, she pointed out that he was the perfect guy for me. Now she doesn't like me spending time with him.

When I go and sleep over at his place she starts fuming. She used to do the same thing before she got married so I don't see anything wrong with that. When we discuss it, she makes up lame excuses. My boyfriend had also noticed this and she refuses to hang out with both of us as we had in the past.

Once she told me, "Just wait until he breaks your heart. Then don't come crying to me." My boyfriend has been understanding and tries his best to please her for my sake. He tells me to invite her when we go out together but it's not working. She is moody all the time with me now because of this guy. How do I deal with her? Why can't I have a good relationship too? Please help me. I'm losing it. Please help me here... am losing it :(

Signed, Jenna

 

ANSWER

Dear Jenna,

Either your friend has a problem with your boyfriend or with the fact that you have a boyfriend. Since she's like an older sister, my hunch is that she may be making an honest effort to protect you from getting hurt again. Another possibility is that she is overly possessive.

You need to have a heart-to-heart with your friend to really figure out what's going on. Tell her how much you value her friendship and opinions, and ask her what her specific concerns are about this relationship. Let her speak openly and listen to what she is saying.

If you disagree with her opinions about your boyfriend, you may have to agree to disagree for the time being. It sounds like you don't want to give up your friendship or the guy, so the solution is to keep the two separate.

Hope this helps.

Best

Irene

 

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